How do I keep from hating my life?

Question

4 kids 2 marriages. Bad spouse choices. Didn't graduate from anything ever. New home...lot's of debt. I don't want another divorce...but we can't stick to any resolutions...ie. counseling. I feel like such a looser, an underdog. I have no life nothing that's my own. I wanted to go back to school...but it was more important for my husband to buy a Malibu boat and a home theater. So you see we can't "afford" my schooling or my life. But he travels for work all the time and has his movie ideas and business ventures and his intrests. But me I should be happy doing laundry and changing diapers. Right? I shouldn't care that if he died I would have no career, no insurance, no survival. I am esentially where I started 10 years ago, except the stakes are much higher. He doesn't listen and he doesn't trust. I am so miserable....I don't know where to turn. I can't tell my family I failed again.

I DO believe in Christ...I DO go to church Every Sunday. I serve as a teacher in church. I read my scriptures as much as I can. I pray...I never said being a mom wasn't noble. But, I am not complete. I know I make myself miserable. I make my own bad choices. But, that doesn't help me feel better. I need something more. Someone who overcame, a personal experience.

By the way, my family doesn't care or understand. They left me hanging last failed marriage. They like to see me fail. They didn't want me to get married. My dad wanted me to stay working for him and he helped all my brothers through college but refused me. He has been married 3 times and my mom 4 times. They don't care about my problems...there's are debatably worse. I am all alone.

Answer 1

I am a firm believer in God. There is nothing IMPOSSIBLE with him. My marriage would not have lasted this long without God in our life's. Honestly, I don't even want to know where I would be without Him. Life shouldn't be a chore for you and you should have an equal opportunity in a career. Were not perfect so don't feel bad about 2 marriages even if it turns out to 3. The Lord loves you regardless. Just seek Him and he will seek you. Look at what you have... 4 beautiful children...( we've been trying for 2 yrs)... A new home... ( we've been building for ever) And you seem to have hope and the strength to do what you need to do for your family. Those kiddys look up to you and love you endlessly. They are your life, don't hate or regret that. Your in my prayers girl. Your stronger than you know.
Be Blessed and Rejoice in the Lord!

Answer 2

Make sure that his life insurance policy and will is updated to include you.
As for school, if you want to go back, then go. You can always start at a community college or similar, which are very affordable. There are also grants (some that you don't have to pay back) that you can get - no matter what financial status you have. Head to a counselor and explain your situation, and you might find a perfect fit. If not there's always the work study program.
As for now, start saving cash in your own (private) account. Even if it's just twenty dollars a week...don't touch it and it will add up sooner than you think, I promise.
There is always the b-word. Yes, I mean bankruptcy. Only use it as a last resort, but if you must, that's what it is there for.
As far as your family is concerned, it's your family and they should accept you no matter what happens (given you didn't kill or maim anyone for no good reason). That's what they are there for. It's not a failure if you leave, anyway, consider it a step in the right direction. It's just so happens that the first one is usually the most unsteady and hardest to take.
Consider this: if you were to go to court (take your lawyer!), more than likely you wouldn't be out nearly as much as you think you will. Going by what you have described here, if that's a trend, then you will all but have a clean break. This is providing that you have a proficient attorney and case. Also do not forget that most provide free consultation fees and some (even divorce attorneys) do not require payment unless there is a settlement.
No matter what road you choose, keep in mind that there is ALWAYS going to be someone in a worse position or having a harder time. Things will and can get better if you want them to be.
I wish you the best of luck, and take care.

Answer 3

For starters you are a person who has feelings! These are definatley bad right now, but u can change them! I promise! You have four reasons to be proud of who you are. What an accomplishment to bring four wonderful, beautiful lives into this world & ya know what - they may just grow up to be the ones who find a cure for cancer or the solution to end world hunger, etc. As for husband - forget about him and his toys - ok you'll have a 3rd divorce - not that big of a deal really - better then staying and feeling this way - it's not good for you and not good for your children. You R important or you would not be here and would not have been blessed with your children. You know the difference between a good choice and a bad one or you would not recognized the poor ones you have made so far - it's ok - your human. Get mad and get gutsy - start making the demand correct choices for you and your kids and stick to it - your family will see your current strength to do the right thing rather then focus on your past and if they do not - forget about them too. If you have any access to funds or even access to a program for abused spouces - you CAN turn things around! Lock that SOB out of the house, have the locks changed while he's gone, goto the bank and pull 1/2 the $ (legally yours no matter what) plus an additional 1/2 of what's left (for the children (legally theirs) and get your life together NOW - you are after all raising the next pulitzer prize winner right? If no access to $$ - there are programs out there, that can help - find them! Call them! They are in the phone book!

Answer 4

Oh do I know this feeling real well.I am now almost 45 and I feel completley screwed.I did basically the same things you are.I married young has 4 kids right away and he was never home he was into alcohol and his friends and drugs.I finally put myself in beauty school,left him and got a job,remarried to what I thought was a great guy,but at the same time I never made enough money to support the entire household cause the kids came first so mine was the second income,well In my mid 30s I got sick and things slid downhill even more.When i was turning 40 I found out he was basically a child predator on the computer,we had a beautiful house that HE wanted and I put the down payment, on a huge back lawn and alot of responsibilities I was doing homecare at the time but still not enough money.Well to make a long story short,IN the last 4 years I had to sell the house,have had 3 other boyfriends that all turned out to be jerks worse than that but that is another story like nightmare you cant imagine stuff,bought a townhouse hoping my kids who were 19 at the time would help out,I started working full time again and it was a mess,sold that and now I live in an apartment its ok with my son who has to pay the whole rent,got a million illnesses am on disability and my nerves are completly shot. Looking back i WOULD HAVE DONE THINGS SO DIFFERENTLY.You must worry about yourself cause in the end noone else is going to and I mean it! You better go to school and do something that will make you independent finacially.Your husband sounds like you being in the position you are is what gives him a sense of security,that you HAVE to stay there.He knows you have no way out.I know the feeling of not wanting to tell your family,I kept that big secret and in the end I feel that what made me sick and now look they all know now and not because I told them just because hello?Its obvious.living on the edge which is what i do now is a nervous sick feeling. No You have to create a life for yourself too,if he doesnt care you must.Hasnt he made any provisions for you and the kids in case he should die? This is certainly not a healthy life for you at all,and the best part is even with all those kids you still want to go to school and have motivation and while you still feel this way do something about it,there are grants and loans keep checking and getting information.If that cannot be a possibility for you then I hate to say this but you need to start saving money even if its 20 dollars a week for yourself in the event something goes wrong tell noone about this,and start putting something on the side for you.Im happy to hear you have the motivation do things before you lose everything like I did including my health and get to the point where you dont even care anymore like I feel,I once cared very much and tried and tried and pulled myself out of alot of bad situations and now even with therapy I have lost all feeling to try to improve my life part of it is the anxiety I suffer with,its so bad I never want to leave the house,believe me these things will take a toll on you eventually.He sounds selfish and its his idea of what a wife should be.I hope you can talk to him about what you feel and worry about deep inside and I hope he cares,but if you say he doesnt trust then having you in this position is perfect for him.Think about yourself and those kids cause I will tell you the whole world does,they think about number one,you should too.

Answer 5

One word: SELF

When we get married, sometimes us woman give our power over to our men. While you are a whole as a couple, you are still separate as an individual.

This is what you do. If you can afford a boat and home theater system, then you can afford childcare. Get yourself some childcare. Get a job. Since you don't have a grand education, that will be difficult. Normally I'd say go back to school first but in this case you need relief fast. So get a job. Open an account in your name only. Deposit your money. Start saving. Don't spend any.

Once you have a sizable amount of money saved, then you are going to treat yourself once a month to a day for just you. This will boost your confidence and give you motivation. Now I'm not telling you to blow your money on stupid stuff. I'm saying maybe go to dinner with some friends or treat yourself to a pedicure. Start small. After a while you'll have enough money to begin sending yourself to school. Remember that there are lots of grants and scholarships that you can apply for to assist you.

Basically you need to set some realistic goals for yourself, map a path on which to take to achieve those goals. Your kids will see the change in you, your husband will see the change in you, and more importantly, you'll have change within.

Answer 6

Check in to your local junior collage. There are grants available, student loans, and those loans you don't pay back until you graduate. Take one step at a time. You really need to think about your future. Don't depend on any man to be there for you. I married young and went to school I didn't go as far as I wanted. I am a medical assistant. My mom told me I should stay home and raise my two children. Its a good thing I didn't. My husband was all ways on a power trip and very controlling, and very rich, he had P.I. following me, the house was never clean enough, I had the kids to take care of and there extra activities the list goes on and on. Then finally I had enough. We divorced. I don't have the same life style. But I am so much happier I have peace of mind. I can support myself, Please find a way to go back to school so you don;t feel so trapped. I know you see the need. You can do it. If I did . I know you can too.

Answer 7

Find something that you love to do and start doing it. Start writing, for instance. Write a short story or a novel. Join a book club. If you want to go back to school, get a student loan to do so. It might even help your marriage. If you're happier with your life, you'll make the people around you happy as well.
Remember, it's never too late to start over. A new life begins today.

Answer 8

first of all you have to count your blessing because you have 4 beautiful children and they are something. we all make mistakes sometimes on who we choose, and if you go to a counslor, hey your trying to help and work out your marrage, and you shouldn't feel like a looser or a underdog, that is for a person who don't try. if you want your marriage to work go to a counslor and you have to start thinking highly of your self or you will never be happy. find time just for you. take long walks. and everyone is in dept. but we all handle it the best we can. good luck. be happy. your children needs you. and when you start to feel good about your self , nothing will bring you down. good luck.

Answer 9

Honestly? I've never been able to afford a boat ~or~ a home theatre so I can't relate there, but I can tell you that when your kids are old enough to be in school all day, go back to school for ~you~. Start squirreling money away and do something for yourself to make you proud of your life. If you're not feeling fulfilled then do something about it, don't depend on anyone to do it for you.

Answer 10

You are not a loser or a failure. You have just put everyone else's wants and needs ahead of your own, for too long. Go to the counselling on your own, you can get amazing results. You don't need his approval to have your own goals. Go to www.drphil.com . And I recommend you read a book called 'Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus'. This book made a huge difference to my marriage, its about communication between men and women. You are stronger than you think and you are worth it. Best wishes.