Why do blended family marriages have to be so damn hard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?

Question

I have written some time ago for some advice, and had some great responses, i dont think things have improved, actually i think they are worse.
Its difficult to paint a scenario of our problems as i would be writing forever, Basically my husband is 47yrs i am 34yrs, he works 40hrs a week, i work 20hrs a week.
We have my 3 children that live in his 1st marriage and family home all of the time, and his 3 children come over some of the time. (which he has trouble with) he misses them terribly.
We have been together for 7 years now, and have no children together.
He is a good father and a good provider, but because of his stress of not having the children with him 24/7 so to speak, myself and children feel as if we are to blame for being there.
This has been an ongoing torment, we fight every other day about one thing or another, he says he is sick and tired of not spending time with me, but he is always pissed off and i dont want to be near him. CONT: NEXT

He has a problem with my 9 yr old boy, (which i might add is very clingy) in our arguments he brings him into it every single time, and i hate that he brings children into an argument for them to hear, it makes me hate him, its so damaging for kids to hear that so often. But as long as its not his children that are listening, its ok!
I am so angry about this and fed up with the continous fights and misery.
He is drinking every night, which is what he told me he used to do when he was with his x wife because he was so miserable, makes me think "hey you must be un-happy with me" I am seeking marriage counselling, but we are on a waiting list, i wonder if we will be together when its our turn?
We have support of my parents for time out, so thats not a problem, but we cant even have a difference of opinion with it turning into a 2 day argument.
God! im at my wits end.

Answer 1

They are hard because they talk alot of work and dedication, Blending two families is very challenging and tough not only for you and your spouse but also for the kids involved. It is an adjustment for everyone involved. You both may need counseling and help to learn how to do this and to get advice and help on how to do it affectively... Also go http://www.drphil.com and email him and ask him for help and guidance in this situation. He may be very helpful and guide you to the right places for help.. I wish you the best and hope things get better for you soon. Hugs to you today. Sounds like you may also need marriage counseling.

Answer 2

I think it's quite unfair that your husband blames you for the fact he doesn't see his children more often. If he lived alone, would it be any different? I think that his claims about being "torn up" by not seeing his children more often are not the real issue, because even if he is really upset about it, he could turn to you for consolation instead of argument and blame, and he has more control over how often he sees them than you do.

I suspect that all the difficulties are made much worse by his drinking. If it's excessive (how much does he drink every night?) then the things you argue about might really be just excuses for fights. I think you could easily do some online research on alcoholism and the problems faced by those who have to live with an alcoholic.

Disciplining children from a different marriage is always a sore subject. You become defensive about your own kids, but see all too clearly the misbehavior of someone else's. You just have to keep talking about it with him, but NOT if he's been drinking.

I'm afraid you're never going to have a happy relationship with this man if he is alchoholic. The pattern is all to clear that his drinking leads to fighting.

Answer 3

I don't think the problem there is a blended family, the problem seems to be you both are not made for each other if you cannot compromise...
you are letting a stranger come between you and your children - and it seems like you cannot make him happy if his happiness depends on being with his kids.
It seems to me he needs a big time reality check - I am in the same situation, we both have kids from former marriages, but we get along and my husband loving my kids was IMPERATIVE for the relationship to even start.
You NEED to put your children FIRST.
Whatever your husband's problem is, do NOT let him take it on your kids !!

I would NEVER continue in a relationship with a man who does not love and respect my children. period.

good luck

Answer 4

Well this might not be what you want to hear, your in a bad relationship and need to look out for your self. you need an exit strategy. Read some of my answers to other questions and see if any of it is met for you. ok
I think you need to find some one who will love you the way you need it, more so then the way you want it. find out what your needs are, play the field. be sexually independent.