I am a bit confused?

Question

Hi friends i need some advice i am a christian and dont wanna sound like i am not in controll of my life.I have been married for 13 years but things have gone horribly wrong i find we cannot communicate any longer my wifes mother always helps us but she has ulteriour motives ,she is for ever trying to make it look like she is the boss maybe i allowed it to happen but it has driven my wife and i apart she would rather take all her mothers advice instead of mine 3 times she has told me to take my things and leave but i have nowhere to go i think i have now met someone who i can talk to but i lied to her about me being married i think she wants to take this much further please guys this is very seriuos i need a good answer thanx for listening

Answer 1

Hi,

First of all may i suggest you pray about this to God and pray with your wife too... I suggest some books for you to read other then just the Bible in this case. The Power of a Praying Husband is a great book by stormie Ormartin ... You can usually buy this book at Walmart or places like that. Also The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman is a good book to read too. This will help you understand each other. talk with your wife and see how she is feeling with things and offer to buy her the book The Power of a praying wife by Stormie Ormartin. Seek marriage counseling and help at your local church or someplace too BUT make sure it is a Christian Marriage counselor and not a secular one.... You dont need to be talking to this other woman and get away from her and dont talk with her anymore! This other woman is trouble and you need to tell her the truth about you being married and that you want to work on your marriage and that you do not need to talk with her anymore about this. I also suggest you go to http://www.marriagetoday.org and Email Jimmy and Karen Evans for help with this matter as well. My husband and I are here to talk anytime you need to as well:) Hugs to you today and Please pray about this and do things God's way. I wish you and your wife the best and i hope and pray that God will be the center of all the decisions you make. Do what you know is right in your heart to do for your wife and marriage. God wants to heal and restore your marriage!

Answer 2

Wow. OK.These are my suggestions. Nobody can tell you what to do.
1) Cool or break off your relationship with this new person. You can't have a relationship based on a lie. Trust me on this. Once your new love finds out about this it will be a HUGE uphill battle to regain her trust.
2) Even if you don't have a glimmer of hope of saving your marriage you should go to couples therapy with your current wife. It's the least you can do and any marriage deserves the chance to survive. At least you can air you grievances in a neutral forum. You may also find out how you could have handled things differently.. I have been told that couples therapy actually involves 7 people. You, your wife, the therapist, and both your parents. It's kind of funny and sad at the same time..
3) If couples therapy falls apart, and it sounds like it will, go to individual therapy. You need to figure out what went wrong so you don't make the same mistakes when you finally start a new, clean relationship.
You won't get advice from either forum, but if the therapist is doing their job they will help you find your own solutions.
I'm sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. Good Luck.

Answer 3

First off, you cannot divorce, you are a christian and you know that. I think this thing with this other person is something that came along because your marriage right now is on the ropes. I am pretty sure that you have prayed, but you must pray continually, and it also might be a good idea to fast. The Bible talks about when you fast, not if you fast, you see where I am getting at? This is a trial in your life that you need to come to the realization that you cannot fix this, only God can. So humble yourself, pray and let God take control of this, and He will lift you up. Don't give up just yet, hang in there, keep your eyes on things above, and tell your wife you want to make things right. Forgiveness is more than saying sorry, it is a deep, powerful, and divine thing that comes from God.

Answer 4

First, tell the other woman that you are married and apologize for deceiving her. She will only complicate your situation. Then, get you and your wife into counseling, if she'll go. It sounds as though her mother is PART of the problem. You inability to communicate with your wife and assert yourself and your wife's failure to put you ahead of her mother are the other parts of the problem. If your 13 year marriage is going to be saved, both of you will have to work on it. And lastly, locate a place where you could afford to live and get yourself prepared, financially, to move out if things don't work out. Set up your own checking or savings account and start budgeting carefully. Get bills paid off. Look for another job that pays better; whatever it takes. No man or woman should ever stay in a relationship that isn't healthy and can't be fixed just because they have nowhere else to go. Stay in the relationship because you choose to; not because you have no other choice.

Answer 5

talk to your wife, tell her you want to work this out and that it should be just the two of you... no parents involved. it is bad bad bad to have in-laws involved in your relationships like this because they will most likely be biased.

as for this woman you just met... where did you meet her? I had a man do this to me once, but since I met some of his colleagues they let me know that he was married and I backed right off. I understand why he didn't tell me he was married though it was not honorable. Thank goodness I didn't make a move before then. I gave him a few chances for telling me about his home life but he never uttered a word. I finally let him know subtley that I knew of his woman during one conversation and we still talk when we see eachother... so it's not awkward. I say, come clean with her if you work with her or see her a lot, either by telling her yourself or getting a friend to clue her in.

As for being Christian, you have an edge that other couples don't. You have a greater capacity for relating/understanding between you two with God as your mediator (he should be like the middle man, letting you know for example that when your spouse walks in the front door that she had a terrible day at work and she needs a hug-and you know so before you even hear her voice or see her expression.)
Remember, being Christian doesn't make you perfect. Everyone feels like their life is out of control at one time or another.

Give this marriage a try for reparation. Things get crappy and stale and sometimes look like there is no hope, but trust me there is (unless one of you is addicted to drugs or abusing the other).

There was a reason you married this woman and have lived with her for 13 years so far. Life hits the fan sometimes and we need to fix things.

Oh... and get rid of the inlaw already!!!


also, I don't know if you like Dr. Laura-- but I've actually read the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands a few years ago and I thought it had some pretty good points. If your wife isn't a total raging jerk, she might give the book a chance. Just a thought.

Good luck on everything and stick a lot of prayer in the mix, too!
God bless

Answer 6

i think in your heart you already know what the right thing is to do. i also am a christian and we know where lies lead you ! you should not be in another relationship while you are married and you know this. if you cannot talk to your wife maybe you can talk to her mother about whats going on. and if you cant then you need to rent an apartment and make some space beween you and her and see if that works out for you 2 . but dont confuse things by getting involved with another woman.

Answer 7

You are in a pickle. Not only is your marriage on the rocks but you mislead another woman. What to do? If you think your marriage is over for certain then divorce her. If not, then get counseling. As for the other woman, if you stay with your wife then cut off the relationship. If you divorce your wife, then you must come clean about being married. When to do this? After you have decided whether to divorce or stay married.

Answer 8

This well only make a bigger mess of your life. You need to sit down with your wife and try to work things out. First of is to NEVER let your mother in law help again. NEVER!!!! Work it out or end it. Do not get someone new involved with your life when you know NO good well come from it. That is not the Christian thing to do and you know it.

Answer 9

I'm not sure what being Christian has to dowith any of this.

If the only reason you are staying with your wife is that you have no where else to go, I suggest you start looking for other places because it sure sounds like that relationship is over.

As for the other woman, You really had better come clean with her, because if she finds out on her own you have no shot. At least if you approach her with it, you can do so on the basis of wanting a fresh start with her.

But get the issue with your wife resolved before you go any farther with the other woman. It's not fair to any of you at this point.

Answer 10

Well dude, NEVER lie to another woman and NOT tell her your married. I would say 90% of women will dump you on your bohinney when they find out you are simply because you didn't tell them in the beginning. Thats an automatic NO-NO... Your on your own dude. Just ask God to fix the mess you've gotten yourself in to. His GRACE is sufficient for those who ask. It'll work out.Whomever said " You can't get a Divorce because your a Christian, hasn't read their Bible lately". Satan makes you confused, just remember that Dude.