Should we "adopt" me fiance's little brother?

Question

I just want some outside opinion on the situation. My fiance's mother has had several bad marriages, and her current one is failing. She has 5 children, my fiance being the oldest. One of her sons is 13, while the others are 3, 1, and newborn. So, her current husband is an abuser both verbally and physically. She is currently separated from him, but that happens all the time. She moved to Michigan for him, but has now come back to Georgia for this separation. (that's where we're all from,) She (fiance's mom) has suggested that perhaps we take the 13 yr. old to live with us for a while. We have one car, I'm in college (on a working scholarship, so no off-campus job), fiance has a job that only pays $8/hr. and we live in a one room apartment. we could move, but we just moved in. AND he has Defiant Disorder (slang) and ADHD. She says she'll help us out on money, but that won't happen. But it would get him out of an abusive home and keep him with family. What do you think?

Answer 1

I think it would be nice for you to do it but I also think that you and your fiance are going to be married soon and you are going to need privacy. You don't need someone with his problems coming in and creating tension for you and your fiance. It's hard enough nowadays to make a relationship work. I would gracefully decline.

Answer 2

WOW! Considering all the issues you have listed this poor kid needs a chance. Having said that, you must realize that parenting a teenager without the disorders is tough enough. You get the difficulties of the disorders on top of that. You haven't stated your age and the age of your fiance' but I get the feeling you are still young. This would be a huge test of your relationship. Since you are not really legally a part of the family (yet) your commitment to this is a moot point until you are. His brother (your fiance') needs to weigh this decision carefully, knowing that taking on the parenting of a sibling is a big responsibility. But I do think giving the kid a chance is the right thing to do. You and your fiance' may want to look into some parenting classes and counseling before you bring him into your home and before you become his wife. This will be a huge change in your lives, all of you. There will need to be a lot of compromise. If you are a patient, caring person (and I suspect you are since you've even considered taking this child into your home) you will be able to work through this. In the end you will realize what a great thing you've done in giving this child a chance to grow in a loving environment. Keep the lines of communication open at all times between all of you. Work together and make yourselves a team. Find people who can mentor you through this (support groups for parents and kids with ADHD, etc.). Kudos to you for wanting to give this kid a real life. If only more people were like you...

Answer 3

Adopt ? Wouldn't the father have something to say about it?
You have explained all the reasons your mother-in-law to be needs a break but what about you and your not yet husband ?
A 13 year old would be hard enough but DDD and ADHD added to it would be hard for any one .If you can move back home for a few months and let your Fiance's live with and handle his brother for now .Then if you are willing after you graduate to tackle this situation , When you are married go for it .At that point he will understand how hard it is to have his brother there.And appreciate you more .

Answer 4

Wow that’s a big one, first you both should talk with the younger brother and ask him what he wants to do, make he feel he as a say in this, and set down the ground rules if he dose come and lives with the two of you, like he has help keep the house clean to taking out the trash washing the dishes on his night, keep up with his school work the list goes on and on it’s up to the two of you.
It's going to be hard on the two of you but you would doing a great thing for the young one, and in time you both would hope he see it, (it may take sometime so don't look for him to see it right away 5 10 15 year from now but he will) Will I hope this helped you a little.

Good luck and God bless you both

Answer 5

If you think you have it in your heart to help this boy out, then you can make the sacrifices needed. Just be sure that your fiance is as committed as you are to helping out. I think the greatest thing here is that you are under no illusions as to how difficult it would be both emotionally and financially. You should discuss with your fiance, that you would be willing to help with the emotional and hands on stuff, if he would be willing to perhaps find a part-time job to help ease the financial burden. Also, talk to the brother and see how he feels. Is this something he wants to do? If not, he could make it a WHOLE lot harder. Ask him if he would be willing to take on a bunch of responsibilites, such as helping w/chores and possibly getting his own part-time job when he gets a bit older. If you don't think it's going to work out, then don't beat yourself up. Your heart is in the right place, but there are realities and logisitics to be dealt with.

Answer 6

If your fiance wants to care for his brother, he should, but he should move out on his own with his brother and put the marriage on hold and deal with it. It would not be a good idea to marry him under these circumstances, or live with him.
But in any event, your fiance can't afford to raise a 13 year old kid on $8 an hour. In fact, neither one of you can afford the time or money.

Answer 7

Been there & wrote the e book!!! Valueable suggestion to you---- ideas your human being corporation. something you assert will positioned a wall up between you and your brother. She's on proper of issues now. He does not decide on your enter, no count number what's faulty or proper. Your position is purely to be there if he needs you, and he probable will. you'd be much better approachable if he thinks that you gained't say, "I advised you so!"

Answer 8

That's a really hard question...
1.) It's going to put a lot of strain on your relationship with your fiance if he moves in.
2.) Financial wise can you afford it?
3.) It would be a very generous thing to do.
4.) If her mother asked you to take one and you do is she going to ask you to take the others?
Just a few questions you probably already thought of that you should really consider before making a big decision.
GOOD LUCK!

Answer 9

I think you should explore alternatives. While it's admirable that you want to help, you don't seem to be very well set up for it.

Is there an alternative? Perhaps a friend of the family can take him on a temporary or foster care basis. This might be a better solution. Particularly if you and your fiancee can spend time with him on a regular basis.

Answer 10

I fell for the 13 year old in this situation, but what about the other three. You are not worried about them?? I would call child protective services myself, they are not always great but you know they are in a bad situation now. Why would you only take in one?? It sounds like the mother is just not up to caring for her son because he is getting past the young and innocent stage. Get them all out of the house Now!!!