Question about cheating with "permissions"?

Question

Ok, I’ll give an explanation and then ask. Please read:

I am married, very happy, and thinking of having kids very soon.

My wife has never been with anybody except for me, and some online relations that don’t really count. I told her many times that if she ever wants to try to have sex with anybody else (male or female) she could tell me, and that I would let her do it cause I have been with other girls before her, so I think is fair for her to also try other people, specially before making a final decision and getting married with me.

Some time before we got married (over a year ago), she went out on a trip with some friends (all girls). I didn’t go cause I was working, and since they all were gilrs, then it was better for me not to go anyways.

In that trip, one night they went out clubbing and drinking. She had only a couple of drinks. Never got really drunk, just “happy”. They met some guys that night and some of her friends ended up making out with them. *continue*

And as you can imagine, she also did it. And when I say making out, I mean from kissing, to full naked sex.

She told me everything when she came back, and asked me to forgive her. To be honest, I felt very bad, but on the other hand, I was happy that not only she told me right away, but also that she had an experience with someone else besides me.

We had our confrontation about it, it was more sexual than anything cause they did it risking that others could see them, and I have always wanted to do that too but she always says not cause she is afraid. I didn’t like the fact she went ahead and did it like that. But at the end we made up, and had also sex that night, and it was great. I must say I also got exited with the fact that she went wild, it gives me some hope that she might be wilder than she actually seems to be, which I like. *continue*

I would like to know what people think and what would you have done in my place, and any advise you would like to give about this whole thing. In case you wonder, no, she is not planning on doing it again unless we talk about it prior to it, same as I would ask her if I ever would like to do something with anybody else.

Thanks in advance.

Answer 1

Alcohol and wisdom are seldom found together - but in my experience, people don't really do anything while drunk that they didn't WANT to do anyway. If drinking is going to be a regular part of your lives, you can expect a lot more "oopsies!" on any kinds of agreements the two of you work out. Perhaps you should only drink while together?

I really wouldn't call what happened "cheating with permissions." You worked out your boundaries, so it wasn't cheating at all, other than the little issue that she was supposed to talk to you first (it would be a major one for me, but it's been a while now - if that was going to be a show stopper for you, the time to bring it up was then). It sounds to me as if the episode might be best left in the past, other than being used for whatever use the two of you find it in your sexual lives together. Don't EVER bring it up in arguments, though - you're even. That's it. It's done.

While people have told you to look up "swinging," I think you might also want to check out "polyamory" in a couple of reputable sources that I'll list below. If you and your wife and only interested in maybe having sex with other people in the future, swinging is the right term for it. If you might consider "dating" other people in the future, it's polyamory.


Either way, of course, safer sex practices become much more important when you are not absolutely monogamous.. Not just condom use, but immunizations, regular STD testing and other measures. HIV is NOT the only thing you need to worry about, and condoms won't prevent everything you can catch.

The emotional issues, though, are a FAR greater risk, and much more difficult to prepare for. You can't get immunizations or wear condoms for those, or get regular testing to see if anybody is getting sick. While I firmly believe that polyamorous relationships are every bit as valuable and viable as monoamorous ones, I will also acknowledge that, because we have no societal norms to show us how to "do" polyamory, very few people are really set up with the social and emotional toolbox one needs to navigate those waters. Just the communication skills can be graduate level issues, so to speak!

So, speaking as someone who has been polyamorous for over 20 years, I'd suggest that the two of you give your relationship time to grow solid as a couple before you do any adventuring. Build a good support network, a community of friends and chosen family. If you choose to spice things up with a little swinging, that doesn't seem to have quite the emotional impact *for most people* that polyamory (multiple committed relationships) does. If you do choose to try polyamory, wait a few years until any children you have are past infancy and the two of you have built a rock-solid relationship AND you have an excellent community around you.

Good luck!

Answer 2

My husband and I are very open about our relationship as well. We talk about sleeping with other people all the time. Neither of us have ever done it but we know that as long as the situation is acceptable (ie.-we know the person to be "safe") then all we have to do is clear it before hand and it's cool. I think the trick is to be very open about it. We constantly talk about it and what would be okay and what wouldn't. It can be very liberating just to know that it's an option. Like I said neither of us have ever taken the other up on the offer. It sounds like your girl is a bit inhibited and maybe this past experience will spice things up for the two of you. I think it's awesome that you're so accepting and understanding that she's not very experienced because that curiosity will eventually get the better of her. I hope this helps. Good luck.

Answer 3

I like your take on this situation. That is sort of how I feel as well (and my wife also, from conversations we have had) although we would want the line drawn at intercourse...anything goes except intercourse.

But I do think it was wrong of her to have sex, because although you had said you wouldn't mind if she did, you'd need to talk about it first. I in no way consider it cheating if she came to you, asked you if she could have sex with someone else, you said okay, and she did it. Not cheating. But by doing it without your permission, yes it is cheating. It was a mistake, and it sounds like she is remorseful so my advice would be to forgive her and carry on with your lives and sexual practices. Hopefully you will be able to have more of this sex in the future, after discussing it between the two of you of course!

Answer 4

Wow, I really dont know what to say. I guess you two should just really talk it over and make sure you both agree on what ever it is that you want to agree on and stick to it. Just be fully aware of the consequences of sleeping around. Please be careful first of all. And second as long as both parties agree, then do what you please. If you are the most observant of the two of you, then just make sure that if things get really odd or out of wack, then real in and reasses the situation.
I do think for the sake of the children that you don't do this, only because later on if things don't work out, the kids are the ones who will be in the middle and suffer because of your mistakes.

Answer 5

What is going round comes round, I say. besides, "dishonest" is once you cheat on the better half to whom you've a committment with. The "different lady" or "different guy" is basically quite relaxing on the edge, except the cheater leaves their modern-day spouse/husband/better half and committs to an unique relationship with their lover. Then its a case of pass your hands and need for the most perfect, reason you already know your better half is a cheater. Like I reported, what is going round comes round. also, if the cheater has no longer left/divorced their better half, then that shows that the better half continues to be the established relationship, for in spite of reason, they're nevertheless mutually, in spite of what the cheater tells the sweetheart. the sweetheart has NO top to make demands. the sweetheart, for sure, is free to achieve some morals and flow on might want to they no longer like the problem.

Answer 6

What kind of marriage is this?
The two of you dont need to be married. Apparently the vows meant nothing if you consider cheating on each other. Just because you each give permission dont make it right nor does it justify it.
If neither of you have stopped dating, then why dont you just divorce and date other people.
Permissions or not, you both are playing with fire if you go outside the marriage for sex.
It isnt right and it will back fire eventually.
It did to a friend of mine and he nearly got divorced. Its never a good idea.
I wish you all the luck.

Answer 7

Hey, if it works for u, good for u. personally i couldn't stand the thought of my woman gettin banged by another guy while we are together. it would make her a whore in my eyes and she would repulse me from the time i found out until i no longer cared about her. if u and your lady have the type of relationship where this type of jealousy doesn't exist and it works for u, that is indeed rare. i know i could never truly get serious with a chick who has ever confessed or shown the capacity to be sexual with more than one person at a time. i would consider such a woman to not be relationship material.

Answer 8

There's nothing to say as you and her from what you say
will do it again just so one tells the othe ahead of time.
Again this just shows how marriage is not what it used to
be as some people do it just for the act and later their
actions speak for themself. The only thing I can say is
when one gets divorced because of their actions then
they don't have anyone to blame but themselves, and if
they like what their doing then who am I to say anything.
I'm very fortunate that my wife makes me 100percent plus
happy that I do not need anyone else in my life and
neither does she.

Answer 9

You told her you wanted her to feel OK about having other sexual experiences, so you should hold no bad feelings about this. You should encourage her to experiment and spice up YOUR the two of you, Your sex lives together.

Answer 10

Call me old fashioned, but I believe married means MARRIED, cleaving to one person. It is cheating, plain and simple. But you told her she could do it, so in my mind, you might have opened a "Pandora's Box" here. Who's to say she won't like it a LOT and keep doing it? Also, what about STD's? Um, and if you're committed to each other, where's the committment?