My marriage is in trouble...am I being fair to him?

Question

My husband quit his job exactly one year ago to pursue his own business. We were having financial difficulties at the time he quit his job, but I supported him and we pushed on. I truly believed he tried his best to get the business started, but a year later, my credit score is completely ruined, bills are backed up, and I'm truly scared about our financial situation. I'm working two jobs and I have just given him an ultimatum. If in six months, our situation hasn't improved drastically, then I'm leaving him. My question is, am I being fair to him, am I being too lenient?

Answer 1

I think that you have been more than fair. This may seem harsh but enough is enough. You have been supportive up until now and it just isn't working so now he has to think of a new plan. Now if you go off on your own your credit is shot too. I would do the same thing that you have done.

Answer 2

There is a lot needed to really answer this question.

Has he been trying to find work (really trying?) Has he been working?

If he is making an effort, trying hard and not getting anywhere then I think you need to stop and take that into account. You have to give him credit for trying, but help him realize that if he can't make it in a year he needs to find another option (and take on some kind of job in the meantime.) If that is the case you need to open up and let him know what all this weight, work and responsibility is doing to you. Is it possible he's unaware? To me, if he's making a real sincere effort then calling it quits all together is a bit much. Marriages have their rough times, its what makes the sweet times so wonderful.

If he's not making any kind of sincere effort, I think you are being very fair. You cannot sacrifice yourself in a manner where you will never get anything back. You can't exhaust yourself to support a man who isn't making any kind of effort to contribute. If you weren't giving him any time after making the ultimatum I would think you are being a little harsh... sometimes people need a wake up call to see how things really are before they make an effort to change things. As wonderful as love can be, you cannot really live on love.

If he's not trying, you are being more than fair (fairer than most really.)

Answer 3

Money is usually the root of most marital problems in America. I think how you should have handled the ultimatum is by telling him first that he needs to give up on the starting his own business thing and go get a steady job. If he refuses to do that then tell him your leaving in 6 months if the financial situation doesn't improve. If your husband does go get a job and gives up on this business he started and you guys are still having financial trouble then really he is doing what he can to help the situation. If your husband is doing all he can and you are doing all you can and still having financial trouble then you guys need to tough it out together. The only way I would give him the your leaving ultimatum is if he refuses to do all he can on his part.

Answer 4

That is a subjective question, in some cases, that might imply that you are asking your friends that question because you perceive gay marriage to be fairer than a heterosexual marriage which is probably true but not in all cases and only if you find the right love match in a lady, if you are a lady looking for another lady for example. There are butch lesbians who are more like men than women and there are femme lesbians who are obviously more like women than women ( hang on, that does not make any sense because you cannot be more of a women ( in a DNA sense ) than already being a women ) Sorry, I am babbling now but I know what I mean, even if no-one else does!?! Anyway, I am a femme lesbian but some other femme lesbians may see me as a bit of a tomboy I think but because I have only just come out of the closet myself, I have not really had a chance to start dressing like either a tomboy lesbian or a femme lesbian really but I think that when I do get the time, I will probably be buying lots of femme lesbian clothes and other related accessories etc etc. Hey, I think that coloured contact lenses are cool also, what do you think? and I am going to buy some for myself as soon as I get the chance. Anyway, I must go to bed now because I am extremely tired but I will be back onto this website chatting to you lovely people very soon.

Answer 5

Your not being fair to him at all, although I do understand what you mean. I think you should let him choose his own dream and path. Let him pursue his own business. There is possibility that it will improved. If you love him you would let him do so. You could also talk to him and tell him about your situation with bills. If he love you as much, he do anything to help you out. Don't leave for this situation. You should try to understand that he can not just do things that you want him to do.. Everyone is different in their own way, so try to make it work instead of running away by leaving. If you do have unconditional love, the both of you will succeed in everything that both of you put your mind into. Go with the flow and happiness will follow to.

Answer 6

You are being much more than fair. I would have probably lost it a while back if I were you. You could probably think of another ultimatum if you try. Give him 6 months to get it straightened out or find another job. If you are working 2 I don't see a problem with this. If he sees a problem , maybe he is just looking for you to be the financial backbone of the family. If you don't want this position, then leave him right then.

Answer 7

Well you made the vow to marry for better or worse. I've heard over and over that usually the first couple of years of a new business you usually don't profit so maybe you should be patient.
At the same time maybe you should suggest to your husband that he take on an evening job to help and cut back on the things you really don't need. If you want to improve your situation you have to be prepared to make sacrifices in you lifestyle. I don't think sacrificing your marriage though should be an option you'll still be in debt.

Answer 8

for better or worse, for richer or poorer those were the vows that you took. Do I think youre being fair. No, give him a break. It sometimes takes a while for a business to get started. He has dreams that he wants to fufill. Giving him an ultimatum only makes it worse. Work it out. If this is the only problem you to have then it can be worked out. Don't give up on your marriage. That's whats wrong with the world today.

Answer 9

Totally unfair, you agreed when he wanted to start his own bussiness, you feel as though he gave his best shot at making it a success, it didnt work out the two of you took a risk (you have to take risks to reap any reward), this one didnt work out. The two of you need to go to plan B and dig yourselves back out of debt. But to give an ultimatum of "unless our finances are better in six months I'm leaving" is pretty cold. If the bussiness had been a success I'm sure you would have been more than happy to share in that. You took the risk together...deal with the consequences together.

Answer 10

It is very common for entrepreneurs to dive into a dream without knowing when to wake up. One year of no progress and family in debt is enough.

Seasoned entrepreneurs know to plan better by setting aside a budget. Self financing with your house and credit card shows the business is not attractive enough for investors and therefore high risk. A good entrepreneur should know how to raise money and if money is not there, accept that the timing or his idea not working. Often dreamers don't look around for reality check and alert about the damage he is putting him and family thru.

I am an investor. We want entrepreneurs to have passion but not blind passion. They need to navigate well in troubled waters.

So have your husband talk to local entrepreneurs group to have them give neutral opinions. He might listen

Answer 11

sounds like you're the type of person that needs a constant stream of income. That doesn't work well with trying to start a business...it could be 5 years of struggling before it takes off. If you're not willing to wait that long that's ok...but dont make it out to be his fault. It's simply differing personalities. Some are willing to take risks and others aren't. Talk to him and let him know that you don't think you can take it much longer. But be prepared...those that aren't willing to take risks or sacrifice are the ones that don't get to share in the returns.