How can I rearrange my mentality and focus on being happy?

Question

To start, I know that there is a lot of misery in this world, and people who have much less than me. I am not wealthy, spoiled and ignorant. I have a real problem changing my mentality to focus on being happy.
I have both a bachelor's and master's degree, a great job and career path, a wonderful fiance, beautiful place to live, great car, etc. I'm usually broke after taking care of loans and bills, so I don't get to go out much. I'm not bragging-I'm a pretty humble person.
Last night, my fiance told me he was thinking of leaving me because I'm miserable all the time. Of course, that shocked me and I told him I felt so much pressure to plan our future and basically become a money-making-machine that it was making me miserable.
I can't afford therapy or meds--I'm certain there is another way to flip my mentality and focus on the here and now. But how? Any suggestions? Please don't joke, I am trying to improve so I don't lose the love of my life. I'm pretty depressed and suicidal...

Just for background, I'm the child of abusive divorced parents. I've experienced abusive relationships with past boyfriends. After studying psychology, I know that this type of upbringing and experiences greatly influences my mindset. Also, I'm a medical marijuana user (back pain sustained from an injury caused by an ex). It helps my head too--it's like my mind won't stop over-analyzing everything unless I dumb it down with some pot.

Answer 1

Sweetie: I'm going to be very blunt with you and hope it does not come off as being harsh but of all the advice already given here, is part and parcel of what you need. I will attempt to put them all together for you while adding my 2 cents worth.

The thing that needs fixing here is Y-O-U. Not your finance, not your job, not your circumstance. From the way you lay things out, you would still have this problem if all of your bills were paid, you were married to Mr. Right, etc.. I have been at a truly low point in my life (as I'm sure have so many of us) so I have a pretty good idea of what you are going through. One think is for sure though - I have never gotten to the point of being or feeling suicidal.

Enough of the analyzing though. Here are a few suggestions (based on my personal experience).

the first thing you need to do. Is DECIDE that you WANT to be happy for Y-O-U and NO ONE ELSE! If you cannot live with yourself then you cannot expect someone else to.

the second thing (like someone mentioned before) CHOOSE to be happy. then go for it.

READ POSITIVE MATERIAL - Vincent Peale has a number of excellent books out there - the one I read and that made a most positive impact on my life is "The Power of Positive Thinking" You need to perfrom therapy on yourself FOR yourself.

GET AND BE WITH POSITIVE PEOPLE - friends, family, associates. Surround yourself with positive things.

FIND AT LEAST ONE PERSON you can confide in and say all the things you written here and even more.

start PAYING attention to EVERY thought, mood, sensation that goes through your mind. If you know what causes a mood swing then you can work on avoiding it. I have a personal saying which goes like this: "Never let your moods/emotions or other people CONTROL you!" When you have a mood swing it is your mood deciding how you feel and react - don't let that happen, you've got the power to control your moods.

Get out more - if you live near a beach, a park, go for walks. GET MUSIC and sing and dance as loudly as you can even if you're a lousy singer and dancer.

do more of the things that you enjoy doing.

MOST IMPORTANTLY - DO NOT EXPECT THIS TURN AROUND TO COME OVER-NIGHT nor even in weeks, months or a year. It is a CONTINUOUS process, It's a process that you've got to work on for as long as you're alive. This is very important to remember, too many expect to fix 20 years of hardship in a matter of months or even a couple of years.

last, come back here ANY AND EVERY TIME that you need. As you should have gathered by now... there are people in the world who CARE about Y-O-U and will take the time to try to help.

Good Luck in your QUEST.

P.S. If this guy (your fiance truly loves you and is DESERVING of you, he will help you through this journey that you are about to embark on. Friends, family, loved-ones, fiances, husbands, etc will come and go, but you've always got to live with Y-O-U so once you fix yourself and can live with yourself, then you can face the world no matter how much circumstances change!

GOOD LUCK and i'll pray for you.

I'm neither a devout Christian nor counsellor. Just an average Joe who has been through much and know you need Divide Guidance and Intervention when your own strengths fail you are they are sure to do from time to time.

Answer 2

First, if you are that serious, you should go to a local doctor (if it is for free) and tell her/him about those feelings you are going through. You may be either changing hormons of stress and having all those negative feelings without wanting to.

If you don't want to do any of those but find natural ways, why don't you try to change your little routine. Find time for YOURSELF 1 hour a day, either going for a walk to get fresh air (after work) get your gym shoes, try starting something like that, get air in your head - or find a local swimming pool 1 hour a day, or a gym, or something that occupies your mind and away from the Fiance, lifestyle, job or other things that you are doing everyday.

There is another way, you could find a time (if you both can save some money) to go on a small cheap holiday to get away from all those tense daily routines. That can freshen your mind, and you can come back with a different prespective.

The mind is a strange thing. One week it can think of the WORST THINGS ever, (before period, etc, or less sleep nights, or if you are on a tough diet, your body can't handle little things and things look more miserable and stressful to you) - usually it is us women who go through all those complicating mind, men are more simple, can be happier, and don't give a **** much!

So best is, having your little time without a man, so you don't have to tell him your ins & outs about things. Men get bored quicker, and they start getting tired of our little 'woman'ly moans and growns... If you understand my point! So find something, go to Barns & Nobles one evening, get yourself into positive books, there's a book called 'Why women worry so much'. That way you can read and learn and control your own moods. Here is website:

http://www.newharbinger.com/productdetails.cfm?SKU=4127

buy and have a read. If you see this doesn't help, ask for a more serious help from your GP. (doctor)
gOOD lUCK

Answer 3

When you find out, please tell the rest of us- I'm NOT kidding!
First of all, if you're perfectly functional the way you are, then you need a different man. If you are NOT happy with yourself, then you need to make him secondary to yourself in this picture!
And truly, if you lose him, so what?
You need to be happy with YOU, period.
Now, I've done well at onepoint in my life, and was laid off, and I look back at what I spent my money on..
I look back at the way the doctors overlooked my hormonal cause for depression when I DID have insurance and COULD pay the co-pays...
honey, there's nothing in life like your health.
I am now in a position in which I might qualify for Medicaid in a few days (after the great job, etc)
but I need to work to have a car.
In which case I cannot afford the Family Health Plus, because I need to pay for the car. And I live rurally, so I'm stuck, too.
I may not even get a job OR a car, so that I can get what I need.
This is the choice we make.
Health First. Always.
To heck with job, car, or man.
May many blessings be with you as you choose your path.

Answer 4

Well sounds like he's putting a lot of pressure on you and it's weighting heavily on your shoulders, so maybe it is a good idea to let him go or take a break from the relationship so you can get yourself together. Also if you have a good job with benefits then you should be able to go get the help you feel you need under your companies insurance. All companies have coverage for mental health so I would check into it. To me it just sounds like you need a good long vacation form work and time out from your relationship to relax and relieve all that pressure your feeling. Take some vacation time from your job and get away from your fiancee for a while and you'll probably be ok.

Talk with friends and family about how your feeling too because it helps to get things off your chest that are bothering you so bad. If you feel your problem is my psychological then seek medical treatment before things get to bad. Just check your insurance and I'm sure you'll see that you have some sort of coverage for this. Good luck to you and I hope your feel better soon.

Answer 5

change your perspective. anything worth having (like all the amazing things in your life) are worth working hard for. Find the joy in that. Do give that a try. See your life for how it really is.

Failing that go travel, remove the things from your life that make u miserable, go live on a beach and be poor but happy. Suicide is never an answer, if u don't like ur current life, change it don't end it. The world is incredible. If you are still feeling bad chat to your friends or make new ones online, so u can vent anonomously!!

Answer 6

Make yourself a daily journaling type page with the following questions on it to be answered each morning.
1. What am I happy about, or what could I be happy about if I chose to be, right now in my life?
2. What am I excited abour or could I be excited about in my life right now?
3. What am I proud of in my life right now?
4. What am I thankful for in my life right now?
5. What am I most enjoying in my life right now?
On the same journaling pages answer the following questions each night.
1. What am I totally committed to in my life right now?
2. What did I do exceptionally well today?
3. What do I have to be absolutely thrilled about today?
4. What could I do better tomorrow?
5. What are my goals for tomorrow?
Give yourself three or so lines after each question to fill in your answers. Make three months worth of copies of the page. three hole punch them and put them in a binder. Fill it out everyday no matter what for three months. You must find something for each question even if you feel so depressed it takes a long time to think of anything. Remember, you can always be happy that the sun came up this morning or that you are not watching your child die of a terrible illness. There is always something to be thankful for. Also read the book "Awaken the Giant Within" by Anthony Robbins. another suggestion: Look up wwww.flylady.com. this website can make change your life as well. Good luck to you.

Answer 7

To be perfectly honest, at this point you need help. I find it hard to believe that a "money making machine" doesn't have insurance to offset the cost of therapy, but i am not here to guess or judge.

One thought might be to find a mental health clinic in your area. They can provide you with a therapist to work things through with and evaluation by a psychiatrist for possible med scripting. This is all provided at little or no cost to you. If you have insurance, they will bill them for some of the services.

Another option would be to talk to your primary care provider. Your Dr. may be willing to prescribe you a general anti-depressant. Try asking him to write you Welbutrin SR as generic.
I would avoid many of the highly advertised SSRI type drugs since you would not be seeing a psychiatrist.

As for the script, many large stores are now offering generic drugs at very low prices. As low as $5 a script, I'm told. In addition to this https://www.pparx.org/Intro.php can offer help at getting your scripts at little or no cost to you.

Admitting you have a problem is the biggest step. Please get help.

Good luck.

Answer 8

You're stuck in a rut because your view of happiness depends on how much money you are making, right? You think to your self, If I could just get a raise, win the lottery, find $100 bucks, win this contest, THEN I'll be happy!

Girl, life isn't about you! Are you putting more into life than you are getting out? Do you have a deep-seeded joy in you? Do you want it? Are you ready to admit you have problems to a Holy God? Are you ready to admit that your lifestyle has offended Him, and turn around once and for all? He's waiting...

Answer 9

I have gone through times like this, and I asked a very wise (and positive) friend how she stayed so happy. Believe it or not, she told me she chose to be happy. I tried it and it works most of the time. I literally find myself saying in my mind: "I choose to be happy" and it forces me to find something good to focus on. Try it.

I hope it helps.

Answer 10

You need to see a doctor. You're unbalanced and that is not meant as a joke. Your life is more important than money, so if you have a job you can afford meds, therapy or whatever it may take.