Should I leave my husband of 13 years?

Question

I've had four kids with this man. He's come to a total of seven Doctors appointments, four of them the ultrasound to find out if its a boy or girl. When I broke my ankle (a few years back) I had my friend call him at work and tell him I was hurt. I expected him to come help me go to the emergency room, or at least stay home with the kids while I went. He stayed at work. Then, after he came home late that night and saw me crawling around on my hands and knees, he still didn't do anything to help me. He went to work that day, and on Friday...and on Saturday! I will never forgive him for that. He works 60+ hours per week and expects me to take care of EVERYTHING else. This week the kids were out of school for snow days, they were going stir crazy, another dad in the neighborhood came home at 4:30 and took his kids sledding. I cried and cried because I knew my husband would NEVER do this for our kids...too busy with work. He's just self centered...I can't take it any more!

Answer 1

It sounds like you have a very cold husband. Confront him, tell him that you can't continue this way and that you won't have your children growing up thinking that being cold and indifferent to your spouse is normal. My husband used to be VERY cold, and still can be cold at times, but the one thing that really saved our marriage was we started going to church. We were talking divorce when we started going to a Church of Christ and within a month or two we were both different with each other. We stopped just seeing the other ones faults and started seeing our own faults and working on them. He started being more thoughtful and helpful and quit putting me down and I stopped sitting on the couch depressed and griping and started doing a better job around the house (he is in the army and we had just moved and I was really down about not being able to find a full time job and ended up having to take a part time manager job at Captain D's until I could find something better). Bringing God into our lives saved our marriage and now we have a son that I stay home and take care of and my husband actually doesn't want me to go back to work. If you aren't completely ready to give up and if you aren't against going to church I would suggest at least giving it a try, even if it doesn't save your marriage it will do wonders for your soul. Good luck.

Answer 2

There's two explanations for his behavior: 1) He's self centered as hell. Or 2) he resents working 60+ hours a week to keep a roof over your heads. Do you know how exhausting it is to work 40 HOURS per week? Let along 50, 60, or 70? I know you have the kids and you work double overtime! But, do you forget to take care of him when he gets home?

I sometimes get really wrapped up in the "he doesn't do this or that for me". But I forget the what have I done for him lately thing, too.

If this is all not applicable, and he is just a rotten bastad with no soul and sludge where his heart should be, he will NEVER change, trust me on that, so you'll have to decide if you want to stay and live with it, or move on.

I strongly suggest marriage therapy. Don't knock it til you try it.

Answer 3

2 people i love dearly are going though a separtion and divorce right now because of a similiar situation. They tried talking and she went though counciling (and still does). Sounds like he is a good $$ supporter, very hard to find these days. Talk to him, maybe have the children express to him when he is home how much they love him by doing little things, like make home made cards, bake his favorite dinner or dessert. Anything. I don't agree with him not helping you when you broke your ankle, that stinks!! He maybe having some serious depression issues and the only thing he knows to do to handle this is working his fingers to the bone. I know it's tough, but try to hang in there. Most importantly, do what makes you happy. If you are not happy with yourself first, then nothing around you will be enjoying.

Good luck and stay happy and healthy!!

Answer 4

He sounds to be a rather heartless bastard but we have to consider why he's working so much. Maybe he does it out of love and wanting to provide the best for his family. I don't know. You would be the best person to answer that. I know that a lot of men (I would say MOST) look at having the wife stay at home with the kids as a privilege they provide while you & I know what a tremendously long & thankless job it is. 24/7, no breaks, no vacations, no sick time. I'm sorry you've been so hurt by this man but I have to wonder if he knows how you feel. Have you talked to him about it? Have you asked him to go to counseling about it? Have you asked him why he seems so uncaring? So many questions I would have to ask this man I had devoted 13 years of my life to. Like does he love you? Did he ever? Does he love the kids? Another thing you have to consider is how he grew up. Was it in a household where little or no love & affection was shown? Did his family lose their home or possessions at any time & he fears that may happen to him as well so he works hard to insure it doesn't? Just so many unanswered questions here. I know space is very limited for your question but it sounds from what you've posted here that you've left it up to your husband to figure out what you want and need from him. Men aren't very good at doing that. Not trying to give them a cop-out but they are just really, really bad at that. You absolutely MUST talk to him at least and ask if he will go to counseling with you. See his reaction when he hears the news that he's in danger of losing his family. You can determine a lot from that. My absolute best advice though would be to pray. God is very good at helping to clarify things for us. Ask Him for strength & wisdom before you make that decision to leave.

Answer 5

Gary, I guess whatever money he makes isn't enough compensation for his treatment of you and the kids. So, let's begin with you. You have to honor yourself. And you have to honor your children. If you feel your relationship with your H isn't honoring you or the kids...dump him. But have a "plan B" ready. What are you going to do? Where will you live, what will you do to make money, how much support, spousal and child, can you expect from him? Have you tried sitting down with him and talking? You might ask him what kind of married life he wants and what it is he wants from you. Also, ask if he is interested in what you want out of the marriage and what you would like from him. Point out that your wishes are just as valid as his. The fact that he makes the money and has to work to do this doesn't mean he gets a free ride when it comes to paying attention to you and the kids. Ask him what will happen when his daughter announces she's pregnant at age 14, or his 14 year old son announces he has made some girl pregnant? Will he be aware of what is going on? The raising of children is important and his input is important. What is his contribution to the emotional (not financial) well-being of the family? Also, you might consider family therapy. Even if he won't go, you might go yourself. You have 13 years invested in a relationship, it might be worthwhile to invest another 6 months in therapy to seek guidance and support. Good luck with this.

Answer 6

some men have no choice but to work 60 + hours of work. Either his job demands it,or he does it to stay ahead of the bills. Life is not a bed a roses and someone need to take care of things. Just enjoy your children and quit complaining about little things. My husband works alot too and I love all my time alone (no children) I'm sure he is doing this out of love for the family

Answer 7

I, too, suggest talking with him about this. Explain that you feel he needs to spend more time being involved with the family. He may not think that there is a problem and think he is providing for the family and therefore doing his job. Don't throw away 13 years over a few weeks. If you two can't work it out on your own, seek couple's therapy. Good luck.

Answer 8

Your relationship obviously can't continue as it has been. Have you tried counseling? The two of you need to hash it out and figure out something you can both live with. If you can't find some way to relate to each other that doesn't make one (or both) of you miserable, then what's the point of preserving it? But make the effort to see a counselor first, so you'll never wonder later if you really gave it your best shot.

Answer 9

firstly, was he self-centered even before u met him? if he was, its hard to change his attitude but marriage counselors sumtimes can do wonders to help a shaky relationship.. he might not be aware that u need help or support frm him coz some guys want their wives to be strong and independent.. and maybe he's one of those guys.. do try to discuss the situation wit him first, get him to open up his eyes and look at things frm ur point of view.. how u crave for his attention especially during emergencies and how he shud not be too career-minded coz family muz always be the uppermost priority in a married person's life! i hate to see u resort to leaving him coz 13 years is a long time and u got ur kids to think about.. plz try and save the relationship..

Answer 10

He's a jerk! But talk to him first,maybe he have his own personal crisis, so ask him what's going on with him, your mariage and the family. Sometimes men hide their personlas problems like work (6o+ hours is crazy, I would go psycho) or health issues because they think they can deal with them alone.

If he was a good husband for 13 years may be is worth the time to check if he is is having some kind of crisis. But if that's not the case, it measn he's just a jerk.