I am married but emotionally seperated from my husband. I cheated on him, I won't make up excuses there are none. I was so wrong and he is a good man, we've had our share of issues but have been together 15 years (10 of those married) and he is an awesome father to our 2 kids. I wanted to divorce because of the affair (not to be with that person) and because I felt we'd lost our passion for marriage. Now I'm not so sure, I hear other people's problems and mines seem so insignificant (not meaning the affair, I'm referring to the lack of passion). I've hurt him so much and I know he doesn't trust me, he's hidden tape recorders in our house and car and that makes me also think we could never be together again. I know he has a right to be leary of me but I don't think I could live wondering if I'm under surviellence, so do u think I don't want to be in this marriage. If I did wouldn't I be willing to do anything? I don't know exactky what I'm asking, I'm just confused.
2007-02-08 05:31:22 · 18 answers · asked by Completly in love... 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Put your own messy feelings aside. Your kids don't care if you're happy, passionate, "in" love or what. Your kids have the right to expect their parents to work their butts off to get along and provide them with a calm, stable home. It's not about you, it's about the kids you chose to create.
Get marriage counseling, fulfill your obligations to the children, and don't make them pay for your foolish actions. Both you and your husband have made mistakes in this marriage, and it's both your jobs to resolve them.
2007-02-08 05:41:47 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You are not a horrible wife, you are human, and it takes two to make a marriage work. Yes, you cheated, but you cheated for a reason, because something is lacking in your marriage, and you went elsewhere to fulfill it. Your husband shares some of the blame here too. I am in the same situation as you, I cheated on my wife, and she found out. We are in counseling, and she doesn't trust me, but now I have to go overboard to build that trust back. I don't know if it is worth it, I'm confused like you. I still don't feel I am getting the passion that I need, but I'm willing to give it another shot.
The surviellance should only bother you if you still have something to hide. If not, let him tape away, he will get tired of doing it after a while. You should go to couseling together, it may not fix your marriage, but it will help you understand what went wrong. Otherwise you will carry your same problems into your next relationship.
Hope I helped.
2007-02-08 11:45:58 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Please for your husband, your children and you work on the marriage. You owe that to the people that should always have come first in your life. Your husband is probably really hurt that you betrayed him and the children by cheating. It is up to you to do whatever it takes to earn his trust back. I think tape recorders are a little over the top though. It will be hard work but if you stay away from the person you cheated with and you and your husband seek Christian Marriage Counseling then that will help. 10 years is a tough year of marriage and I believe if you can get through that which is testing your marriage on the for better or worse part then you and him will go on and have a better than ever marriage. Pray about it and be faithful for now on.
2007-02-08 05:46:34 · answer #3 · answered by Tgirl 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You deserve the surveillance. It is part of the punishment if you choose to stay. Once he finds that you are honest (if u can maintain it), then he will remove it and begin to trust you again. You have to earn it back. You can make it more passionate but remember that he will question your motives of anything new and different you try. Go to the library and check out some good marriage books (cheaper than therapy). I recomend that you treat him like a king. When he walks into the room, smile at him. Touch him affectionately. Do things for him. Don't complain to him or ask for anything from him for awhile. When you do the right things, the feelings will follow.
2007-02-08 05:47:47 · answer #4 · answered by Cookie Connoisseur 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
WOW.
You're asking a lot for him to take you back. It's going to take a long time for him to learn to trust you again. It might never happen.
I wish you luck. You're probably going to have to "live under surveillance" for a while - wouldn't you check up on him constantly if he did that?? - and completely kiss his butt for a long time.
You've got a rough road ahead. I don't need to remind you that you paved it for yourself.
The biggest problem I see you having is in your statement:
"I hear other people's problems and mines seem so insignificant"
They are not insignificant at all. In spite of him being everything you could ask for in a husband, you STILL cheated on him. This is the most disturbing aspect - how freakin' perfect would they have to have been to keep you good? THIS is what he will have a hard time believing - that you will stay good.
2007-02-08 05:35:12 · answer #5 · answered by fucose_man 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I know you made a mistake and you feel like now you are under a microscope because of it. If you want to save your marriage then you have no choice but to let him do what he feels he needs to do to trust you again. You broke his trust and now you cannot put demands on him to put his faith in you again. If you can't handle the surveillance and the questions then don't live that way and leave. However if you want a life with this man do whatever it takes to win him back and earn his trust. A couple tape recorders would never stop me from fighting for the man I love.
2007-02-08 06:06:37 · answer #6 · answered by navy wife 1996 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I really don't know what to tell you that you don't already know. Except maybe if you want this to work its time to put in the work to make it. This means give him a reason to trust you, do something out of the ordinary that you used to do before you got married. Surprise him, make him fall in love with you all over again. Now I know this is not that "answer" you were looking for but if you want your marriage to continue then maybe you should stop thinking like you always have and start with something new.
2007-02-08 05:41:02 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
After you cheat on someone I don't think there is anymore to say. It is clear why someone wouldn't trust someone who has cheated but I wonder why he hasn't just left you, why he would rather make you a prisoner in your own home. People make mistakes and if he wants to stay with you then he needs to work on trusting you again and putting you under surveillance is only putting up a wall. I would leave him it is pretty clear he may be getting off on making you remember what you did and the mistake you made and that is sick.
2007-02-08 05:51:47 · answer #8 · answered by ? 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
this is from my mom: I have been marred 24 years and losing the passion is normal, try and get more experimental try toys, dressing up, role playing ect... a lot of people make mistakes in a marriage and cheat it happened to us also (him not me with my best friend for 6 months.) eventually he will trust you again but never as much now you should no if its worth saving or not. Good luck
2007-02-08 05:43:47 · answer #9 · answered by sexy mama 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you have to give him time to heal. being cheated on is the worst thing that could happen in a relationship (well at least i think so) it's the ultimate betrayal by the person you love most. some people never get over it (i know i won't) and you have to understand how hard it is for him right now. just focus on the fact that he is giving you another chance right now, so he must want to work things out as much as you. the only thing you can do is give him time to trust you again.
2007-02-08 05:35:08 · answer #10 · answered by pikachu 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋