Should I stay with my fiance if I love EVERYTHING about us except how we work out problems?

Question

This is honestly the man of my dreams. I adore his family, friends and coworkers. He loves my son from a previous marraige. My son loves him too. We have FUN when we're together no matter what we're doing and the sex is amazing. We've been engaged now for 7 months and the engagement has been on and off constantly b/c of normal conversations that turn in to HUGE issues. I can't tell him that he hurt my feelings without him BLOWING UP even though I'm not yelling or putting him down. He always accuses me of "playing games" and tells me "he doesn't deserve this" and goes on about all the other girls he could've been with (which is true). It gets verbally abusive in both directions. He's ALWAYS right and never apologizes. Everything is my fault. I constantly apologize so we can move on. Is this normal? I don't want to lose him if I have the problem. Do I just leave or is this fixable with counseling? I really feel something is wrong with him.

I am the one who keeps calling off the engagement. My son is 5 yrs. old. Example of fight: Having 1 family meal a week is important to me. We change it up every week to suit his schedule as a trial attorney. Me- "Babe I thought we were going to have dinner tonight and I spent 2 hours cooking and I was hoping that you'd be here on time becasue we (me and my son) made plans to..then he stops listening to me and cuts me off: "I can't even talk on the phone to my cousin without you getting your feelings hurt. What's your problem? You know I'm an attorney and I'm busy and you should be thankful I keep in touch with family! I don't deserve this! Do you think I want to come home to this after a long day at work? FU!!!" Then I cry on the floor begging for him to listen to me, while he laughs and yells more and then I stand up and say "FU" back and tell him to leave and not call me until he can tell me it won't be like this again.

Answer 1

So you like apologizing, right?
Must be a self esteem thing. Your ex used to berate you?

Sorry. I hope you get the point. It isn't going to change, unless you change it.

When you get into it again, calmly find an excuse to have him or you leave. No apology.
Give it a day and revisit the method of your exchange.
If he can't understand how you see things, then he's not for you.

Answer 2

Wow, you've got some serious issues here. The number one cause of divorce in the U.S is "communication issues."
This is definitely one. And this is not something that you want your son to grow up with knowing.
It is fixable with counseling, if your intended is willing to fix it.
If not, then it's okay to move on- and you should. You also said that it gets abusive on BOTH sides, which tells me that you may want to go to counseling alone, even if you and this guy don't work out. Your future relationships will be MUCH healthier for it.
My husband was like this when we first married(we did jump into it quickly), and he still struggles with it, though not as often. But, he loves me so he does whatever he can to improve. Our last fight was 3 months ago, and it wasn't nearly as bad as it used to be. And together, we have learned HOW to fight without hurting each other. So, yes- it's workable. But it's something you both have to want. Don't be afraid to call it off if he won't make the effort- and listen to your gut feeling. If he ever gets physical with you- get out and don't look back!

Answer 3

You should not let anybody treat you that way, no matter how much you may love them. This guy is treating you badly right now, and he sounds very immature. But if you really love him, work things out! Sit him down and tell him and nicely as you can that the way you two have been together has really been hurting you and that he needs to treat you better and needs to learn how to apologize. He will probably get mad or upset, but don't give up or back down!! That's the worst thing you can do because it teaches him that you are weak and he can always get what he wants. When he does something hurtful -TELL HIM! Say :that really hurts me and explain why and ALSO another way in which he can express his feelings. Also, try couples therapy - it will be very hard, but in the end it could save your relationship. Also realize that he may feel very hurt and upset to things you are doing, so ask him to do the same for you.
Good luck

Answer 4

If that is in fact the man of your dream it is definitely worth fighting for him. Get whatever stand in your way resolved before committing for the long term. I do think that whatever the problem is it can be resolved but it needs to be a mutual decision to really change things. Counseling is definitely a good approach.
If I may just say something, don't go into counseling with the state of mind that there is something "wrong" with him that someone else can fix. If as you said it get verbally abusive both way you need to acknowledge that there are some things you need to work on as well. We all have emotional luggage and that's OK as long as we recognize that and work on improving ourselves and our relationships.
Good luck and I wish you only the best

Answer 5

WOW.. dont marry him yet .. stay engaged.. all of what u said, is usually the first stages of a mentally and physical abuser.. even if he hasnt laid a hand on u at this point, he's also not married to u yet.. hes controling and manipulating ur feelings.... No its not normal, this is a man that has ego issues, control issues, and lack of respect for u... and im telling u, it only gets worse , not better after marriage.. my advice to u , is to seek couples counseling before u get married, delay the wedding , make him prove to u that he has changed..

I had a guy that wasnt what u would call great looking, but he said and did everything i ever wanted in a man, he was nice, and kind, he was so great to my kids from a previous marriage.. everything seemed great.. till i was 7 months pregnant with his child.. then his true colors started comming out.. first it was arguing, some name calling, etc.. he'd say he was sorry later and that he didnt mean it and id forgive him.. then after awhile it moved on to pushing alittle... then when he got me to move to where he was from knowing i had not family to turn to etc, then it turned into mind games, bringing up other women, to hurt my feelings, yelling, right in my face, to eventually hitting me..
he was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde .. one moment this wonderful person, the next a monster.. took 5 years before i finally realized i was worth more, then this, that my kids needed more then him as a role model.. constantly thinking it was going to get better, that one day he'd wake up and realize what he was doing to me and the kids, last straw was.. when he got sick of abusing me, and decided to turn his anger to my oldest son that wasnt his.. thats when i bolted out of that relationship.. I say seek help now.. before it gets worse..

Answer 6

I'm going to go with everybody saying get into counseling on this one because you need an impartial mediator to sit down on this one. Hopefully you get a good one that doesn't make things worse.

Who keeps calling off the engagement, BTW? And a couple of concrete examples would be helpful: you are being unneccessarily vague, so I don't trust the information you are providing: it's too unspecific. People who are vague are usually not honest or have communication skill issues.

Answer 7

It sounds like you are being verbally abused. If he is talking about all the other women he could have chosen over you, that's wrong. It means he is thinking of other women. If you love someone you don't say hurtful stuff like that. I also hope you are not arguing in front of your son. That will stress your child out. It sounds like you have someone who wants to control you. Best bet is one day get up and leave with your son. Once you walk at the door he will think twice. Just take your son to dinner and leave for awhile. Another thing is don't get right on the cell phone, make him sweat and think about how he makes you feel for once.

Answer 8

The 2 main issues I see here are: communication between you and appears as though your fiancé could have an anger management and denial problem. Additionally by the sounds of what he is saying to you, he is emotionally bullying and trying to manipulate you, and guess what...you don’t deserve this either. Is he by any chance a "mummy’s boy" just curious. I hate the sound of "all the girls he could have been with" this is sooo lame! So what about these girls, it’s as though he is holding you over a barrel! I would call his bluff & leave, with hope that he would pull his head in...Sounds as though he is taking you for granted a little don’t you think? Good luck and remember don’t be blamed unjustly, don’t compromise yrself and he is not always right, he will need to apologise at times and eat humble pie like we all do at times. Good luck.

Answer 9

Remember that Love is always bigger than any problem. You problem being the way you resolve problems is ironic, but not unfixable.

Counseling is always good as everyone has suggested, but you don't have to go to counseling. The objective is to get problem solving tools that both of you are willing to use. You can always read a book on marriage that will help. If you can, goto a marriage retreate. They're awesome.

You can find your best resources through you local church.

Answer 10

I would try counseling, but your description of him sets off red flags everywhere for me.

- He shifts all the blame to you regardless of who's at fault.
- he exaggerates every situation for maximum drama
- he's verbally abusive
- he never takes responsibity or apologizes
- he brings up other women he "could have chosen", making it seem like he's doing you a favor.

I'm a guy, but if you were my daughter, and you told me this, I'd tell you to cut your losses and run like mad. Give him the ring, return all gifts, and get out of Dodge. To me, he sounds like he's only a few steps from being physically abusive to you - and maybe your son, too.

If you go forward with this marriage, do it VERY carefully and with your eyes open.