I can't seem to forgive...?

Question

I found out about 3 months ago that my boyfriend of almost three years has been maintaining an online relationship with a girl for almost two years. He had actually went on a date with her early in our relationship, which I found out about, and we have spent the last two years trying desparately to get past it. He assured me that he no longer had any contact with her and had no idea even where she was. However, thanks to myspace, I found out otherwise. Turns out, he has maintained what he calls a "friendship" with her all this time, and has even been on two non-physical dates with her since. (By the way, she didn't even know he had a girlfriend..he never mentioned me.)

Now, of course, he's a changed man and has been trying so hard to make things right between us. I just can't seem to get past it, though.

Any thoughts on this? How can I learn to forgive? And should I?

I have to say I'm surprised that you are all referring to what he has done as "cheating." Thank you for that. I feel the same way, but many people think that because it wasn't physical, then it wasn't cheating. To me, it's just as bad. (BTW, they both told me there was nothing physical and that they were "just friends.")

Wow, flagger_guy, you really know how to make a person feel better. Obviously, this has never happened to you.

Answer 1

If you can't forgive him - then this relationship is never going to work, no matter how hard he tries to fix it. He lied to you and her - hurt two people at once.

He cheated for over two years. That is a major trust issue. You have to find a way to trust him again.

There's no formula to follow to forgive him. You either do or you don't. And even if you do forgive him - do you still want to be with him? Just because you forgive his actions doesn't mean you are bound to him.

Personally I would move on. There's someone much better out there - who will respect you and love you. Don't waste time on someone who spent 2 out of the 3 years lying to your face.

Answer 2

Normally I look for anyway to tell people to stick it out and forgive. Forgiveness is always the best route to go in a society filled with individuals so easily willing to give up and move on at the drop of a hat. Though there also has to come a point when moving on is the right thing to do. Clinging desperately to a bad relationship is far from healthy.

Being lied to and betrayed for years, while he maintained an online connection with someone behind your back is a huge issue. Something I definitely understand. The difference for me is that I was married and my wife maintained an online connection and physical meetings with a woman she was attracted to, behind my back, for six months while we attended marriage counseling. Long story short, we are now divorced, because she never truly put the effort into our relationship.

As a Christian, who absolutely does not believe in divorce, it was a very hard step to take, but as it turns out I have been lead to meet a much more amazing woman who treats me as I should be. It is possible that forgiveness is the answer, but only if he puts in a truly concerted effort to better the relationship. If not, then that may be your answer. If I were you I would sit down and really think through your situation.

I would highly consider the fact that there has to be someone out there who would focus on you and not need to keep such hurtful secrets. If you can't get past it, then maybe you aren't meant to. For me, being unable to trust my partner would make a truly passionate and loving relationship impossible. Nobody can truly tell you if you should forgive or move on. Only you can make that final choice of what will wind up being best for you. Just remember that there really are so many options out there and people do actually exist that don't lie, cheat and steal in a relationship.

Answer 3

This is something you really have to do some soul searching on. Because if you already know you're never really going to trust him, how can you go on like that, always wondering what or who he's doing, and all that jazz. It's not worth the constant stress you'll be under. No one says you HAVE to get over it. Has he earned your trust back? Is his life an open book...and why did he lie, then you have to become a private investigator to find out the truth? For me, once betrayed, it's very very hard for me to regain trust in that person, because the question mark is always looming over our relationship...will he, won't he...etc.
Take a good look at if you want to go on that way, and if not, you still have time to find someone that's not about that kind of crap.

Answer 4

Girlfriend you are going to fine it very hard to forgive that leing Bastard. The fact that he lied to you that he had ended the friendship with that girl and he didn't mention that he have a girlfriend, makes matter even worst. And you finding out on Myspace that he's still talking to the girl, Oh, My Jesus. Some men are just liars and hard to understand. I know you find it hard to believe him now and he can't get that trust from you again, because he have already lost it. Just take things step by step, because you haven't done anything wrong to be hurt like this. Learn to forgive and try your best to forget it. Take care

Answer 5

No, he's a liar. Can you ever trust him again? Probably not. He lied for YEARS, honey. That's frightening. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life wondering if he is up to something? I'd move on. He went on 2 dates with this girl! And you never knew! He can't be trusted. I'm sure he'll say they are "just friends". If that is the case, why did he neglect to mention the fact he has a girlfriend? A long-term girlfriend at that?

Answer 6

Grow Up.

Let me repeat, Its not cheating unless they are swapping fluids.

If you cannot get over the fact that there is a woman in his life who he is friends with, then leave him.
If you wish to have an adult relationship, then you have to accept that there will be other adults, male and female, who are in your partners life as well. It cannot be avoided and as long as it is not sexual, get over it.

Needing him to change because he corresponds with another woman is childish and destructive. Let me get this straight, you are not even married. There was none of this forsaking all others thing stated either.

You are setting unrealistic expectations of your partners interaction with other people. Your attitude sounds like it is not far removed from the high school experience.

Again, grow up.

Answer 7

your having a rough time forgiving because after u found out he continued to lie now your wondering when he will cheat if he will cheat, u have lost your faith in him. if he has kept any kind of relationship going with her, and she didn't even know about u than he wasn't upfront with her either, and may not like confrontation about anything he does, because he has no intention of changing anything, but if your in a relationship and u know your not his one and only it is time to cut him loose, as it is never good to just sit there and wait for the shoe to drop, u can't take any thing he tells u as being truth, so no wonder u can't move on and u never will. he knows exactly where she is, and how do u know he has not been intimate with her too? as he has not been completely truthful about anything. personally i would cut him loose and move on because if u have no trust u have nothing.

Answer 8

Okay from experince did it once will do it again. Walk away while you have your sanity. He won't stop. A woman that my mom found out my dad cheated on her with never went away. He said it was over and he didn't contact her anymore. Well he maintained the relationship till the very end.

Answer 9

I can't believe that you have stayed with him for 3 months after knowing how he has been lying to you. Walk away and never look back. Bet my last dollar he will be in her bed the day after you leave. He obviously is looking for something else where. Just be happy you didn't waste more than 3 years with this bum.

Answer 10

He's proven to be a liar, he's proven that he is capable of betraying your trust for years, on a regular basis. He has proven he can lie to you and to another woman. He has been dating another girl, and though he claims is was "nonphysical" what makes you think you can believe him?
And what makes you think she's the only one? She's the only one you know about. Why should you remain with someone whose track record is all about betrayal lies and deceit? Is he the man you can trust to give you emotional security, a sense of peace, a loving closeness-- or is he all about lies, cheating and betrayal?