I had an affair w/ 1 of our mutual friends- they're a coulpe we hang out with. We both felt neglected and it only happened once. Should I tell my husband. It's been about 4 months since it's happened and he doesn't know.
2007-02-07 06:48:26 · 49 answers · asked by hlppls 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Some things are better left unsaid. But you can't take back the past..only move forward and do the right thing from here on. If you felt neglected enough to have an affair in the first place, I doubt the "one time affair" will keep you from feeling neglected in the future with your husband. The problem is not resolved by having affairs, if being neglected is a problem in your marriage, then, you need to voice this to your husband and be ready with some real solutions that would help you NOT to feel so neglected by him. My husband and I lead very busy lives, he travels with his job as I do and we also have two young boys...so, we both tend to feel neglected...what we have done is to schedule time for one another...something you would have to do if you continued on with an affair...doesn't it make more sense to schedule time with your husband? If you are no longer attracted to or feel like you want to spend more time with your husband, then, maybe the neglect you feel isn't coming from him, rather you need to re-analyze your own feelings for your husband.
2007-02-07 07:01:17 · answer #1 · answered by JADE D 1 · 1⤊ 1⤋
My lifelong girlfriend was in your exact situation a very long time ago. One night, she met up with a guy whose been her best friend forever. They had always been platonic with each other and nothing ever happened. Well, they ended up having a one night stand after too many drinks on both parts. She thought it would be best to keep it quiet since the sex was meaningless and it was only one night. She found out God had other ideas. A week later, she ended up in the ER with a UTI. A few days later, she blurted out the truth. Her husband was devastated to find out, and she was so terrified that she lost her marriage, she almost lost her mind. Well, something amazing happened. They sat down and had a real conversation; something that hadn't happened in almost a year. After her husband got all the facts about that night, he knew deep down that it wasn't intentional and wanted to give their marriage another chance. He said he still loved her and that he forgave her. He told me the biggest thing that made it easy for him to forgive and trust her was the fact she was honest about that night. They went into counseling to work out the problems that led to the affair and I'm happy to say that they are still married and are happier than ever. As for the other guy, they're still very close to each other and have set up boundaries to make sure it doesn't happen again. Her husband is working on forgiving him. It's getting better though.
In answer to your question, I would say yes. True, you do stand to lose a lot. Your marriage, your reputation, your friendships with the other guy and his partner, etc. Yet, you could gain something wonderful by being honest: a restored marriage based on love, trust, honesty and communication. Many blessings.
P.S. I should warn you that since this thing happened four months ago, he's going to be very angry that you kept it quiet for this long. Don't be surprised if he rises to a whole new level of hurt and anger if/when you tell him.
2007-02-07 12:42:04 · answer #2 · answered by Michelle T 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well sometimes things are better left unsaid. I am for honesty however between a husband and wife. Apparently, you cheated on your husband due to emotional issues between the two of you. If anything your husband needs to be made aware of the problem with providing for you emotionally. I am totally against cheating on a spouse and I think you should have tried getting help for your marriage. If getting help didn't change anything then file for a divorce and then start playing around with other men. Are you still hanging out with this couple? How can you look the wife of the guy you cheated with in the face and be her friend after what you have done with her husband? I think whether you decide to tell your husband or not out of respect for your husband and the wife of the guy you cheated with you should stop contact all together with this couple.
2007-02-07 07:04:15 · answer #3 · answered by Lucinda M 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Husband Delemias?
2016-09-23 09:45:06 · answer #4 · answered by ? 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why would you tell your husband that you had an affair? So that YOU will feel better? Are you seriously willing to potentially destroy your marriage and lose all of your husband's trust because YOU can't handle the guilt? My advice is to learn from your mistake, keep your mouth shut, and live with the guilt that YOU created for yourself. It's the price you pay for being an unfaithful wife, despite your EXCUSE of claiming to feel neglected at the time!
2007-02-07 07:32:41 · answer #5 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I disagree with every one else..only once and we both felt neglected is the biggest cop-out in the world. If your still hanging with the couple, who's to say you won't cheat again? How would you feel if you saw on here where your husband had an affair with her? Where is it written that if you cheat once don't say anything but if done twice you tell all? I think you should break with your friends and when your husband asks why you no longer want to hang with them tell him the truth..maybe if you were neglected before and you tell him so he won't do so again. A real marriage is built on truth and honesty...from what the others in here are saying they don't believe in marriage or the sanctity of marriage
2007-02-07 07:00:10 · answer #6 · answered by sassywv 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Are you absolutely positive that they other man will take it to the grave? If you answered yes then I would let well enough alone. If you answered no you might be better off telling hubby.
I would start with something like, "I did something stupid that I think you should know about." Make sure he knows it was a 1 shot deal and that you don't want there to be any secrets between the 2 of you even bad ones.
2007-02-07 07:23:43 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
As a husband who has been there in your husband's shoes, unless you want a divorce, DO NOT TELL HIM. And if your husband asks you about it, DENY DENY DENY. I wouldn't even discuss it with the guy you had the affair with. If he brings it up, ask him, "What are you talking about," or " You must have been dreaming."
It is your word versus that guy's. If he tells , he wants to ruin your marraige and what good is that?
All those who say be honest are also the people who would tell him to "kick you to the curb." This lie is for the greater good, babe.
2007-02-07 07:06:18 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
The truth will set you free. If you don't want to do it again, and want to make things right, then you should tell. If you don't tell, you'll start to think "Hey, I'm getting away with this--why not do it again." You made a mistake, but you don't have to keep doing it. Examine yourself--happiness comes from within. If you're feeling neglected, try talking to the person you have the issue with--not someone outside the relationship.
2007-02-07 15:40:25 · answer #9 · answered by HeIsMyAllinAll 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you can keep your hands to yourself and be cool about the emotions involved with the other person, I'd say stay quiet. It's past, and unless you're prepared for the s**t-storm involved in revealing a past once-only infidelity, you're wisest to let it lie. Little of positive value can be achieved from exposing the event.
Besides, it's not an 'affair' (an emotional and physical attachment), sounds like it was just a pity mutual-comfort thing.
ANd NEVER do it again.
2007-02-07 06:53:37 · answer #10 · answered by Randy J 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋