Marriage and Money!?

Question

I've been married about a year, we dont have kids yet, I will be 30 soon. My partner isn't very good with money, he is very childish when it comes to simple things like paying bills on time. He has many hobbies which can be expensive and when something comes up, its all about instant gratification. I see older women who are in my situation and they look so tired, women who are always the ones comprimising because the husband wont (I'm sure that there are men going through the same thing)...

I am asking, should our goals and dreams be the same? So many people divorce because of money...would it be wise to think about leaving if I don't think that he will change? We do love each other, but I am really practicle, while he isn't.

I realize no one can tell me what to do, but if you have been in a situation like mine?!...

Thank you so much, I knew some of you would understand.

Answer 1

I was. I took control of all the finances.

Let me ask you - isn't this something that should have been addressed before you married?

Answer 2

Of course your dreams and goals (financial and otherwise) should be the same! It might help to sit down and each of you make a list of your top five goals. They may include buying a house, taking a vacation, retiring at a certain age, etc. Then come up with a plan together to reach those goals (that way he doesn't feel like you are ordering him around or trying to control all the money). You can suggest: "why don't we set aside $200 each month and that way when we are ready to go on that vacation next year, we can afford it." Or "OK, if we want to retire with money in the bank, we should each open a retirement account and contribute 10% of our salaries." If he's not willing to do these things and especially if he's not even willing to have the conversations, GET OUT while you're still young and there are no kids involved! You'll just get more miserable and frustrated the longer it goes on. You can't put your future at risk because of an immature man!

Answer 3

Your dreams and goals are definitely not going to be the same because even though you are married your still 2 different people.
You still have your own opinions whether or not their the same,
you still have your own beliefs. As far as money is concerned, the two of you have to sit down and come to an agreement of whether or not your going to put your monies together or not, who is best handling the finances as far as taking care of the bills and taking care of home before any extra monies is spent on unnecessary purchases. Once that is established, then any extra money can be divided or handled the way you all see fit. Before you decide to divorce your husband , be sure that the problem can't be resolved. Present the problem to him, let him know how you feel, if he just blatantly tells you that he is not going to change, then its up to you to decide whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who's not willing to change for you. By the same token you have to be willing to change also. If he does try to change, remember, it doesn't happen over night and don't nag.

Answer 4

I have a husband who does not manage money well either. We struggle a lot... It use to bother me really, really bad, but oneday I just told myself that I love him and I cherish so many other things about being with him that I have to accept some things. Don't get me wrong, I realize it takes money to live and it can be very stressful living from one late bill to the next... I have decided to go back to school and I am working on a degree to be a RN, I am making a proactive decision to change the situation. I would suggest you do the same, look out for your own financial future and merge the parts together that work.

Best of luck to you!

Answer 5

I am living with your husband! JK, but maybe they are brothers??

I have been with my husband for 19 years, and I am EXHAUSTED!!!! If you are counting on him to change, you are making a BIG mistake!!! The chances are greater that he won't, and you trying to make him will wear you out!!!

I have 4 children, so I know that the responsibility of children doesn't make them see it. My husband is just selfish!! There is no other explanation for it! He lives for the moment and doesn't even consider the long-term damage he is doing to his family, financially. I blame myself too!! I ALWAYS pick up the pieces. We have seperate accounts now, because I was tired of not knowing where the money was going, and he wouldn't let me handle the bills. So.......we agreed that I would pay the mortgage, take care of groceries, and pay for the things the children need. He was to pay everything else - hahaha!! Didn't work! I have begged him to give me control of the bank account so the bills get paid, he refuses to give me his check. It doesn't get better, and I feel like I have tried EVERYTHING!!

I don't believe in divorce - but sometimes I feel like that is the only way I can protect my children and myself from financial ruin.

I would suggest that you ask your husband to let you pay the bills. Give him a fair amount of spending $ each week, and you take care of everything else. If he refuses, you may have to consider leaving. Only you can make that call!!

Good luck!!

Answer 6

Lay down the law and you are the law baby. So just take the money out that has to come out to pay the bills and buy food, or just give him so much a week that he can spend. Tell him this, that we can't afford to not pay the bills and go hundreds of dollars into debt, Just say I don't want to be the one out on the streets wondering where my next meal is coming from because your not smart enough to pay our bills. Your expressing your concerns and trying to exercise a little control on his part. He married you and does have a responsibility to look after you, that's it period.

Answer 7

I understand your pain! i have only been married 3 1/2 months and i am already going through this stuff, my husband does not communicate with me on the money, right now we still have our own bank accounts, what i am planning to do though is for both of us to keep our own accounts, but set up a account with both of us on it, and this account will be just for bills, he will give me the money i need for the month to pay bills, this way he can have his own account that he can use that money for his stupid stuff he likes to put on his truck :-) and i will still have my own account, but the account that pays the bills will be separate, i have no idea if this is going to work, but right now the way my husband is i can't figure out a better way because i know if we got rid of our own accounts and only had one account we would end up bouncing checks like crazy ! I know he does not communicate enough with me on money. All i can say is i would not divorce someone over this, explain to him how you feel and tell him he needs to have a seprate account for his "fun stuff" deal with it now before you have children !!

Answer 8

Oh my goodness, you must have seen me somewhere. You are describing me and my husband of 15 years. You are very smart to pick up on this, I wish I had. I think you know what you should do but I feel bad for telling someone to divorce. Marriage is very hard work. It's hard not look at someone you love and truly see them the way you should when you have resentment towards them. We also have two children now and that plays a big role in why I stay with him and why I put up with the things that I do.

Answer 9

There is a phrase, "the only difference between men and kids are the cost of their toys".

It's inevitable, but, there is a solution: you have to get full control of the finances. Make it a long-term goal, so he can periodically have access to less money to waste. Like with most habits, it must be gradually modified.

I'm totally the opposite. I don't have a steady job, and unmarried, so I have to avoid spending money just to survive. Home cooking (lots of ramen), no movies, no cable TV, no videogames, no Christmas gifts, etc. :(

Answer 10

Take control of the finances. You pay the bills. Keep him informed of the status of your accounts (things like "we have x dollars until someone's next paycheck"). If he still can't control himself then you should divide any money not required for household needs into 3 pots: long-term savings, his play money, and your play money.

Many people have been in this situation. Sometimes one person just can't do the budgeting right.

Answer 11

Yes, you should have the same goals and dreams. Didn't you discuss that before you got married? Have they changed over time? If they are not the same anymore, you will not be happy in life if you stay together.

I'm getting divorced because I no longer want to have kids and she does...this is a major goal in life that we differ over. It's not something you can compromise on.

Get a divorce and be happy...