My new bride and me are having issues about her 25 year old daughter still living at home?

Question

The problem is that I married my wife because I love her, and want to begin a new life with her. We have been looking at new homes and all of a sudden tonight she says that she is not happy, and taht she feels like i am forcing her to kick her daughter out. Now mind you I love her daughter, and will AND HAVE done for her. She works, but she does not help in the household at all. She won't pay her bills. her mom bails her out all of the time. She spends her paycheck frivously. She will not clean up one bit. I mean not even take the trash out. Her room looks as though hurricane Katrina came through there. So now my wife wants to takew our house off the market, and I feel as though I am being blamed for the tension in the house. shemade the statement that her family was together before me. I told her that I am only trying to make our daughter strong by MAKING he rstand on her own 2 feet, independently. So I told her to take it off the market. But nw. Iwill be unhappy. what should I do.

Answer 1

Oh boy, this is tough. This is why divorce and remarriage is so difficult on everyone. You sound very reasonable. She IS 25 for goodness sakes. The wife is being inconsiderate of you. Perhaps you and your wife can agree to sit down and work out a plan, put it in writing and implement it. IE... We love and want to help daughter get back on her feet, so daughter can stay 4 months, pay x amount in rent, do these particular chores, and follow these rules. This will give her time to save $ and find a place. (This is just a sample of what you might come up with.) Pray first together. Then, after you both agree on a plan, then meet with the daughter to go over it with her. Hopefully you and your wife have agreed to the point that if daughter doesn't want to agree to then new plan, she is free to leave and start her own life without this jumpstart.

Answer 2

Okay, you are right here. HOWEVER. It sounds to me like if the wife has to choose between you and the daughter, you will be out on your head. This situation needs more time. You love your wife and do not want your marriage ending over this situation that will end on its own anyway. Your wife does not appear to want you involved in decisions about her daughter, and I know this is common. It is not fair, but it is common, and you might have to be cordial and outwait the situation. Just don't make comments and smile and be happy, and it could be that down the road you will be able to try something again, or maybe if she does not feel like you'll jump on the information, your wife might reach these same conclusions that you have and will be ready to do the right thing down the road. What if you proposed some type of weaning the daughter from parental financial aid? For instance, help her find an apt and pay the deposits for her and the first month's rent, then have a written system of how you are going to gradually withdraw support. Really, this kid is taking advantage of both of you, and she does need to live independently, but doing so abruptly would cause the mom and daughter to turn on you.

Answer 3

Why don't you talk to your wife about her daughter help-
ing out in paying the expenses on a home and be a little
cleaner, as she appears to be a sloppy person, with her
room always messed up and all. If the mother cared about
you she would at least talk to her daughter about the prob-
lems. Many people say they would never take a man over
their children and to me when the child is25yrs old he or
she is an adult and if the mother or father want to take
care of the adult still then fine, I will find someone who
will take care of me first, so since you are married to her
talk to your wife and try and come to some type of an
agreement about her daughter, and if it does not work
out then you will have to make the decision as to what you
want to do next. Good luck.

Answer 4

Well you knew the daughter was living there and the type of person she is before you decided to get married and make all these plans to buy a home. Now I must say that 25 is way too old to still be living at home, but her mother is enabling her to behave this way. You also know that your wife is going to be protective and that her daughter does no wrong in her eyes. The lesson that you are trying to teach your stepdaughter I believe is too late for her to learn. You mentioned that you love your wife, the better question is does she love you ? I say this because it doesn't seem that she is ready to make the transition to be your wife and won't be for awhile. So ask yourself can you continue to deal with this years down the road ? Even if your stepdaughter moves out, it is going to always be something with your wife she is going to blame you for everything that goes wrong. Pray on this. I moved out when I was 20, my mother never forced it on me, I just felt it was time and not only did I move out, I moved 16 hrs away and had alot of downs and ups along the way, it can be hard as you know, but that's life, I am now 30 and don't regret it one bit.

Answer 5

I would first like to say that you are absolutely right for feeling the way you do. If the girl is 25, has a job, living at home without helping out around the house, you are absolutely right for trying to make her stand on her own two feet.

If I understood correctly this is how the house was before you moved in. If that is the case I can only say that you knew how it was before you married her mom. It would be unfair for you to just move in and start changing the rules on everyone.

What you have to decide now is whether or not you can live with the way things are. Make your decision on this one question and it will answer many others for you.

Answer 6

This concept of children having to move out of the house when they turn 18 is a very Euro-American mindset. Many of my Asian friends are in their late twenties and live at home. In other countries people have several generations living at home. From reading your email I can tell right away that your wife and her daughter are probably upset about your forcing this issue. You mention that she is irresponsible, but you sound a little judgemental. Your wife is telling you that her family was together before you came into the picture and she may truly begin to feel this way and not want to stay with you if you force her to kick out her daughter. If you really want to help your wife's daughter you should try to be an example. Talk about how great your career is and introduce her to men her age. Give her opportunities to grow and move out without throwing it up in her face all the time. By the way, you knew that your wife had a grown daughter that lived at home when you married her, so you cannot expect this to change over night. Try to be a little bit more understanding about things.

Answer 7

you have every right to get furious, you are the man of the house not the daughter... she is way too old to still be living with you ... make your wife see the point that one day both of you will have your own kids and you do not want them to be a pain in the neck when they grow up ...

her daughter may seem scared to be independent since she is used to having her mom around ... has she no intention of getting married and starting her own family than spending her paycheck on useless things ... maybe as the man of the house try being close to your stepdaughter and encourage her to think independently ...

with your wife, make her see that she can not spend eternity with her daughter, she shoould be the one to talk to her daughter to grow up and start taking care of herself done being a pig at home ....

honey, this is your family ... you are in charge and not someone else ...

Answer 8

This might not be what you want to hear, but it's my opinion.
I doubt that her daughter became this irresponsible only after you married her mom. You made the decision to marry this woman, and you did so in full knowledge of this situation. You can't just think things will change because you want them to. You can't demand change from this situation. The only thing you can do is try to help your wife understand your reasons for why you want her daughter to grow up. I think you are right on how the daughter needs to be handled, but unfortunately you cant make that decision.

Answer 9

Well the 1st thing you need to realize is that the money problems your parents are having is NOT your fault. It is NOT your responsibility to fix it either. When adults have problems with money, their children typically start to feel guilty about it, thinking that they are the cause of the money problems, when all along it's the parents who should bear most of the blame, since it was their poor management of the household finances that ran things into the ditch, NOT THE CHILDREN. As a matter of fact, not only did you not have the ability to cause the problems your parents are having over money, you also do not have the ability to do anything to make it better for them. It is after all, your parents responsibility to make sure that you have all of yur needs met, including everything at school, and it's also their responsibility to see to it that you can get everything you need without having to worry about every litle detail in THEIR relationship. I am sorry that my advice can't free you from being affected by your parents arguing all of the time. That is also THEIR responsibility to fix. But I hope that by telling you that you aren't the one who can fix their money problems will at least put your mind to rest by a degree or two. I think your parents are so wrapped up in their own problems right now that they are ignorant about the fact that they are causing you all of this unnecessary stress. You certainly don't deserve it, so you have a perfect right to tell them about how you are feeling these days, and to remind them that you need money for this school trip. So take care of yourself, and try not to worry over things that you have absolutely no control over. :-)

Answer 10

i suggest that you sit down with BOTH your new bride and her daughter and express you feelings. She IS 25 and im pretty sure that you're not the only one thinking/feeling that way. At one point, ur new bride probably felt it too.

Start a chore chart between the three of you to start things off. Divide different chores rotating every month to get her in the habit of helping around the house. It seems childish but, hey, whatever can help right.

Then start talking about bills and paying rent. Maybe it'll get through her head and she'll either want to help or get her own place.