Jealous husband?

Question

I have been married two months. This is the second marriage for both of us. His first wife cheated. Now suddenly he is showing insanely jealous behavior. I'm in marketing, and he doesn't want me to attend any "socializing" functions for work - even though that's part of my job - especially if there is alcohol involved, unless he can be there. We've been arguing about this, and he won't back down. His lack of trust is hurting our marriage. I have done absolutely nothing to cause this behavior. Are there any books or materials I can give to him that may help him with this jealousy?

Answer 1

Unfortunately due to your husbands' previous marriage and the fact his first wife cheated on him, it is easy, although difficult on you, to understand why he gets insanely jealous now. I know it's not your fault, and he should not be taking it out on you, however try to think about what is going on in his head and the hurt and betrayal he must have felt when he found out she cheated on him. He is behaving this way because he is afraid of it happening again, especially from you since he has now chosen to spend the rest of his life with someone he is trying to learn how to trust. I'm not sure if you have ever been cheated on -- I have -- and I know how terrible and low it can make you feel. You start to doubt yourself, your own self-worth, your own ability to love and most importantly, BE loved again. All I can tell you is that in time, it does get better and it will go away, but how long it takes each individual person is another thing -- for one they may get over it quickly, for another it may take months, and yet for another it may never happen at all. The only thing you can do to help him right now, even though it may seem like it is not helping him from your point of view, is to consistently reassure him that you would never do such a thing. You have probably already been doing this now, but you have to keep telling him that, no matter how long it takes, until he finally believes it. It will be hard on you, no doubt, but reassuring him constantly is like developing a new habit for him, and old habits are hard to change, so keep doing it.
As for him wanting to attend your socializing functions for work -- why wouldn't you want him to be there for all of them? Especially now is the time you WANT TO MAKE SURE he does attend them. In his mind, it will show that you are not hiding anything and actually want him there, even though it sounds silly and he should be trusting you regardless. But this is not a normal situation; it is a situation where he was cheated on previously. Had he been cheated on or not in the past, I think it is only respectful that he does attend as many functions as he can with you. You are husband and wife now and if your other co-workers are bringing their other halves, then it would be best if you did, too. I wish you both the best of luck!

Answer 2

Jealousy in a relationship can be dealt with, I seen some of these answers on here, oh "end it" you're gonna divorce. If he truly loves you, and you him, communicate to him, put his insecurities at rest. Being cheated on and then trying to open your heart and trust again is very difficult and unless you've been through this you don't know how that other person feels. Even though you havent done anything, he is scared you will. Invite him to go on some of the work functions so he feels comfortable with how you are around your co-workers, and sometimes us "women" are uninhibited when drinking, so he may be unsure of this too. Its great that you are both giving marriage a 2nd try and love him and tell him that you are in love with him and no one can take that away, only him and his jealousies as in time they will keep hurting you. You deserve this chance to prove that love the 2nd time around can happen, successfully. Good luck

Answer 3

If you have done absolutely nothing that would cause him to feel jealousy, then look him in the eyes and be frank with him. Tell him he has to come to acknowledge what he is feeling is nothing more than jealously. He has to have more faith in the relationship and more trust in you. He has to come to grips with his green monster. Here is an idea, give him a call on your cell phone when you arrive at the function to let him know you're there, then tell him about what time you expect to leave and that you'll give him a call when you are on your way home. If he can't go along with that, then just tell him if he keeps this immature behavior, it will create a huge problem with the marriage.

Answer 4

I have friends who are married still where one cheated on the other. The best thing for your husband to do and this is not a bad thing at all is to see counseling either on his own for the both of you. It will do wonders for him and your marriage. Here's the thing, when he was married before, and he was cheated on, that took a lot of things away from him that he or you for that matter didn't realize. His peace of mind, security, self esteem, social skills etc..a counselor can help him heal all of this =) AND he'll feel like a million bucks because he'll gain control of all of that. I've been through counseling myself and it does work regardless of why you should go. Let me know what you decide! Good luck!

Answer 5

Dr. Laura
Dr. Phil.

Look into them.

I would also suggest counseling. His behavior is reflecting on his past. His behavior also could of been the insinuative for his ex to also lead to cheating.

Call his bluff and attend the social gatherings. He isn't there to control your life and you are not there to babysit him for entertainment.

If he can't trust you, then he shouldn't of married you nor you should of married him. The signs were there before you two got married. No one begins with in 2 months of jealousy out of the blue.

Answer 6

I don't know about any books or anything but I have a problem similar to yours, except I'm the one who's jealous in this relationship. But not so much jealous as it is cautious. In every past relationship I been in I cheated on every girl. I am in a relationship now and I can't function right because the way I treated girls back then is all I can think about. The girl I'm with now means the world to me. She showed me what it feels like to be loved and in love and I would give her the world. Everything I know that would satisfy her and make her wanna stay with me and never hurt me. I was that scared I didn't want that to happen to me, what goes around comes around. We communicate everyday and 1 time I brought it up and she said that that is why she loves me because I break my neck to try and give her the world knowing I can't always afford it but she don't care about all that materialistic stuff because she is satisfied with just being with me. What I'm trying to say is just talk to him I don't think none of them books work anyway.

Answer 7

Have him go with you to these social functions for work. This should help him with this feeling. He obvioulsy was very hurt by what his fist wife did to him and his marriage and he does not want it to happen again. He needs counseling and help to learn how to get past things and to learn to trust again but this will take time and healing on his part and you need to be loving and patient while he does this. I also recommend marriage counseling for the both of you too. Have him go to http://www.drphil.com and email Dr Phil and see what he has to offer and to say. I wish you and your husband the best in getting past this. I hope thjngs get better for the both of you soon and you be the supportive and loving wife you need to be through this. He needs you now more then ever!
You need to strive to understand where your husband is coming from and why he feels how he does and you need to love and be there for him through it all!

Answer 8

He needs to know that this jealousy is his issue - not yours. You did not cause this - he did. He also needs to know that acting like this will only push you away, not pull you closer. He is choosing to let what his ex did rule his life. It is a choice. Plus, if someone is going to cheat, they are going to cheat, no matter what you do. You are not his ex wife and he should not be treating you like you are. Sometimes when people are really jealous it's because they have been acting inappropriately themselves. Just remember, this is HIS issue. Put your foot down and tell him that you are not going to tolerate it. That you choose not to live like this, and if this is the kind of life that he wants to live, then he can be jealous and controlling all by himself. Good luck!

Answer 9

Heres one that will sure stun him and he will be speechless. When the jealousy kicks in. Stop him and say please, I am not the woman from your past that hurt you, and I am tired of getting punished for what they did to you. I love you and I married you for you not to marry so I can go cheat. Remember our vows well I meant mine with my whole heart. Give him a hug and say you know I love you and I want us to be us. Lets be a team and make this marriage work and have trust. And leave the past behind us, (get in front of the mirror w/him )and say this is my the future us.

Answer 10

When guys take a chance and open up their hearts to a woman and she does that kinda of thing to him its hard for him to let go. I have the same problem with my fiancee but now i realize that he will come around sooner or later. I mean I love him enough to wait for the to happen but at the same time he is working on it too. Just tell your husband that his behavior is hurting the marriage and that you are willing to wait for him to come around as long as he is willing to work on the issues that are causing the problem