help writing a story? this is the intro...?

Question

This is a short story for my english class
just want an opinion: does this paint a clear enough picture for you? any comments/suggestions?
thanks.

The town of Amorgos, Greece, lay festering in the summer’s heat. The red barns of the countryside glistened, as it seemed, with sweat and the gleeful sun shone down on the hills rolling to the coast. The water in the harbor lay still, conserving its energy, yet glinting forcefully back at the sun. There was no breeze in sight. The sailboats moored in the harbor waited patiently, their yellow sails reflected in the bright blue water. The residents of the town were as peaceful as their settings. Two of them, in fact, an old couple, waited as patiently as the sailboats outside their doorway. The woman looked to be about sixty-five or even seventy, her face wrinkled with age. There was a look of waiting and sadness on her face. The old man was slightly taller than her, with a bit of a potbelly. His expression was a mirror of hers.

Answer 1

It's descriptive!! There are also grammatical errors in it:

1) remove the comma after "Greece"
2) replace "her" with "she" in "slightly taller than her"

I'd also replace "There was no breeze in sight" with something else since my first reaction was that one could not see a breeze. Silly, I know... but it was what I thought of first. :)

I'd also remove the "in fact" when you mention the old couple. I'd also think about not using so many commas -- perhaps the style you want is just that but makes the sentences long and cumbersome to me.

Good luck

Answer 2

I really did like it and thought that it had merit but can I point out that these days most 65 year olds are not "wrinkled with age".

Answer 3

Take out most of those run-on sentences. Not everything has to be so long-winded. Cut it up a little. Other than that, it sounds pretty good.

Answer 4

it sounds more like a poem. its good but you don't have to make the intro so long. you don't want to bore your reader in the beginning of your story

Answer 5

Very good! I really like it and definately want to know what's happening. why are the couple so sad?????

Answer 6

I like it - whats the rest who are they waiting for?

Answer 7

It definitely does.