is this book good so far we want some more opinions?

Question

My best friend wrote this it is the first chapter in a book and I think it is pretty good but I want some more opinions and so does she could u tell me what u think and pls no wisecracks

Once long ago I was put under the curse, the curse that would change my life for ever. I was cursed to become a Phantom of the Night or as you mortals call us a Vampire. But let me introduce myself properly my name is Lorenza Galease Farvaka. I was born in Italy in 1598. I have shoulder length blonde hair and crystal blue eyes I'm 5'3'' and well lets say unique. But lets get on with my story shall we. I’ll turn it over to the narrator and author Zhana..

Okay let’s start. Lorenza looked off her balcony waiting for the guys to return from there nightly hunt.(if you have not realized she lives in a house full of other vampires mostly male ones.)Just then someone tapped her on the shoulder it was Lark he was tall with blue black hair and a face that looked like an angle had touched it his smile was some what crooked with his pointed teeth showing. he was dressed in all black. then he said good evening Lorenza you look lovely tonight she answered as do you. what have you been doing since we left? nothing much mostly staring up at the sky dreaming, dreaming of what life could of been like. if only we were not all cursed well yes but Loren you have to realize it is a blessing in its own after all those silly mortals can not live forever but that’s the thing I wish to know want is beyond our life I wish to know how to love, how to live, but mostly to sleep once again. I have not slept since 1614. "I know how you feel but you no if Calabar hears you he will give you another boring speech on our powers."so you think I'm boring a!" Calabar was tall and just as gorgeous as Lark but with a pointed nose and Reddish Black hair. He thought him self to be smart. But Calabar still thought that in his life he had learned the most but no one really paid attention to him. "The only reason I came up here was to tell you two that we have a new be." he seemed to say with glee. Lorenza thought to here self the poor guy, they walked down the wooden stair case a crowd of the other vampires all ready in front of the new guy. He was around 5'4'' blonde hair and blackened eyes. looking at him made her feel sad that his life had to come to this but when she was about to turn to go up the stairs he smiled at her it was the prettiest smile she had ever seen.

Answer 1

6/10 The story moves a little too fast, has a few spelling errors, and too few quotation marks. There are also a few places where the sentences run into eachother. The plot is good though. (what little of it there is)

Answer 2

I do a lot of critique work, and this is not a very good forum for it, but here's some of what I saw:

-In the first paragraph the word "curse" is used too much - you don't need the second "the curse" - it can just be "I was put under the curse that changed my life."

- Try and take out as many uses of "was" as you can - for example, "I became a Phantom of the Night"

- I don't think the whole first paragraph is needed if the story is going to be written in 3rd person ("Lorenza" did blah) instead of 1st person ("I" did blah). You can describe the character (and everything else in the first paragrah) later, and if your narrator is not really a character, don't talk about him or her. It takes attention away from the story.

- The part about the narrator applies to "Okay let's start" and the part with "If you have not realized..." - it jars the reader out of the story.

- "there nightly hunt" should be "their nightly hunt"

- "face that looked like an angle" should be "looked like an angel"

- somewhat is one word, not two

- Break up sentences - Try this: "It was Lark. He was tall with blue black hair and a face that looked like an angel had touched it. His smile was somewhat crooked..." -- Get it?

- Always put words spoken by characters in quotations. Make each character's sentence(s) its own paragraph.

- Why does Calabar "seem" to say "we have a newbie" we glee? Why doesn't he just say it with glee?

- 5'4" is generally considered short for a teenage boy or a man - how old is he? Or rather, how old does he look? We don't necessarily need to know his exact age right now. Is his shorter height important to the plot?

There are a few other spelling and grammatical errors, but they can be fixed during revision.

All in all, the concept is pretty good. It is hard to tell from just this small portion exactly where the story is going and if it will be original, but so far it is enjoyable. It makes me want to know why Lorenza doesn't enjoy her 'life' as a vampire, why she feels bad for the "newbie" and why she doesn't live with more female vampires. Is there more competition between females? Or are there many more male vampires than females, and she just doesn't know many?

I hope this helps - please know that I'm not trying to be mean with the bulleted list at the top, it is just items that I thought could use some attention. Writing is a long and difficult process, and critiques are one of the best tools out there.

Keep going and happy writing!