Is the first year of marriage always the hardest? And when does it get better?

Question

I have been married almost a year now (Feb.11) and even from the start it’s been hard since I had a little girl coming into our relationship. We got engaged in August and starting planning a February wedding and well two weeks before the big day we found out we were expecting a baby. Our first year of marriage has been nothing close to romantic or happy go lucky hot and steamy nights…. Nothing even close to it. It has just been so hard. We haven’t had any time for each other; let alone ourselves. I love my husband so much but lately I feel like we don’t ever talk and when we do it because I am complaining about something he did wrong. When all he is trying to do is help me out. He is so tired of me and I can’t really blame him. I don’t want to lose my husband and just don’t know what to do anymore. Can you offer some advice and maybe some good pointers for our one year anniversary which is this Sunday night?

Answer 1

Yes. The first year is the hardest.
You now share finances.
You can't be "alone".
It feels like you have "lost your freedom".

It's hard. But hang in there. Make time for each other. Be honest. Talk through your problems, no matter how hard it is.

It will pay off!!! I promise!!!

Answer 2

I am so sorry. It sounds like you two are just really being dragged down by the sudden pressures of parenthood. You missed out on what should have been the honeymoon phase (and even a pleasureable honeymoon, probably) because you were dealing with this surprise. It is always hard after you have a baby, as I'm sure you know since you already had one. But you've already gotten through the toughest part; don't give up now.

I suggest you just have a really open, candid conversation with him. Maybe even write him a love letter detailing your feelings. Take advantage of your anniversary to talk about how things have gone during the first year and what you each want to change in the coming year.

Also, if you can afford it, take some time away together, even if it's just a weekend at a local hotel. Plan a trip and start saving for it. Promise yourselves the honeymoon that you may have missed out on.

Answer 3

My suggestion is to arrange to have a babysitter for Friday or Saturday nights. If you cannot do so once a week find a way to do it once every two weeks or once a month at the least.

While baby is being sat you two go out and have a good time. Do the things you did together before marriage and the baby. This should include phone calls to each other to set up the "date", flowers, an evening out that is fun for both of you and at least a couple hours of quiet time before the baby needs to be picked up. this works great if the grandparents can take the baby for the night or the babysitter in general if the grandparents are not available.

The problem is stress. you are stressed out and so is he. This will put a strain on any relationship regardless of the year of marriage.

Something you guys can do during the month is give each other a day/night off. Take a day or night in which the other doesn't need to help out with anything. No cooking no cleaning just relaxation. The person with the off day can go out, hang out with friends or stay home and nap and the "working stiff" can take the baby out. these days should be agreed upon and the plans for the day off should be given to the "working stiff" so that they know what is expected.

Another way to bring back the romance is flowers, cards, candies, day spas, massages and the such for you. For him, a night out with the guys, massages, sex (preferrably something you know he will like), his favorite meal, some time to just veg.

A pointer for lossening up the tension is understanding how couple differ in reliefing stress. He needs time to unplug (usually about an hour or so) when he first gets home. You need to talk about your day and vent. Both of you should understand this and be compassionate about the other's needs. Give him his unplug time and then he should listen to you as you vent/talk about your day. This only works if both of you try hard to respect this.

Finally, you mention that you complain alot even though all he is trying to do is help. If he is doing something to help, thank him. If he is doing it wrong, suggest (notice the word suggest) how you would like it done. Sometimes it is not what you say but how you say it or your body language that can be the problem.

Good Luck!

Answer 4

How terrible the answers some people put down! Of course you are stressed, 2 kids, a new marriage and getting used to a new family setting. Are there any family members in your area? Can they help you out with taking the kids one night? Your complaining is from your frustration, feeling that you're not able to do everything. Tell him how much you love him and that you want to change yourself and your marriage together. Check out your local Luthern Social Services or another organization like that - they have great counslers and either free or greatly reduced rates for people. Let him know that this isn't to change him, but to help you and create a more secure life together. Most importantly, don't give up on your marriage. The first 7 years for me were hard. Now, after 12, it's way better. We grew uptogether and grew closer. Good Luck!

Answer 5

I think, the first year should be the easiest! My husband and I lived together for about a year before getting married, and we did have some arguments as we were "testing" each other's boundaries and "dividing the territory" - but it wasn't terribly "hard". By the time we actually got married, we had most things figured out. We hardly ever argue or fight, and we enjoy every minute we get to spend together. I think, bringing a baby into the picture right away was hard on your relationship; I really don't know what the dynamics of my own marriage would be like had we had a child right away. Although, if you ask my parents, they both say that their happiest time was the first few years of their marriage, when both of their kids were born. So, I think it really depends on the relationship. My own feeling is that it shouldn't be "hard"; when it's "hard" from the very beginning, I don't know if it'll ever get better; but perhaps others have had a different experience. I don't really know what to recommend other than to try and reconnect to your husband - bite your tongue when you feel you're going to "nag"; say more nice things to him; think about things that he does in your marriage that make you appreciate him. Good luck.

Answer 6

I can totally relate to you. My husband and I had just told everyone that we were engaged when we found out that I was pregnant. We planned the wedding for a month after the baby was due, and it has been very hard. We had no honeymoon, no sexy wedding night either because my son did not sleep through the night yet, so we couldn't get a babysitter. We have had our ups and downs; there have been times that I have thought about strangling him to death because I have been so angry. But I love him. And I try to understand what he is going through. Having to support a family, having no privacy or alone time with me. I suggest not complaining at him, if you can help it. I mean, sure, if you just steam cleaned the carpet and he walks over it with muddy work shoes, well, you may be mad, but try not to go crazy. But maybe try doing something really nice for him. For example, if he comes home and is sore and tired, give him a back massage. And when you're done, give him a kiss and tell him you love him. My husband and I kiss hello and good-bye and tell each other we love each other every day. It's a little thing that makes a big difference. And when you do get mad, just try to take a deep breath and relax. A lot of the things you fight about are probably not very important anyways. And I'm sure he is not tired of you, he's is probably just tired of all the stress that having a family creates. Try having a date night, they really make a difference. And don't cook at home that night. Having to do dishes is not very romantic. And try letting him have his own time sometimes. A night out with the boys, so to say. Same with you. Go shopping by yourself one day, or just soak in the bathtub. And for the anniversary- Sybaris is nice (so I hear), also the Radisson has some nice suites with hot tubs, or just get a babysitter for the night and stay at home. But order take-out. I hope I was helpful to you. Just remember what you loved about each other that made you get married.

Answer 7

Yes, the first year is the hardest.
Secondly, you have a baby and that leaves NO time for romance at all.
You are frustrated because you envisioned steamy nights and instead you got droopy diapers.
You are upset because you are having a hard time adjusting to your new life as the mother of an infants and a newlywed... two of the most stresful situations all at once. You body and you psyche had changed, but yoru husband hasn't, he is still the same man and you are beoming a nagging monster.
You need to inmediatly stop "fixing" everything and concentrate on you man. You are not perfect, no one is, and as long as you keep on building this expectation, no one would be happy. You are making yoruself miserable and your poor husband miserable. STOP, take a break and enjoy your marraige.

For your firts anniversary I strongly recommend a childless date with your husband. Yes, is ok to leave the baby behind and you will no be a bad mother if you do so. Remember that you are still a woman and your husband a man and you DO need steamy nights. Some intimacy in a private setting will do the trick. Yes, is ok to wear lingerie after having a baby too.

Good luck

Answer 8

I've been married for a month shy of two years. These two years have been the most difficult of my life, I have to admit, and there have been times I've wondered WHY was I allowed to do this? Then, there are those times when my question is answered a hundred times over! We counselled with our minister before we married; and he said he has never known a marriage (and he's performed a lot of them) that didn't start out without arguments, regrets, and fears. BUT, he confirmed that once we both get our minds off ourselves and our needs - it takes effort from both - then your marriage grows and becomes the REAL honeymoon stage. For some, it takes a few years; for others, it takes several months; and still, for others, it may take most of their lifetime. Don't give up; I haven't! For you anniversary, turn off the phone and t.v., curl up on the couch together (either at home or wherever you go), look at your wedding and/or honeymoon pictures (or you first year of marriage) and talk about what you love about each other and focus on what you've learned so far. It helps us.

Answer 9

Ignore these negative people, first yr of marriage is not the best, i would suggest first of all you get the book " what noone tells the bride" also remember that it is a lot harder when you are starting out a marriage and there are already kids involved, marriage is hard enough without them, when you have them it is harder. Marriage takes work, constant work..you don't just one day have a perfect marriage, Maybe for the anniversary you need to find a babysitter and the two of you go out together and act like teenagers! Just enjoy each other, i don't know your money situation but if you are strapped for cash then just make a picnic go out to the beach or a park and enjoy each other, talk about the good times and try to make a goal to once a month have a date together! Try to hold off on complaining! Sometimes we have to pick our battles, learn that you don't need to complain over everything, make yourself happy it will make him happy. if you need to complain about something you need to have a 30 min. meeting together , okay here are my complaints or maybe you just need to vent, after that 30 min. move on to postive convos, even if you don't get to talk a lot, try to make the talk postive, cook his favorite meals, smile, tell him you love him everyday, put the kids to bed at a decent time so you can have some time together, remember that you do love each other and even though times are tough you will make it, People try to make the first yr. of marriage some " honeymoon" phase, well it is not always like that, some people have real life and real problems and the more you learn to love each other for who you are and not what you do or don't do the better things will become in the relationship. Me and my husband have problems sometimes and i want to freak out, but i just take a deep breath, hang out with friends and keep smiling because life does not have to be as hard as we make it.

Answer 10

Get a family member to watch the little one at their home for the weekend, and the two of you spend the weekend with each other at home in bed rekindeling the love and lust you shared before the baby. Every now and then you'll have to make the time for just the two of you or the marriage will fall apart
A marriage doesn't get any easier over the years, it is always work and compromises, you just get comfortable with what works and what doesn't. The kids get bigger and so do the problems associated with them and family life.
I was married for 25yrs.(widowed now) and I've found another man who loves and cares for me like my husband, once again it's about compromising.... not your way or his way, but something in the middle that keeps both of you happy.
Congratulations on your 1st anniversary and good luck!

Answer 11

first of all every 1 has a different experiance &u should know that real mariage isnot a fairytail first year can be hard coz in marriage there are 2 separit lives struggling 2 become 1 dont 4get that there is a baby i guess niether both of u were ready emotionally &physically for the stress but now u have 2 change th way u look 4 things &try 2 see that u &ur husband were able 2 become 1 unit &stick 2gether dispite the dificulties everything will be just fine just be wize