Boundaries for a Stepmother?

Question

My ex and I have been apart for 3 yrs. After we separated, we verbally agreed that I would maintain custody of our 11-yr old son during the wk & he would get him on wkends. My ex is now remarried--since then, his wife has done the following:
- She wrote me a 2-page letter telling me all the things that were going to change concerning my son (i.e., manners, things he was allowed/not allowed to have, etc.)
- She disciplines & sets consequences for my son & is the one to enforce these things, rather than my ex
- She calls me, rather than my ex, to talk about plans/concerns with my son
- She attends parent/teacher conferences in my presence
There's a lot more, but during the 2 yrs they have been married, it seems that she is trying to take over as the mother & is making my son feel resentful towards her in the process. At times he says he likes her, & at others he doesn't. How should I handle this? Is she wrong? My ex supports her actions. Help!!!

Answer 1

talk to a social worker at social services about an arbitration hearing. sounds like she is way more than out of bounds.

Answer 2

there isn't much you can do, now is there? at least about her...but you keep doing what you feel and know is best for your son. If you feel like what she's doing goes beyond caring and love, take it up with your ex, but he appears to be a total wimp, and probably won't change a thing. She's controlling, hopefully most of it is due to a good motivation. There's nothing you can really do for your son, if he's resenting some of her actions. Only if she is abusive or hurtful, harmful can you take any real steps. Best thing to do is to help him understand that she does this because she cares about him.

Answer 3

she is stepping way over the line.I think that a step parent has the right to discipline the child in her house but thats about as far as I go with my step daughter she already has a mother and i don't want to be her mother because i have two girls of my own and they are my no.1 priority.Its ok for a mom to be supportive and ask about school and care but going to parent teacher meetings totally unacceptable she is not the parent.She has no right making decisions for your child other than his behaviour at her home thats it.She is only making your son very confused.I am a firm believer in the ex sticking up for his new wife but this situation is different she is way over the boundary and I would let her know real quick who his mother is and things are gonna change but not with her son with her.Thats your child don't let some bully push you around because she is so dam# insecure that she wants to control everything.

Answer 4

I am a Step-mother to 2 beautiful girls that I fondly call "my girls". My husband and I are on great terms with his ex-wife but not so great terms with his ex fling. I have a few opinions here... where as she does have some say in how her household is run, she has no say in what you choose for your son in your home. If she does not want him to play video games at her house for example, she cannot tell you to do the same in your house.

My husband and I each have 2 children and we have one together. We have "house rules" that all the children follow. If I "ground" my son for something, when he goes to his Father's for the weekend, I have no say in what he does or does not do there. We do have awesome communication as far as letting each other know if one of the children are being punished in the other homes but then we discuss what will or will not carry over. We keep four different households running smoothly through communication and it is very very difficult.

The unwritten rule is that while step-parents are allowed to offer an opinion it is the birth parent who ultimately makes the decisions. I have bipassed my ex husband and spoken to his wife about our children for conveinence since he is over the road driving truck during the week. My husband and I discipline all the children the same and the disciplinarian is whomever is present during the offense. My husband and I schedule different teacher conferences for our daughter who lives out of town and him and his ex-wife go together for the daughter who lives in town. He also goes with me to my children's conferences and their Father receives a written report by my request. Again because he lives an hour and a half away and drives over the road.

Step-parenting is all about respect. She does not have to like you but she does have to respect you. It sounds to me that she has control issues and dictating your son's do's and don'ts is her way of being in control.

So... yes I think she is wrong because she comes on way too strong. She is approaching this in all the ways that are just gonna piss you off. I love "my girls" like they were my own and their Mom's know this and are grateful. My kids' step-mom loves them as her own and I am so grateful to her also. I would never dictate how they raise their daughters and would never tolerate being dictated to. If she is calling you for plans or concerns, maybe this is her way of saying "I care too, please let me be involved."

You need to invite her over to your house for coffee and have a chit-chat. Be civil and ask her what she feels her role as a step-mom is? Does she have her own children? That could make all the difference. You are in a tough albeit not impossible situation. At 11 years old any "new" rules would be a major adjustment and having 2 mother figures may feel like an old fashioned gang-up... lol Good Luck to all of you.

PS... My son went with me to Walmart tonight and bought his Step-mom a Valentines gift... ouch. I am blessed that he loves her really.

Answer 5

She needs to get her OWN KID! and your ex needs to STEP UP TO THE PLATE AND BECOME A PARENT...But then again I imagine that's why your divorced in the first place. I think this must be awful for your son, as it is tough enough having been through a divorce and now he's has to deal with the STEP MOTHER FROM HELL!
Oh no!! that's got to be a nightmare. You need to set up some type of boundaries. It might be best for all you to sit down and discuss your ROLLS! It might be best for you to gain FULL CUSTODY of your son. I am all for Children respecting their adults etc. but in no way do I agree that someone else should have a say so in what your child should and should not do especially when both biological parents are currently present in his life.

Answer 6

I think you should have a talk with her. At least she just doesnt go behind your back and do some of these things. Like writing the letter.......If your ex supports her actions then I dont know what you are going to do. If you dont like it, go to a lawyer and get something on paper. Like you said you guys verbally agreed.....Good Luck. Sorry I wasnt much help.

Answer 7

She's not trying to take over, I think you should be happy that she has taken an interest in your sons life and is trying to make sure that he has a good parental figure while she is at your ex's home. I think that's commendable. So many mothers these days don't even care. Discipline is really a good thing. Spare the rod spoil the child. I think it's just hard for you to deal with the fact that your son has another mother figure in his life. That's normal. Try not to freak out as hard as it may be.

Answer 8

I would give her a list of your expectations of her when it comes to the discipline and plans concerns etc. If she and your ex want to be involved with parent teacher conferences...great...make their own appt with the teacher. It may help to have a sit down without your son when you go over your list and explain to her how she is making you feel.

Answer 9

it sounds like to me she is just trying to be helpful as much as she can if you feel she is stepping on your toes tell her she might understand"that you don't mind her being active in your sons life but you feel then how ever you feel".hopefully that helps i have an ex and a step mom in my life too but i get along with my daughters step mom.