My spouse and I have been together for 15 years, married for 7. He has been the type in the past to run the bars, stay out late with friends, be disrespectful, immature, you name it. The past 8 months he has really changed his tune. Started telling me how much he loves me, how sorry he is for everything he's done in the past and is much more involved as a father than he ever has been. The problem is, I am no longer physically attracted to him, nor am I happy with him and I feel like I should be. I just feel like it's 'too late.' I need some advice. I've been feeling this way for way too long. Do I suck it up because of my children and try to make it work even though I'm not happy or do I move on and try to stay friends with him for the kids?
2007-02-07 08:22:18 · 39 answers · asked by Little Mama 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I believe you have waited long enough, don't you think? Its been 15 years and my guess is that now after he is done partying and having fun he is finally ready to settle down. But, where does that leave you? Yes, kids are important. But so is your happines. If they don't see you happy they won't be happy. I recently went through a separation with a somewhat similar situation. I now live on my own with my kids and while its been hard, I know , " letting it go" was the best thing to do.
Just my opinion, good luck.
2007-02-07 08:38:03 · answer #1 · answered by RR77 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your husband's past track record is not something easily forgotten & your feelings towards him are understandable. You're in the middle of a rock & a hard place & it sounds as though you've given up on him & your marriage. I can't fault you for that but I'm wondering if you still love him. Ask yourself that question & if you do, then I think it's worth trying to work it all out. Maybe counseling will help for both of you. If you can honestly say that you don't love him anymore, then there's not much left to say. To stay in a loveless marriage is not fair for you or your children or your husband. If you choose to get a divorce, please take time to think it over & make sure this is the best route to take. If you have one shred of doubt about going through with a divorce, then wait, & get some counseling. It does help to get an unbiased opinion. If divorce is in the future for you, hopefully it can be done as amicably as possible for the sake of the children. Being able to remain friends with your husband would be great, especially where the children are concerned. Be sure to have a heart to heart talk with your children if you decide to get a divorce, because often times, children will blame themselves when their parents split up.
I wish you all the best!!!
2007-02-07 08:37:14 · answer #2 · answered by Shortstuff13 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds as if you found the "bad boy" in him more challenging than the way he is now. It's a blessing to have a man who is a good husband and father. You have a lot of years invested in this relationship. I would go and get counseling and try to figure out the reason you are no longer happy. It may not have anything to do with him, it may have to do with you and life's changes. The grass isn't always greener on the other side. You don't mention if you love him or not, just that you're not physically attracted to him anymore, and not happy with him. I would first discuss this with him, maybe he can help...it sounds as if he's been through it before. Sometimes running to him, instead of from him, is better for everyone in involved. I would seek counseling for yourself though, women go through many different changes at different times in their lives, and he and your kids sound worth the effort at least. You are certainly worth the effort.
2007-02-07 08:32:46 · answer #3 · answered by sassy_395 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is a no brain-er. Anyone who tells you life is to short to be unhappy...bla...bla...bla...doesn't have a clue that they are unhappy now, and always will be. EVERY marriage, and I don't care if you are the Cleavers, goes through tough times that cause us to question our happiness. Tough it out. It will all work out for the best for you and everyone else that would be affected buy a breakup. Life is to short to keep looking on the other side of the fence. The grass is always greener where you put your water. Have faith, show and teach grace and forgiveness, but most of all....be patient. Years from now you'll wonder how you could even consider leaving. Unhappiness comes from maximizing the bad in a person, and discounting the good. Try reversing that attitude and you will discover what is truly important. Pick your battles wisely, give and take is the rule. Love is not an emotion, it is a decision.
2007-02-07 08:41:01 · answer #4 · answered by The Central Scrutinizer 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
In terms of your children, try to keep this is mind:
The only thing worse than coming from a broken home, is living in one. Not being attracted or even being in love with your spouse does not make you a bad person. As it stands, your children are loved by both parents, however, do not have the opportunity to observe a loving adult relationship to model their own future lives on. If you stay together, your children will learn that a loveless marriage is not only okay, but to be expected. If you leave, and both you and your husband find new life and love partners, at the very least your children will still be loved by both parents, and maybe even be exposed to what a loving relationship actually looks like. Ultimately the choice is your's, and your children will love you, so long as you continue to love them, regardless.
2007-02-07 08:30:16 · answer #5 · answered by shessogoddamncold 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I suggest going to a marriage counseler and see what has happened. Remember that you were attracted to him before for his personality and something brought you two together. Give it a shot and see where it takes you.
One thing you may try and do and see what brought about this change.
That being said I am no fan of people staying in an unhappy relationship. I believe it is worth working things out but after about six months to a year if nothing is clicking for you I would begin looking into an amicable split that above all benefits the children.
Good luck!
2007-02-07 08:30:04 · answer #6 · answered by lordsomos 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have not been physically attracted to my husband for years, its just gone somehow, although he has always been a good husband and father .
I stay with him for for the kids because i can not bear the pain i would cause for them if i left him.
Its hard to advice but i would try to put the past behind and make it work .May be change your usual routine and go on exotoc holiday or cruise - something totally different to what you usually do . Give yourself a time and if you feel you can not cope then move on but stay friends so you dont hurt the children .
2007-02-07 08:34:33 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You know the answer to this question you answered it in your last sentence! Kids can detect unhappiness so there is no need to put on a front if you are not happy! People make mistakes, and people grow apart! The damage is done... One can forgive but not necessarily forget! This is going to be one of the toughest decisions in your life... No one can tell you what to do except for you! Im not sure how old your kids are but I do know that they want you to be happy! It takes two to make a successful and fulfilling relationship! If you aren't into the relationship its soley being held by one person (hence defeats the title "relationship") have you discussed this with your husband? Sounds like you have held back and need room to breathe! Keep a respectful relationship with him for the kids (do not fight or point fingers at eachother in front of your kids... it is emotional confusing and scarring)! You only live once hun, do what you got to do! 15 years is a long time and some people will always be set in their ways, in saying that you shouldnt have to accept behavior that you do not agree with! Sadly some don't know what they got till its gone! Best of Luck to you. Stay strong in whatever you choose!
2007-02-07 08:29:02 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
My first question to you is...have you been to couples counselling? It might help the way you are feeling, because it sounds like there is more that is going on than you realise.
If you are unhappy with him...leave and stay friends with him for the kids. As much as society used to tell us that we should stay together for the kids, and as much as I hate seeing families split, sometimes it's the only way to really be happy.
You are an adult. Your husband is an adult. He made mistakes, just like I'm sure you did. But do you really think children are enough to keep you sane and happy with your husband? It sounds like you need to think about all of this before you make a major decision that affects everyone's lives.
Just follow your heart and your gut. Things will be fine.
-E
2007-02-07 08:33:17 · answer #9 · answered by ♠Gotham♠ 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Marriage is work. Sounds like your husband has finally came around. You need to stick it out, think back to what attracted you to him, how you felt when you first met. He is still the same man sure maybe the package may have changed a little/a lot but he is still the same man. Sure he made mistakes but, now he is trying to correct them and be what you have been needing. You have much more than a lot of women have (the love of a good man)and your children have a father that cares about them.
2007-02-07 08:33:02 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋