When my hubby and I got married he was a virgin and I was not. He told me that while he was growing up he thought of sex as dirty. This stuck with me. My hubby also says that sex is not as important to him as it it to other men. I have never had this problem with anyone from my past and it bothers me to have this problem with the man I am married to now! He says that he doesn't think that I am dirty. I think I might be having trouble intergrating sex and love. He seems more focused on kissing, touching, hugging and I just want to "get it on". This is creating many problems because we haven't done anything in 6 months. I don't want him touching me because I automatically think of sex and it bugs me because I know that he is not. I hope this makes sense and someone can help.
*****serious answers only - all others will be reported as abuse - thank you****
2007-02-08 05:50:37 · 35 answers · asked by Faith 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
The fact that you married him, you knew what you were getting into to. HE also knew what he was getting into as well. I think you need to go talk to a sex therapist and hash out the issues. I dont understand how he can consider kissing not dirty, but intercourse is dirty. It is swapping bodily fluids. Sounds like he has some issues that need to be addressed. Good luck..
2007-02-08 05:55:30 · answer #1 · answered by hank 3 · 4⤊ 0⤋
It seems you guys didn't do much talking before you got married. Just because you can't have sex before marriage doesn't mean you can't talk about it and create a level of comfort between the two of you. I would say don't start being the way that you are now. It is just gonna create problems that you don't really need. Since he is a virgin to al this he has gotta create his identity as it relates to sex. You see you already have yours but he doesn't. He maybe feeling as if he can't satisfy you or inadequate in some way. What you need to do is learn to use those feminine wiles. Come on, I am sure you know what I am talking about. If all he wants to do is kiss you gotta show him that there is more. Stroke him, make him stroke you, tease him, show him that yeah kissing and holding is good but that's just the beginning. Wake up in the middle of the night and ride him like Sea Biscuit. Or have him walk in on you pleasuring yourself. You gotta awaken those lustful manly desires he has buried deep down. And when you do make love exaggerate a bit so he knows you like it. You gotta use every skill at your disposal.
2007-02-08 06:46:11 · answer #2 · answered by Wordsmith 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Does he have a physical problem? .....And perhaps he's unable to address that issue. Thus the 'excuse' of thinking it's 'dirty'.
At any rate, the reason behind whatever the problem, is the real issue. And seemingly the only recourse would be professional assistance. I would consider both medical, and mental. Since mental rules the body. And by mental, I'm not implying he's crazy. But rather needs some help in sorting out his thinking in a more positive fashion. Good luck on your road to success!
2007-02-08 06:13:28 · answer #3 · answered by iyamacog 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I would be willing to bet that it has to do with what he learned about sex as a child. It was likley engrained in him that sex, for the act of sex, is dirty. And while sex can be dirty, it is not always dirty, nor can it always be touchy feely soft and emotional. You need to have a balance. Between making love, and sex, caressing, and close time. A healthy relationship will have the entire spectrum. It may not all be there at first, abut as time progresses, you will experience more together, and share your likes and dislikes, desires, and hates.
Also, have you told him there are times you just want to be dirty, and you need him to be dirty? There is nothing wrong with that, it is a need that you have and only he can satisify it. It may be uncomfortable for him, but ask him to try. Also, spend plenty of cuddle time.
2007-02-08 06:05:36 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
My concern here is that you knew this before getting married. That should have been a red flag for future intimate problems. You can't change his beliefs. It's one thing to have a low sex-drive. It's another when someone believes that sex is dirty. I wonder why he thinks that...I wonder if that was taught by his parents. This is something that is going to be hard to change, if at all. A marriage counselor might be able to help you. He might listen to the views of someone professional telling him that sex is not dirty. That lasting and loving relationship have to have sex and intimacy. Without sex, you're just friends.
2007-02-08 05:55:50 · answer #5 · answered by Groovy 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is a serious answer. While he is asleep, strap his arms and legs to the bed and put a blindfold on him. At whatever point he wakes up, it doesn't matter. Keep doing whatever you are doing. Dress in something sexy and play sort of a dominatrix. Tell him in an authoritative (though not mean) tone that he will be released when you have been satisfied. Then, do all manner of things to him...including maybe sitting on his chest where he can perform oral on you. If he will not do it, grind your special spot on his mouth and order him to give you pleasure. Sometimes being forced to do something leads to a major turn on, especially if it is something you would not normally do. There are things my wife does not like to do, but she has told me before that sometimes she wants me to force her to do it...and that it would be a huge turn on. You could possibly give that a try.
Although since I do not know his personality, maybe your husband would be very angry and it would cause more problems. So that's my suggestion...use your judgement on if it may be something worth persuing.
2007-02-08 06:38:35 · answer #6 · answered by Guvo 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The sad thing is, it sounds like you married someone to soon before getting to know them and making sure that you both were compatible in ALL areas of life. I like you haven't met a man that didn't want or always think about sex. I myself am a very sexual person and get very b*tchy when I don't get it. You need to try to explain to your husband how important the act of sex is to you and see if he is willing to compromise with you. Try books, toys, counseling, whatever it takes. But you must realize that you should never stay in a marriage that isn't making you happy.
2007-02-08 06:22:48 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Faith, i think that you are sabotaging your self here.
from what you say it sounds like you are not letting him touch you much because you are the only one who would get aroused??? i have a hard time believing that. he may have all this mumbo jumbo thoughts in his BRAIN, but the other head has a mind of its OWN!!! we all know this!!!
so maybe he had something happen as a child, heard parents fighting, saw a weird movie, religion--something that made him see sex as sinful or dirty, but realistically i think that his penis will re-direct him if you stop letting your mind be blocked.
the thing about marriage is that it is work. it is built on honesty and trust. i think you should remove the mental blocks that YOU have created, and let him touch you again (that is foreplay after all) and YOU touch HIM too, until his other brain starts working.
he trusts you, and loves you, so now comes the honesty part!!! you want sex... get it from your husband!!
2007-02-08 05:59:40 · answer #8 · answered by don't be rude. 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Difficult! Obviously his urges are much and much lower than yours and also it is unusual, as you have pointed out, for a man. But at least he is honest and you have to give him a credit for that.
Yet, sex is important in relationship, if it is good then all other things are equally good and if it is bad then it is most likely that other things may not be good. Its the ultimate expression of love and affection for two healthy people who are in love.
Two things: Try to seduce him and excite him by doing things or saying things which, judging from your experience with him, he likes most. Persuade him also to use viagra and tell him that sex for you is important because its the highest expression of love and appreciation of your pertner.
You may seek help from professional therapist, as tjhere might be underlying causes from his past or even present. But I would use this as the last resort.
I wish you the best!
2007-02-08 06:05:14 · answer #9 · answered by Ebby 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wow what a role reversal its usually the guy who just wants to get it on. I am sure that your husband does not think sex with you is bad at all. You guys just have a different sexual past. You should try to talk to him and let him know how you are feeling and tell him what is making you feel insecure and see what his response is. Maybe you could go to counseling and if you don't want to take it that far I am sure there are books you can find about opening up to sex more. good luck
2007-02-08 05:57:55 · answer #10 · answered by Jen 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋