Lost love of my life to death.....?

Question

I just turned 30 years old and here's my story.....
I met a wonderful boy when I was in 9th grade. He followed me to my first period class everyday. He'd say, "hey girl, come here for a minute." I'd say, "I have to get to class." One day I stopped and talked to him, we hit it off and ended up together untl his death. I was 20 years old and he was 21. At the time of his death, we had a son who was 1 1/2 yrs old and a 2 month old daughter (now 11 and 9 1/2). Ok folks, he passed away of a seizure on 6/6/1997. I have since had 2 more children (2 & 4) by someone who I'm no longer with, but I still cry sometimes about my two oldest childrens dad. When I think about him my chest hurts and I'm still so hurt. He treated me so well and I loved him so much. He was a beautiful person. His death was all of a sudden, here one day and gone the next. Should I still be this hurt? Will I feel this way for the rest of my life? I'm just not sure if this is normal.

Answer 1

Well, he was the love of your life and i know how that feels to lose someone you love. You will ever get over it and no matter how hard you try to stop the hurt it will never go away. Its a normal part of life, to hurt, especially when you lose someone. Its part of the greiving cycle.

However i think you are in the depression stage, you might be on the border or into the acceptance stage. It will hurt no matter what. Just dont try to fight it. He would want you to grieve.

And the fact that you have four children doesnt help you but in a way it helps you in all ways. Try to spend alot of time with them. They will remind you o f the good times that you spent with your husband.

Also, you would want to start a journal. Any kind of journal will be good. Write about what you think about when your chest hurts and what else you feel, is your stomache hurting. Write down all your dreams, wether he is in them or not, it could mean something about him.

If you have anymore questions, feel free to email me at [e-mail]

1. Denial- Denial is a conscious or unconscious refusal to accept facts, information, reality, etc., relating to the situation concerned. It's a defence mechanism and perfectly natural. Some people can become locked in this stage when dealing with a traumatic change that can be ignored. Death of course is not particularly easy to avoid or evade indefinitely.

2. Anger- Anger can manifest in different ways. People dealing with emotional upset can be angry with themselves, and/or with others, especially those close to them. Knowing this helps keep detached and non-judgemental when experiencing the anger of someone who is very upset.

3. Barganing- Traditionally the bargaining stage for people facing death can involve attempting to bargain with whatever God the person believes in. People facing less serious trauma can bargain or seek to negotiate a compromise.

4. Depression- Also referred to as preparatory grieving. In a way it's the dress rehearsal or the practice run for the 'aftermath' although this stage means different things depending on whom it involves. It's a sort of acceptance with emotional attachment. It's natural to feel sadness and regret, fear, uncertainty, etc. It shows that the person has at least begun to accept the reality.

5. Acceptance- Again this stage definitely varies according to the person's situation, although broadly it is an indication that there is some emotional detachment and objectivity. People dying can enter this stage a long time before the people they leave behind, who must necessarily pass through their own individual stages of dealing with the grief.

Answer 2

I don't think even years can take away the pain we feel when we lose someone, especially if that someone was our 'husband' or 'wife'. When you give your heart to someone you give it, and even though they arent around anymore, it doesnt mean they are gone from your heart. You are feeling the loss of him all over again, and I'm sure you are missing him too, even though it's been 10 years. Allow yourself to mourn for him, but don't let it consume you. You need to release whatever it is that's holding your heart and allow yourself to love again. Or maybe allow yourself this time for you, to grow and establish your own life without being with someone right now. Just concentrate on you and things you can do to make things better for you and your kids. Just know he will always hold a piece if not all of your heart, and put it to rest. But first you have to let it all out...cry, be pissed off, be sad, mourn in whatever way you need to mourn....then be free except for the memories of him, and the love and children you shared. He would want you to have a rich and happy life, start by telling yourself you deserve that too.

Answer 3

Sadly I think this type of pain only lessens, never totally fades. I was 27 and my husband was 30 when he passes away suddenly 20 years ago. I still have days when I could swear I hear his foot steps and hear his voice calling me to wake up when at the edge of sleep.
He is the yardstick I have measured all other men against and found them wanting.
Even though I have been lucky to know several wonderful men none of the them have ever touched my heart to the same depth and I expect none ever will.
You and I have both been blessed to find our "soul-mate" early in life. Even though they are gone now, we have to hold that treasure close and remember many women do not ever find such love, even for a short time.

Answer 4

You have to realize that you were fortunate enough to be with someone you loved that deeply. You will never forget your love that passed away. You shouldn't. Obviously his spirit is still with you, so continue to hang on, but think about what he would want for you. Don't feel bad about what you don't have...feel thankful that he shared what little of his life he had, with you.

None of us knows what will happen in the future, and chances are, love will hit you when you least expect it. Be ready and be thankful.

Answer 5

I lost my first husband 10 years ago and am remarried now. I still think about my first husband. Last night I dreamed that we were getting married again. You have children with this man so I can only imagine how that must add to it! You are normal in my book! You just loved and still do love him. Let yourself always love him but know that he wants you to be happy and love again.

Answer 6

Darling it is normal but you must move on
I know some would say that you have, but the truth is you have not, moving on that does not mean youstop loving him it mean that you care enough to have a life that God have giving you
so to help you live the rest of your life possibly love again
you need to seek counseling
the Trick is to remember him but still have a life
God Bless