Being a heterosexual father to a 'gay son isnt easy either. Why?

Question

The gay community has to live with me just as I have to live with them. Im a sincere lover of people, gay or whatever. I have been around "gay's most of my life. I have gay customers who love my work, service and availability. I help gay men all the time in various ways and situations. Now I know that my open heart towards 'people' is because I would one day learn my son is gay. When he told me, it was diffucult as hell for him, because he knew I dont accept nor agree with the uniion of men and men. Im glad that I did not go off or belittle him. I am glad I didnt say anything I want to take back or have to live hard with. My son says Im his best friend. I know my belief, position and temperament are extremely difficult for him and his friends, so I guess my love of 'people' is helping my relationship with my son. I dont try to stop him from being gay and he doesnt attempt to stop me from expressing my views. Will the gay community allow this father to have his position?

Answer 1

I applaud you for being brave enough to admit to it. I'm not all that certain that my Mother really approves of my marriage (27 years); but I do know that she very much loves me.
We're so used to, nowadays, of people having to automatically accept what we are wholly rather than allow them the option of being able to not accept it or to come to it slowly in their own terms. My sister (bless her...grrr) outted me to my Mother and I spent a week in horrid worry until I was able to get to see her> That worry was that she wouldn't love me, that I would lose her. That' is essentially what your son could be doing.
Thankfully Mama said that I was her child and that she'd always love me and that she loves my partner too. Whether or not she *approves* of what we do in our bedroom she's never said and I've never asked. My Father is a don't ask/don't tell sort of a man and is happy to leave things as they are.
I am happy to allow you to not like homosexuals but to be kind to them as people. As long as you love your son (and ultimately the Partner he comes home with) that's really all that matters. Being kind to people is a good thing though. Just please, please Love you child. Blessings from a daughter who's been there.

Answer 2

Number one: Who cares what the gay community thinks, or anyone else for that matter. And as far as allowing or disallowing anything between you and your son... no one has that power but you and your son.
You sound like a good father, because you are actually listening to your son, considering his feelings, and actively seek knowledge about what you do and don't do and how it will effect the relationship between you.
The one thing that concerns me is your statement about your son knowing that you neither agree nor accept the union of two men. To your son that means that you don't accept him. No matter how open you think you have been.... his statement says he thinks you are disappointed in him.
It is very difficult for him.... Not being accepted by most of the world is hard enough.... Not being accepted by you is devistating.
No matter what the moral majority has brainwashed society into thinking... being gay is not a choice. If it was, I know I would have chosen differently. I would have given anything, not to be gay.
You are entitled to you views and are entiled to express them. But let's put the shoe on the other foot. Let's say one of your better friends comes up and says to you... "How can you allow your son to be gay? What kind of father are you? You should kick him out of your house and never speak to him again. He's going to hell!" And let's say your friend keeps expressing this opinion everytime he sees you. And even if doesn't express it, you know that's the way he feels.
Chances are, this guy is not going to continue being your friend very long. Yea he has the right to his opinion and he has the right to express it. But expression and judgement are two different things.
Do you understand what I'm trying to say here? What you perceive as expression may be conceived as judgement by your son.
I think the most important thing you let your son know is that regardless, you are not disappointed in him. I know that's what killed me..... thinking I had disappointed my parents.
Let him know you will always be his father and want nothing more than for him to always be your friend.

Answer 3

There is no magic voice of the gay community that's going to give you a blessing. The only person that matters in this particular situation is your son. If he's in a position where he truly still believes you love him, and where he doesn't feel suffocated or attacked, or feel like the butte of shame....it ultimately comes down to that relationship. I have opinions that are drastically different from yours, and ultimately I don't think I'd deal well if my dad were the same way, but my opinions don't matter. It all comes down to your relationship with your son. If he's NOT ok with that, then what good does it do to have a bunch of random strangers tell you that you're ok online?

Answer 4

So.... your beef is with the gay community for chastising you for 'not agreeing' with your son's sexuality? Is that really your beef?

You wont stay your son's best friend by offhandedly rejecting a major part of who he is, especially if he is lucky enough to find a good partner. Clearly you love him, and you ought to be worried about loosing this closeness. It's not for you to reject. You can't understand, you are straight and were probably raised by straight people, and you live in a straight world, and when you think of gay men you probably think of Liberace. You have a very rough road in front of you, and I wish you all the luck in the world. But stop focusing on being entitled to express your views, and instead focus on preserving your relationship--- which I promise you, is in danger. God forbid he need your good advice one day, and feel he needs to go to a stranger instead.

Answer 5

You are definitely in the right direction with the acceptance of your son and loving him, regardless of your opinion about his orientation. However, it has to be difficult for him to know that you believe that whatever union he has, whoever he ends up partnered with, will not be accepted by you. I think you have made the right start, but perhaps you should contact PFlag to help you go the rest of the way. People can't help being gay, and until you learn that and learn that it is perfectly ok to be gay, your son will never truly be accepted by you.

Answer 6

i wish u were my dad. u seem like a great father. u might not accept the union of 2 men but try 2. u can start by joining PFLAG as the other guy said or start talking 2 the gay guys u kno about how they would feel if they were in ur son's shoes. if u kno any, try talking 2 the parents of gays and c if u can learn anything.

Answer 7

First let me say that you are a true father or dad and a good man in general. By not saying anything bad about somebody and not having to take it back means that you accept the fact that people have the right to live their lives in the way that they see is right and not forcing your beliefs or opinions on others.
In my opinion, you do not have to approve of the way that your son is living his live and who he may end up with as a life partner. Your beliefs are what defines you as a person, just like your son's beliefs define him as a person.
You can disagree with the way that he lives his life and still approve of the person that he lives with, if your son loves that person.
Think about this, what if your son wasn't gay and brought home a woman that was 50 years older than him. You may think that your son is not in his right mind dating a woman older than you, but would respect his decision on whom he has chosen as his partner.
Now revert back to the present situation, where your son is gay. He meets a nice man whom he wants to share his life with and wants you and mom to meet him. He brings him over and introduces him to both of you and you have dinner. Everything is fine and you find out that this man in your son's life is a pretty nice guy and is just like any other man you probably have met.
Your son will probably not kiss this guy infront of you because he knows your beliefs and opinions, but would like you to accept his decision and possibly accept his life partner.
The decision is yours, and it sounds like you want to be in your son's life. I take my hat off too you and wish you and your family the very best in life, as it takes a real man to accept another person when they have a different belief as you.

Answer 8

Ricque...I wish all fathers were like you. You may not agree with his lifestyle..but you will always be his father. By him telling you that you are his best friend, he respects you and loves you. Take time to try and understand the situation and you will realize that your son is the same person he was before he came out to you.

Answer 9

I want to speak to you as a mother to a father. As you know, we don't always like or approve of the things are children do, the partners they pick, or the road they travel. Yet as parents we will always love our kids.

Society has preached for years that being gay is wrong, evil, perverted, deviant, and the list goes on. I suppose it is harder for you as a man because of society's views. I applaud you for accepting your son as he is.

Hopefully one day society will wake up. I am sure your son thanks you for not abandoning him.

Answer 10

i commend you on being as open and accepting as you are. you sound from your description to be a very good person. in my opinion(being a gay man) i would wish my own father would have the same position you speak of. we are very close. but he doesn't approve of my homosexuality due to his religious convictions. its a shame. he is 75, i am 41. we have lost a great deal in life because of his non-acceptance. but i would be selfish for thinking that every one should accept my homosexuality. for the ones that do. i give them credit for being so objective. i only wish my dad could be objective. i realize that i was not dealt that hand in life. so be it.