This past Christmas, my wife of 7 years informed me that she had been having an affiar for about six months. On top of that she also went and bought a house with out me knowing about it. She then informed me that she wanted a divorce, but did not want me to take our two sons away from her. She told me on Christmas, because her "lover" was forcing the issue. She wanted to wait till after the holidays, but if she didn't tell me, her "lover" was going to tell me first. After I calmed her down on the phone and we sat down to talk, we got to the root of the problem and what caused this to happen. For the length of our marriage, she has dreamed of owning her own home. Our Finances would not allow this. We worked on it, but constantly something would come up to drain our money away. Usually helping out a family member of hers or mine. Well, she was visiting old friends from school and over time she developed feelings for an old friend of hers. And the rest is history.
2007-02-07 06:32:29 · 7 answers · asked by Joshua S 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
She does admit that she still loves me, and she does still want to be with me. She tells me that her "physical" relationship with him is over. I do believe her. But she says they are friends and will stay so. I don't like this and she knows it. SHe is selling the house she bought behind my back. We want to work this out if at all possible. She does, however say that she still has very strong feelings and needs time to make sure that being with me is the right choice. Is she using me to get some things she still needs? Is she sincere? should I still try and work this out with her as I Lover her with all that I am. Is she staying with me because of her fear of losing the boys? Can I ever trust her again. I have forgiven her, but I can't forget or erase the doubts that I have. What do I do?
2007-02-07 06:36:28 · update #1
She does still love him too. She says that she loves him the way she used to love me. She says she is confused and to be patient with her. I am willing to be so, but here we are a month later and not much progress has been made. I am falling apart with the uncertainty. I don't think I can wait much longer.
2007-02-07 06:39:04 · update #2
Wow, but I will try to make it real for you hon.... you are probably so far "down in the test tube" that as you look out, it seems fine.... you don't realize how high you have to climb to actually get out...
I don't write very many of these, but you seem to need some analysis of this situation.... and I'm no dummy.
Marriage is, I think, at least four things, with all sorts of sub-sets under each, but the main are admiration, respect, passion and trust. The trust is gone, as she has shared passion with someone else, and your respect and admiration are doubtlessly in the toilet with the other two.... She has betrayed you, and that image of her being pronged by another guy is sure enough difficult to ever get over.... Will you ever forget? Oh, no. Will you ever be able to forgive? Maybe, and for sure not without about two years of counseling, you both wishing to save your marriage and that, hon, not even a guarantee.
She has shared, hon... and you don't share in marriage.... the honorable thing to do is get out, then do what you wish.... at this point she appears to be holding you as "The Jerk in Reserve". And the one she has the affair with is usually the "bridge" out of the marriage... she won't end up with him, but her betrayal of you indicates she's not solid in her commitment to you and your marriage. (The person you marry is never the same person you divorce.)
What to do. Assuming you, and she wish to save this, counseling is your only hope.... and just as a little aside, hon, you don't love her..... you love the image you had of her, and she now and it then, are just not the same.... and this is the tuff one to swallow.... So what you are looking at is an attempt to get that back, and in 6 months you may realize that that just isn't going to happen
(Regarding your finances --- stop now being everyone's savior!!! her family, your family.... families will suck you dry if you let them, and for your own future financial health, start socking $$ into your IRA's because social security will at max pay you $600 per month at 55 if you had to stop working... (Investiment --- another problem I won't discuss here now... you want ideas, write.... I retired at 48!!)
More on marriage.... It is as well as those four, an ability to communicate ( and you two didn't), and solve problems without resentment and rage. It is the fun of doing something for your spouse -- even silly stuff like a note in her lunch, or her panties in your overnighter if you have a business trip.... it is a hug, and a kiss, with no request for sex, it is holding her hand, it is a gentle touch or bringing each other coffee in bed.... it is silly stuff. And it is always putting your partner first. It is as well time and space to be alone.......... And sometimes, it is just shutting the hell up.
A recent article came out on a 30 year study of 30,000 marriages.... for every 1 negative comment, 6 positive ones had to cover it... the closer these number came together, the less happy the marriage was.
Recommendation:
In your place, I'd be smoked as hell at the betrayal, that she still wants to keep this guy as a friend, that she bought a house behind your back, and now want you not to be angry.... Get some counseling, hon, just on your own even before you ask her to come, assuming she will, and for sure make it a requirement for reconcilliation, or your marriage has no chance..., and write if you wish.....with more info, and if I can, I'll answer... I'm thinking the wounds now are still so raw, you hardly feel anything, but you will.
2007-02-07 07:08:47 · answer #1 · answered by April 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I agree with Garrrr. You two do need to sit down and have a talk. You two alone and in the privacy of your home where you two can really talk without being afraid to share your feelings. try to take the kids with one of their grandmothers or something, the truth is that the kids don't need to hear it. If you are willing to forgive your wife for what she did i encourage you, you seem to be very humble and kind, but if you decide not to stay with her then i don't think that anyone should have anything to say, you are in your right. It's obvious that you love her but remember that dealing with this situation will be very hard. talk about everything; why, when, and why it is that she still is "confused" if she really loves you and regrets what she has done then i don't think that she would be confused. ultimately its for u to know. bring up every issue don't leave anything undisscused. communication is very important. let her know that if she doesn't really love you and thinks that if you took her back she would cheat on you again, to let you know. find the motive why she did it in the first place. there must be things that one if not both of you need to fix. remember to always do things the right way. and if in the end you decide to stay or leave make sure that you made the right decision.
2007-02-07 07:11:11 · answer #2 · answered by prezgirl 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yer- it is sad how many people think they found the one and later down the track things don't work out. Sometimes I see elderly couples and they seem still so much in love with each other it's so sweet.. I think alot of it has to do with being selfish -alot of couples don't put each other needs first, when there are problems or disagreement, they don't compromise, they want there needs to come first, and want to be right and win, or want to make each other suffer etc..., a break down of communication, trust and effort leads to love dying - instead of trying to rekindle it and work on it, they rather move on and try to replicate what they once had with another > a cycle. these people probably have issues within they need to work out so probably not ready for love, so a failure of relationship is a growing and learning experience for Some...... Possibly also people don't know what it means to love these days if what is indoctrined in society 'love' or finding a partner is for such things as sex, money, power, manipulation, superficial based things.....
2016-03-29 09:43:28 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like you two need to sit down once again and outline hers and your EXACT wants and needs. If she's being unreasonable in what she desires out of this marriage, maybe divorce is the only way to go. You need to ask her straight up if she has alterior motives in wanting to stay with you, wether it's custody of the children, financial issues, etc. You also need to sit down and search your own feelings. Remember, you can only bend so far before you break, and it takes more than love to make a marriage work. If you feel like the rest of your marriage is going to be spent in mistrust, this relationship might not be right. She did this to you, and it's up to you to make the right decision keeping your children, yourself and your feelings as your top priority.
2007-02-07 06:41:50 · answer #4 · answered by Garrrr 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You poor bloke.
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Take a path now to set yourself up for future happiness, and make it the right one.
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A cosmic smile for you
akbaby
2007-02-07 10:37:57 · answer #5 · answered by akbaby 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need a marriage counselor. You can't sort thru all of this by yourself, and she certainly sounds confused.
2007-02-07 06:42:34 · answer #6 · answered by kiwi 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
wow, that's a lot to deal with. Maybe you should try some counseling.
2007-02-07 07:01:51 · answer #7 · answered by WhyNotMe 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋