He is 9 and in the past ten months his parents have separated, divorced, his father is now living with the other woman and we are moving into a smaller home. He was in counselling for awhile and although he still has issues with the divorce he seems to be doing okay. When I told him we were moving to a smaller house he got upset. He does not want to move. I understand he does not want to move but we are staying in the same neighbourhood. I try to explain to him that although the house is smaller we will be happy there and that our current home is too much work for me. However, the main reason I want to move is I am trying to move on and it is difficult living in the house with all the memories. I know I cannot tell him this. I know he is simply trying to gain some control in his life. But there also comes a time when I need to put me first. Any suggestions on how to deal with my son? I am trying to do my best with him but it is tough. I do not want him hurting.
2007-02-08 03:30:08 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
The answer you gave him is good. As long as he gets to stay in the same school, and neighborhood, he will be fine. In order to help him feel like he has some control over the move, let him choose which room he wants (if there are enough to choose from), and let him pick out a paint color, and a few new items to decorate his room. After you have settled in, let him have a few friends over for a pizza party or sleepover. Let him plan the details (within reason!) Good luck!
2007-02-08 04:13:14 · answer #1 · answered by Tiss 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Obviously for all the reasons you wish to move. Are all the reasons he probably does not. Change for anyone is tough. And apparantly the house may be his strongest change that he isnt quite ready to part with. About all you can do is continue to try and convince him this is the best for all concerned in so many ways. One of which is to create new memories to go along side all those you may be leaving behind. It makes for a fuller richer, well rounded individual. He may not understand it at this moment. But he will come back to thank you down the road. If YOU believe it, HE will as well. He's young enough to grasp what you're saying. If he were in his teens would be a stronger matter of resistance on his part. Be thankful at this point. Best wishes...
2007-02-08 03:49:58 · answer #2 · answered by iyamacog 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The easiest answer is to love him. I went through this when I was younger. Whatever you do, don't use your son to get back at each other. My parent's were master's at that. He will get over the initial shock. I would continue therapy though as there will still be issues. But as a parent you have to do what's best for him even though it might not be the most popular answer.
I would suggest having him focus on the positive. Together, make a list of all the great things that can come out of the new place. Perhaps let him customize his room. Let him have some say and empower him.
2007-02-08 03:37:53 · answer #3 · answered by Parkerctlo 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you really do not want him to hurt and the only reason you are leaving his home is because of the memories, please consider staying in the home another year at least. Stop with "I need to put me first" garbage. This is not the time to "put you first". As far as I am concerned a home belongs to the woman. Aren't you the one that decorated it and cleaned it, I bet your ex doesn't even know what color the bedroom carpet is without looking. Change the house around, repaint it, make it your own, all with out the interference of the ex. That is how you can help your son and can help youself.
2007-02-08 03:46:07 · answer #4 · answered by lily 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Give it time. He will hurt and then he will hurt less, and then even less. Keep doing what you are doing now. Be concerned (though not clingy). Be loving and give him a warm, safe home.
I'm not sure I agree with your assumption that telling him why you need to move is a bad idea. Kids are smarted than we all think. You can say the same thing by telling him it's a fresh start. A new beginning but NOT abandoning what mattered in the old life.
2007-02-08 03:36:43 · answer #5 · answered by Nicnac 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
All kids are afraid of new things during this time. He should adjust ok once he is there and still has his friends around. You have explained to him as best you can at his age for him to understand what is needed to be done. If he has a hard time once you move, have him see the counsellor again, or ask his Dad to also explain that the move is ok for him.
2007-02-08 03:36:58 · answer #6 · answered by mayihelpyou 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow, sounds like you have alot of your plate right now. Seems to me, your son prob doesnt want to move cuz he wants to keep some sort of "normalcy" in his life. He is dealing with alot now too. Parents getting divorced, dad is already dating (WOW!), and he has to move. That is alot to deal with. Kids adapt quicker then adults do. Explain to your son why you and your husband are splitting..dont need to go into details tho. Have your son help decorate the new place..that way it will feel more like "home" to him. I assume he will continue to see his dad..and that dad still wants to see him on weekends or whatever. (and pay child support). Divorce is rough, on everyone involved. Try to do a special mom/son day...bring him to the movies, or the park, or bike riding..something just for the 2 of you. I truly hope things work out for you and your family. Keep your chin up...things will get better. HUGS!
2007-02-08 03:38:45 · answer #7 · answered by Renee D 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You don't want to hold on to the memories but your son is desparately trying to do the opposite. The house is his security blanket.
Most talkshow host would advise you to focus on your son instead of you first. You start bringing another man in, he will feel abandoned. You should encourage his father to play an active role because your son still need a father figure who can, after all the bad feelings of battles are gone, understand him. From about 12 on, mothers can understand boys no more than fathers can understand their teenage daughters.
Seems that in the process of healing yourself, worse damage is inflicted on your son.
2007-02-08 03:37:24 · answer #8 · answered by Sir Richard 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Make the move but involve him in the decision as much as you can. Maybe you can take him with you when you look at different places and let him have some input. He'll get the idea that you ARE moving, but want him to be happy with the new place.
2007-02-08 03:36:32 · answer #9 · answered by mamabear1957 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Right now the house is the only thing about his family life that has not been taken from him. You have to try to understand that. Perhaps you could talk to him about that and try to calm those fears and anxieties. It is harder for children to move on after something like this. They want to hold on to the memories and the safety and comfort of those things that are familiar to them. Adults though many times want to seperate themselves from these things. Understand where his fear is coming from and talk to him about it.
2007-02-08 03:37:26 · answer #10 · answered by vegasg8r89129 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋