My wife has been having an emotional affair.?

Question

After confronting her, she said she dosen't know why she has been doing this, the attention she guesses. She stated that she loves me and wants to stay with me, but cannot help but want to keep this emotional relationship going. To her credit she has told him several times to stop all personal contact with her. The problem is that they work together. She knows I'm upset and hurt, but if I demand that she stops all communication, I'm afraid that will push her away. I love her and want to work things out, but at the same time I don't want to just sit around waiting for her to choose. Oh, and this guy is married too. What are your suggestions.

We are trying counceling.

She has told me over and over that she wants to be with me and not him, but she feels like she's addicted to the attention and the secrecy of the whole issue. She said she knows she's wrong and that she is sorry.

I love how so many women blame men for not loving their wifes enough and giving them the attention. As if that's the only reason this could have happened.

If the tables were turned I would be called a scumbag and it wouldn't have anything to do with the way she treated me.

Answer 1

That is a sad situation, but really, I did not understand cos' she says she wants to keep the relationship going, but has told him several times to stop all personal contact with her....how does that work ?

You are right about pushing her away, but you cannot wait forever can you. But let me tell you, this guy is married right ? does his family know about this ? Because I think if you really want to see how things change, you should convey this message to his family too....anonymously. And just wait and watch. He might be just leading her on, and these sort of relationships can never never last long. I mean, where have you come across that, why I feel is because your wife seems confused. She says she loves you and she is, I am sure, feeling awful about it, but that is one thing you have to find out too, that is, what was missing between you and her, did she just convey to you something about getting attention ?? Look closely, and act accordingly, give her the love and attention she needs now, because I am sure she feels ugly about the whole thing. You are the one thing that is stable in her life, and show her that. Show her, in whatever indirect ways you can, that this guy is not going to finally have some long lasting relationship with her, cos' he has a family too, to whom he is committed. I know this is an absolutely unacceptable situation, and really you have been sweet enough to be with her, and give her time....so while you are at it, why not make the best of it ? Look, one thing is she would not be able to juggle two lives together, that is for sure, and you knwo that too, right ? And another thing is, this guy's family, and how he would react once his family knows.....now thats where if he drops her down, you should be there help her get up from the fall.....it happens...you will have to take a chance, let his family know...anonymously if possible, and see if anything happens. And you should go in for counselling too, both of you together, and probably that would help a lot in communicating whatever it is that may have missed on ur side, and hers...

And then again, you cant wait for her to ''choose'', thats like your love has no value, and whatever you have done is not appreciated. Its really sad, but if she cannot see reality, and this is only messing things up between you, I think you should move on, and probably wait. I mean move away physically, stay away for a while, and see what happens....

I am sure everything will be alright for you..and hope she sees some sense...

good luck

Answer 2

Quit being a FOOL! No contact, too her credit?? Then you say they work together?? LMAO So if you aren't there, you positive she's not communicating. I dont buy it dude! She's already having this so called emotional affair, but you aren't included. You are being played. I went through an exact same thing, and a year later after she said i broke it off, and i took her word. WE were done! She is being just like someone who's dog has died and is looking for a new puppy as a replacement. In the long run, ending this now, will be a blessing for you. Believe me, you will NEVER ever be able to trust her 100% again. At work you'll be thinking are they having lunch? Are they talking on there cell's, are they texting each other. If she wants to go out with the girls, you'll be thinking the whole night, is she really meeting him? You need to approach his wife, and tell her whats happening! Bet she wouldn't buy what your buying!

Answer 3

Sitting around and giving her the time and convenience to choose is not to your benefit as you are well aware. Furthermore, it undermines any respect she may have for you. If she feels she can push you over -- she will. That is human nature, my friend.

You need to stand firm on what you know is right -- and act on that. I think you know what that means at this time, but you are afraid to do so. Fear is your enemy and will never guide you correctly. Don't let your fear guide you, let your logic guide you. It will guide you safely where you need to go. Be strong, stand on what you know is right and act on it.

Like the man above said, women cheat emotionally for two reasons: (1) they are missing a connection at home, or (2) they just love flattery and attention. You need to get to the heart of your situation with your wife. Which is it?

Remember this: a short term pain is worth a long term gain. A long term pain is NEVER worth a short term gain. You are acting in the latter phase right now.

I think your wife knows her actions are wrong too -- simply because she has tried to tell this guy to stop all personal contact with her but she doesn't enforce it. She HAS THE POWER TO STOP IT by not responding to it -- but she doesn't.

Look at it this way. By staying in this inappropriate emotional affair, your wife is being selfish and willing to put *her needs* above your security for her own personal gain! Do you realize this? She'd prefer to get attention from another man -- rather than worry about your emotions and well being.

This is clearly wrong.

Don't tolerate it. Tell her you are not going to accept it -- and that she better not hide it because if you find out she does/is in the future-- you will leave and never turn back. And say it with meaning and conviction. You must mean it.

This is not a time for understanding. This is a time to ensure you get the respect you deserve and right now, you aren't.

* Please rate the advice your receive.

Answer 4

an emotional affair is far worse than just a physical one to me, as in an emotional affair they talk about personal things, gain trust for one another, and it may lead to more later on once someone makes up their mind. just what is this man doing that u can't do, women sometimes feel like her husband is not meeting her emotional needs, that it may be unsafe to confide in her husband, due to everytime she bares her feelings he has something negative to say to her, shutting down any future possibliity of feeling safe with the husband, u have to be her best friend, one she feels she can talk to about anything, without getting shut down. she has to feel safe with u emotionally or she will seek something outside the marriage, could he be way too rigid in his thinking, berate her for the simplist of things, even when u think the conversation is ridicilous do u listen anyway and let her talk to do u shut her down and make her sorry she ever confided in u? she needs to seek a different job, away from this guy, bacause the potential for it becoming more is good, she can tell him all she wants to leave her alone but some women just aren't that strong, and when a man is giving her attention and forfilling her emotional needs and the man at home is not, that is when u have real problems. don't be too controlling just ask her to get a job somewhere else, if she can't u need to be mr wonderful and be there whe she needs to talk something over or when she needs advice or just when she needs to vent, don't let some other man do what u need to be doing yourself.she needs emotional support, she may not be that strong of a person, so next time she comes to u with what u think is totally ridicilous don't even go there, just be quiet and let her talk about whatever it is that is bothering her.

Answer 5

First women and men seek attention outside of their own relationships when they are not getting what they need from their partner. This doesn't mean its your fault, she may not be telling you what she needs and this other "man" gives her what she wants without having to tell him. Men do this too, if there is a female who pays more attention to them than anyone else, they are flattered and enjoy the attention, but don't realize that they are doing the same thing, seeking attention outside of their relationship. You need to speak directly to her heart and tell her what this is doing to you, and you need to ask her what you can do to get her attentions back on you. Be open and honest and willing to listen. The other man is obviously not happy or getting what he wants from his relationship either, hence they have found that flattery and attention from each other. Communication is difficult probably right now because your feelings are hurt, you are feeling cheated on and betrayed. When you took those vows, both decided in good times and in bad, she has not honored those vows. Talk to her, level with her, maybe look at things that have pulled you away from her to make her feel this way, and ask the forbidden question "why are you unhappy?" Get her to open up, you may not like what you hear but at least you will be given the opportunity to make it better or make another choice. She has not been fair. I don't think you need counseling unless this doesn't work. This emotional affair will lead to eventual cheating if things do not change between you and her. You can't ignore this Good luck

Answer 6

She may have a connection with this person that she just can't help but the good news is that she doesn't let it go to far and it isn't physical. Seems like she's a good girl and will make the right choices. All you can do is be open with her and encourage her to be open with you. Communication is everything, we all have connections outside our marriage the only time its a problem is when you take it to far. If they start meeting up outside of work then I would worry. She is talking to you about it so it seems the two of you have a strong relationship that will survive this little crush.

Answer 7

Marriage counseling 2nd!,

This is only if you 100% love each other, other wise you wont get know where.

It will help unleashing some of those hidden feelings that you cannot tell each other.

There must be some reason why she is craving the attention.

But ask her and make sure you both want to commit and give 100% in making the marriage work... otherwise dont wast time and money. because it will be like trying to start your car with water in the tank.

Answer 8

You clearly need to set some real boundaries with her. Let her know how much this hurts you and that you love her, and bring it to her attention of how this might feel to her if the shoe were on the other foot. I'd let her know that if he won't stop with her telling him to, YOU will be having a chat with him, or perhaps his boss or better yet, his WIFE to make sure this stops. She CAN make this stop if she really wants to. Most companies have a zero tolerance policy (my human resources businesswoman is kicking in here) for sexual harrassment, and if she's told him to buzz off and he's still flying around her, she can threaten to hit him with that. I doubt he wants to lose his job over her. But I have a sneaky suspicion that she really doesn't want it to stop, and that's why it hasn't. If she can't be true to you, you have bigger things to think about. You may want to work it out with all your heart, but if the other person doesn't have the same respect for you or your marriage, that can't happen. It takes two people working for the same goal.
Don't let her keep doing this. People will treat us how we allow them to...and you're teaching her she can get away with it.
I feel for you...good luck.

Answer 9

Married Women cheat for emotional reasons. So there is something she can not speak to you about and she is seeking another to speak to it about. As a general thes conversations are about problems at home. Sit down with your wife and have an honest heart to heart talk with her and be open to hear what she has to say. Let her know how much you love her and want to work out any difference that you have and are willing to visit a councelor with her if it need be.

Answer 10

I hate hearing this because I know emotional affairs can really ruin a marriage if you don't take the proper steps immediately. This may sound drastic but your wife needs to quit her job and get away from this man if you two really want to save your marriage. Also you both need to see a Christian Marriage Counselor. They will focus on the vows and what it all means. A regular Marriage Counselor could possibly make things worse and lastly but very importantly you both need to really pray about this. Good luck. I hope your marriage can be saved.