How can I walk away from a fight with my husband before it gets worst??

Question

I could use some advice on fair fighting with my spouse! We have two totally different fighting methods and we need to come to come point to fight nice and fair. My approach is whatever we are fighting about lets just talk about it and go on with our day. His approach is when we are fighting is to walk away so he can calm down. But I am having difficulty letting that happen because when we fight he has a short fuse and has already blown up and have called names and said some pretty mean things. So at that point I'm still calm but I am still not leaving him alone because I dont want him to think that he can do those things and walk over me and think its ok. So, how can I compromise or just walk away? What the right and fair thing to do?

WOW! Most of the responses I got are to walk away from the fight! Which I totally agree with also and I thank everyone for there advice on how to walk away. I am ready for the first test, but maybe there wont be one! :) Thanks to all!

Answer 1

He sounds like he needs to grow up - you can argue with a spouse without it becoming verbal abuse. He needs counseling.

Answer 2

I know it's hard, I've been there. Believe me when I say:"nothing good will come out if you keep fighting when you are mad". Walk away go to your room or somewhere, write down the reasons why you are mad and then go do something else. Later more calmly do the following:
1. Describe facts. Avoid judgments, interpretations,or opinions.
2. Feelings. Describe your own feelings: "I feel frustrated"
3.Wants. Say what you want, say things like: "I want to divide the housework fairly"
4. Thoughts. Communicate your thoughts, and use caution. don't say things like:"I think you are a slob" because that is a judgment in disguise. Instead, say, "I'd have more time to study if I didn't have to clean up so often."
5. Intentions. Have a plan that doesn't depend on your partner. For example, instead of "From now on we're going to split the dishwashing evenly", you could say, "I intend to do my share of the housework and leave the rest."
The next day look at your letter, and ask him to sit down and talk about what happend the day before but with some ground rules.
1 take turns to talk and do not interrupt one another, if you feel you are getting upset ask him to stop (or viceversa) but do not talk over eachother.
2 Don't insult eachother. If you lose respect for one an other you might as well finish the relationship now.
3 We all see things different. For instance if he collects football cards and you by mistake trash one he will flip out and he might get so upset and scream and kick but you might not get the reason why he gets so upset because you do not care for cards and can't understand the reason for him being so upset. The best way for him to relay his feelings would be to swich the scenario for something you care about... plants, scrapbooking, sculpting, etc.
4 Be fair and accept responsability.
5 Make love ;)

Answer 3

What about writing things down? What about arguing with each other via IM - if you have each a PC available?

What about setting some ground rules - no name calling, always counting to 10, 15, 20...etc. before responding etc. This way you should be able to keep the exchange cool, constructive and productive. When he says something objectionable/nasty, wait 10 seconds and ask him "Do you really mean it what you just said?" People should always engage their brain before opening their mouth...

It is important that you talk - that you vent your emotions and frustrations. I've known some people who could not talk and all the rage and disagreement became pent up and once they exploded there usually was no marriage to save anymore. They simply felt to aggrieved that they could not be bothered anymore, and the only thing they could do was to walk away.

Pick a good time for an argument -- the worst you can do is start argument as soon as you get home from work or at the very last minute before going to bed.

Answer 4

Walking away is the best. What we do is, someone leaves for like 20 mins, take a nice drive or walk...comes back and start to talk rather than blow up or fight. It works most of the time. You may not like him to walk off while your talking but it will give you both time to calm down and think for a minute.

Answer 5

You need something to do to calm yourself down when you are that upset. Try coming up with something you like doing, even if it's shopping, or scrubbing the tub vigorously. Before he walks away from you, walk away from him and say I have to get out of here, even if you really want to wring his neck, leave. Then go buy yourself a lip gloss or new shoes and you will think clearer when you have calmed down.
If he doesn't want you spending the $$, tell him it's that or you will wring his neck, and leave the choice to him.
Women usually do like to continue talking until it's fixed, and it is true that men will mostly react the opposite way. But if you can't refrain from using harsh words, you NEED to walk away.
Think about it like you're letting that control you, and you need to get the control back. You can do something nice for yourself and at the same time be the bigger person.

Answer 6

Everyone has their own way of dealing with Anger. You Both need to sit down and talk calmly when you are not angry at each other. Tell him how you feel about the name calling. I am like your husband, if my Fiancee and I argue after I have reached a certain point, I just walk away and do not say anything for awhile. With some people you have to give them their space and do not PUSH the issue. It will only make matters worse..

Answer 7

When you and your spouse are arguing and things are starting to get heated then its time to walk away. You still love each other but you need time to calm down and think about what the other one has said. Continuing to "talk" after he has already "blown up" will only result in hurt feelings. Give him space.

Answer 8

If your husband has blown up and walks away. If he has a concience then he'll feel bad if you just walk away to be by yourself. Try walking away before you get into it. Once the issue is out there and things are starting to heat up, that is the best time to walk away. Come back when you've both calmed down.

Answer 9

I've been having the same kind of trouble. We've been married for almost a year and I'm finding out our differences. (Don't know if he is) When we have a disagreement, (it's usually because I don't think the same as he does, and this seems to infuriate him), he claims to want to hear what I think, but it only makes him madder. So I've resolved to write down what I think and feel. One of these days if he acts like he's growing up enough to be able to listen to someone else's point of view without blowing up, I may show it to him. For now, to keep the peace, I'll just get it out of my system by writing my thoughts and then letting it go. This may not work for you, but good luck in whatever you decide.

Answer 10

Once you both know this going to be a confrontation is for BOTH
of you is to just shut up and walk away until the problem can be
approached in a reasonable way. If he walks away, I can only
suggest that you leave him the @#$% alone -- he's trying to deal
with the problem without blowing his stack -- you should do like-
wise and think about something else.

Answer 11

Because he has a short fuse is exactly why you should set things aside until you can be rational about it. When you get irritated by something say "You know that really bothers me, can we talk about that later when I'm not so emotionally connected to the situation". Later on you'll decide that it is important enough to discuss or it's not...if it is then HE will be emotionally DISCONNECTED enough from the situation to not feel like he's getting attacked. But that will happen only if you say "I feel" or "When that happens it makes me feel".....when you talk in those terms it's harder for him to get angry because you're not telling him what to do. Only how it makes you feel when he does it...it's up to him to decide if he wants to change. Key is to discuss the issue and not let it get to the point of name calling. Sometimes it has to be the non-aggressive one that bends in order to prevent that from happening.