I have been married for 2 years and have a 2 year old daughter. My wife left about a year ago and since then I have realized that I was wrong for being a "jerk" to her. Her and I get along pretty good right now. I get to see my daughter whenever I want and I want to work things out slowly over time. When I asked her what I would take, she responded with " I don't love you anymore"... What can I do to show her that I am NOT the same person I was back then and show her that I still love her a ton and would do ANYTHING to work things out? Besides admission of guilt for being a "jerk", showing her that her and my duaghter mean everything to me, I am at a loss...... HELP !! When I say I was a jerk, I mean that I would not spend time with her, I would distance myself from her and spend time with my mom and sister as my father died recently. I needed time to heal from the death of my dad, but I did that at the expense of my marriage......
2007-02-07 15:54:58 · 28 answers · asked by notabadguy 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
sounds like you really screwed up and she is afraid of being hurt again. i don't think you have a chance, unless you start off as friends and work VERY slowly.
but if i were her i would give you another chance. if it's like you said then it is not your fault you were a jerk, it was extenuating circumstances that will never happen again. to me that is a reason to start over.
give her time. that is the only thing you can do to gain her trust back.
2007-02-07 15:59:29 · answer #1 · answered by pikachu 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
How sad...Here are some ideas.
Try to spend more time with her. Come over to see your daughter and also talk to your wife a bit. Start out with hi's and ask her what's up till it becomes a daily routine of talking to her. Then talk about spending more time together. Like, for your daughter's B-day, suggest you BOTH go out to dinner. If she says no, its ok. Just open times when you can spend time with her even if it doesen't work out. At some point, when she feels a little more comfortable around you, tell her that you've changed and were going through a hard time. Wait for the right time, though. Do not lay in on her too soon. Maybe in year or two. If you two really have something, she cant live alone for too long. After a while of repairing your broken relationship you can finally get back together. If she doesn't want to be together again, at least she will be fond of you...at least she will be a friend.
I hope these ideas help.
But if she doesn't love you for real, you cannot do anything and you have messed it up. She could have been really hurt...but if she doesn't love you anymore, then it is done. Even if you are determined to win her back, if the love is gone from her side, it is too bad. Perhaps there is still something in the bottom of her heart for you.
Best of luck to you and your wife.
2007-02-07 16:13:43 · answer #2 · answered by plopple 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tell her that you appreciate her letting you see your daughter, and that you think that she is really a great person, and that you understand why she doesn't want to be with you right now. Right after that don't let her talk and say that you realize that things have been going wrong in the relationship, and that she has a right to feel the way that she does (this is a great validation trick). Right after that say again..."you're right, I think that we should end this relationship, because like you, I too am not happy." Here is the clincher, after that do not call her no matter how much you may want to. When you do call make the conversation short and get right to your daughter. Do not tell her that you love her or that you miss her anymore. This is your only chance. if you do this properly she will come back to you, because you have peaked her interest, you have intrigued her. After that take it slow. Make her think that you can take it or leave it. It is your only chance, that's how women work, believe me.
--Armed and Dangerous
2007-02-07 16:39:20 · answer #3 · answered by Shock and Awe 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I was thinking you were a jerk until I read that your dad died, and you needed to spend time with your family. That is a very, very valid excuse - to a degree. You can't blame the failure of your marriage on the death of your father.
Meanwhile, a woman who loves you but leaves is a woman who's had enough. If she's been gone a year already, and is saying she doesn't love you any more, I'd say its a lost cause.
You CAN keep trying. You can keep demonstrating your new self, without explaining it to her. Actions will speak volumes in this case. Words may mean nothing to her. Be patient, be NICE (never underestimate the power of being nice) and you may get her back. Aim high - but accept it if she doesn't want to get back with you.
2007-02-07 16:18:42 · answer #4 · answered by Ade 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Since it is her life and up to her whether she takes you back or not, there is nothing anyone else can do to make up her mind for her. The only thing you have control over is what you do, think, and how you respond to situations. If you really love her and care about her, you might try taking a small step first such as treating her nicely, consideratly, and giving her respect, etc....without thinking about your own gain (having a wife again). If you love her as much as you do, then you'll care about her as a person and want the best for her: Whatever the best for her is- which may or may not be you. Love is not enough in a relationship (although it is important), how you treat someone affects anothers life as well. Even though you were going through a very difficult time, she was also going through a different kind of difficult time that you were not invovled in. Maybe you could try putting yourself in her shoes, and understanding what she was feeling then, and what she is feeling now. Try to be nice to her, and treat her nicely to be nice to her, not to get anything in return. Just imagine when your daughter grows up, Would you want her to be in a relationship where her partner was neglecting her or not treating her right? I doubt it, you would probably urge her to move on/ not put up with it, etc.
Show her that you care, and that you are not wrapped up in your own needs. Someone declaring that they have changed, or making promises of things they will do are of little value. If you want her to know that you have changed, let her see it for herself. Let her see it in how you interact with her, and in how you interact with your child.
2007-02-07 16:47:01 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry for the passing of your dad. However, as a man who is married, his wife and child(ren) come first. Not spending time with your wife, can be remedied by spending time with her. How about dating her again? And having some family time together once in awhile?During your "dates" have good long talks, the two of you. Get to know each other all over again. When she sees on your family times together-how much fun and how attentive yu are to her and your daughter, she could slowly change her mind. She has to see how genuine you are this time. I wish you the best. Take care.
2007-02-07 16:17:44 · answer #6 · answered by SAK 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Seek counseling and help for what you are going through and work on you for now... Apologize to your wife and ask her to forgive you for what you have done to her in the past and tell her that you now realize you were a jerk. You need to prove to her that you have changed over time. If she sees you be consistant with that change then she will start to maybe think you have changed and are a better person .See if she is open to going to marriage counseling with you at all. Just be a friend to her for now and dont push anything. Take baby steps and one day at a time. Do not rush or push her as she needs time to heal too!
http://www.marriagetoday.org
http://www.drphil.com
2007-02-07 16:14:32 · answer #7 · answered by Lady Hewitt 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like you really hurt her since she said she doesn't love you anymore. So, to get her back you will have to show her over time that you're different. Listen to her when she talks to you. Be sensitive. Find ways to be nice (sincerely nice) and supportive.
Just act like the kind of guy you know she wants. If the three of you spend a little time together, make the time fun and intimate and make her miss being a family.
Be careful not to appear desperate, because then she will think you are being fake, just to get her back. Just act like the cool, cute, nice, sensitive guy that any woman would want. Oh, and make her laugh, that is the best thing you can do!
Good luck, I hope you can get your family back together.
2007-02-07 16:13:21 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
well frist off at least u now know what u have done have u thought back to how u both felt when evthing was great between u well try and get that old feeling back into her aslo losing a parent is a very hard thing that somthing that take alot time and u shuold let her know why u were a jerk tel her how u feel she sounds she had alot to put up show her u changed for the better
2007-02-07 16:09:50 · answer #9 · answered by dd 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like she has made up her mind. It also sounds like she is past the point of return. Especially if she is saying she doesn't love you anymore. The best thing you can do is continue to have a good relationship with her for your daughter. You also need to move on. You see what you did wrong in this relationship and let it be a lesson learned for the next. Good luck and take care.
2007-02-07 17:33:23 · answer #10 · answered by mccmb02 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
When someone says that they do not love you anymore that is a really hard thing to fix....if what she is saying is true. All you can do is ask her to sit down and talk to you. Find a sitter for your daughter and you and her go have some dinner. Try to talk it out...not too many people realize what they have done is wrong until it is too late. But let hope its not this time!! Just talk....thats all there is to do...Spend time with your daughter and her together as well! ps buying things wont help!!
2007-02-07 16:04:52 · answer #11 · answered by alicia 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋