The night was cloudy and mysterious, and cloaked the innocent faces of loners on the street. A girl no younger than twelve or thirteen stood huddled in a blanket, her long, sharp fangs curling over her bottom lip. Her long, black hair formed a veil over her ghostly silhouette. She clutched the silver pendant that hung on her neck, tangled in her hair, and held it up to the moon, begging...praying...for something--or someone--to fall into her trap. To meet both their end, and their beggining...
2007-02-07 09:06:19 · 15 answers · asked by Pieces Of Rainbowzz 4 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
Against Yahoo TOS. Anyway, no it's not very good. You say "The night was cloudy and mysterious." Being "mysterious" tells us nothing because that could be interpreted in various ways. It's like saying "It was a nice day." Doesn't really tell us anything more than that. Why is the night so "mysterious?" You need to elaborate. And frankly, the night can be foggy, but not necessarily cloudy. In the dark, it's hard to ascertain clouds. In addition, how do you ascertain that the loners on the street have "innocent" faces? What makes their faces innocent? And how do you know that they are "loners?" A loner is a person who does not necessarily enjoy the company of others, but just because they are alone on the street does not automatically make them a loner. You also say that she has "sharp fangs curling over bottom lip." If she has vampire fangs those would be her upper teeth and they would hardly be so long as to curl over her bottom lip. That's gross even for a Vampire! And the silver pendant that hangs on her neck cannot really be tangled in her hair, as this description presents an odd image in the mind. If it's around her neck then it can hardly be tangled in her hair. This needs a ton of work. And I mean a ton!
2007-02-07 09:22:51 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
be different. Why do ghost/vampire/ghouls/werewolf/horror stories always have to start with a dark and cloudy or foggy night? What about a gorgeous summer evening, smells of honeysuckle and roses in the air, a glorious moon, the soft trill of a nightingale...then put in your vampire girl, cos the contrast of her being who she is will be made all the more chilling and threatening! That amongst all the beauty there was another, sinister presence...
2007-02-07 09:22:44 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
do away with the intro and artwork it into the tale. that is a serious concepts unload. also it has an omnipotent narrator POV, and if something else of the tale is finished in this form, there is actual not any suspense. you have not any reason behind any of those communities to bare themselves to people so your total tale will grow to be style of random. even regardless of the reality that you've 3 separate races, all of them look to act like people except for what ever powers you're probable going to provide them. Why do not you hit upon diverse cultures for each of them?
2016-12-03 20:57:00 · answer #3 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It would be beginning not "beggining". I wouldnt change anything except I would take out the fang description and save it for the end of the introduction or later.
2007-02-08 02:11:01 · answer #4 · answered by bribri75 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Everything seems pretty good. I don't understand why she would be in a blanket though. Another good idea would have a sweet and amiable looking girl in the same setting, it would also make it seem strange and upsetting. Especially when she would strike.
2007-02-07 09:11:16 · answer #5 · answered by Casey 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Good!! I like it, and the descriptioin of the girl is very easy to visualize. The first sentence needs a little work, though.
You're a good writer!
2007-02-07 09:09:33 · answer #6 · answered by you turn my world uʍop ǝpısdn ♥ 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
twelve or thirteen stood
breaks the image forming in the readers mind...find a better way to describe her age
The rest is fantastic!
2007-02-07 09:11:33 · answer #7 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
To answer your question, yes. But if you don't put it at the beginning then it would fit in well somewhere else in your story.
2007-02-07 09:10:10 · answer #8 · answered by Bear 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yeah it's pretty good I think you should be specific about her age, it sorta sets the scene for the reader. But otherwise I like it.
2007-02-07 09:09:41 · answer #9 · answered by cor97 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
OMG.... are we at yahoo gonna be able to read you're story the intro is really incredible ... it makes your imagination fly!!
good work
2007-02-07 09:11:01 · answer #10 · answered by sorayaengland 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋