Married for 15 years separated last year for about 8 months. Im not happy! I don't think shes happy(although she says she loves me) I dont think I know how to make her happy ... but we have a 12 year old daughter... to make matters worse we married very young and since I didn't want to go around spreading children I had a vasectomy, my biggest fear in leaving is that most women my age would probably want to start a family I don't want any more kids, but I also don't want to continue being miserable!
2007-02-07 05:23:38 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Before I left last year we tried counseling the relationship improved somewhat, but I ended up leaving anyway... what is the reason for me leaving I was just bored out of my mind! shes like 7 years older than me and all she does is watch television, I like to be active and play sports and im competitive shes so totally not, in the end Im not sure if the things we have in common are reason enough for me to leave, ive always been of the 80/20 formula if 80 % of things are ok then its good enough... but I just feel she takes me for granted and shes boring! thats the main reason im miserable!
2007-02-07 05:45:06 · update #1
Hi Cyber - Obviously I can't know the whole story from your paragraph, why you are both unhappy ( you can love someone and not be happy )...if the home situation is ok but unhappy... or if unhealthy with lots of yelling and crying, etc. So, from my vantage point, I can offer these pieces of advise. One is an old standby from my parent's generation, twisted a bit, but holds true regardless. Ask yourself "Is my daughter better off with me here, or without me here?". If the answer to that question is that she is better off with you at home, then that is where you need to be. If you can't get along well enough with your wife to be comfortable sharing a room, then hopefully you have a 3 bedroom place and can have your own rooms. Be roommates if you need to be, for the next 6 years. 12 is a really, really rough age for any kid. And for a 12 year old girl to have her daddy leave will make is difficult for her to trust any male for the next large amount of years. Being parents means putting her needs first. What you and your wife do about your personal and intimate relationships is your choice, perhaps it will become fun to meet in each other's rooms and rekindle something...
My other thought is that if you married very young ( I'm going to guess 17 - 20 ) you are now about 32 - 35 years old. You're not even out the door and are considering how to find another marriage. People who marry young never have the time to figure out who they are first. I speak from experience on this one. I was 17 with a baby and husband. You would do better, truly, to know yourself first. Then, later, I have no doubt you will be in a better place to find someone in the same place in life as you. With nearly grown or grown kids and ready to start the next phase of life.
Hanging in for the sake of the kids IS worth it if it's not a totally unliveable situation. This is looking to be your only chance to be a dad. Grab it and dedicate your next 6 years to her. You will still have more years left to live than you have lived when she is grown. You can afford the time to be more selfish in a good way then... and will have a great relationship with your child to be very proud of.
If you are wondering from where I speak, I stayed in a so-so relationship for 12 years after we knew it wouldn't work out forever, and neither I, nor my daughters' father is sorry we did. We are great friends, made great co-parents.. when the girls were grown, we separated and divorced in a friendly manner. After taking some time to learn about me, I found a fabulous man in my early 40s who went through the same thing. His kids are grown too. We are like newlyweds all the time.. and best of all, we both know we did right by our kids and they wish all the parents nothing but well.
Oh, and ps.. you can't MAKE someone happy. You can support her dreams, and be an equal, giving partner, but happiness is a personal goal. Talk together. Think outside the box and come up with something workable for all of you. Peace.
2007-02-07 05:58:42 · answer #1 · answered by NinaFromNewEngland 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
How about you change your BIG-EST fear to being what the two of you would do to your 12-year old daughter if you left.
How's that -- take a minor child and make them miserable because SELFISH YOU and your SELFISH wife for both being too damb LAZY to make a HAPPY marriage.
To make matters worse (we got married young) is NOT a F-in excuse. That's just more selfishness. As if you put your thing in another hole or two none of this would be happening.
You TWO need to grow up. Maybe that's part of the reson she's not happy -- seems she married a selfish BOY probaly she's a bit of a GIRL. You don't need some new thing to stick it in to grow up you can do that with the one you are with. Much better deal for your 12-year old daughter.
2007-02-07 05:36:46 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Why are you miserable since you two have separated? Don't stay with your wife because you are scared of not finding a woman who doesn't want kids. That's a selfish reason. Have you two tried marriage counseling? Why did you two separate in the first place?
I suggest you need to shove two books in her face, The Proper Care & Feeding of Marriage and The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. I suggest you read the marriage book on your own as well. We need some more details...
2007-02-07 05:29:52 · answer #3 · answered by SillyKimmie 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Don't worry about future problems until you solve your current situation. Do not stay just because of your daughter. How has the separation gone? If you feel like life has been better away from your spouse, then you should get a divorce. There are plenty of women out there that don't want kids.
I'm getting divorced over the issue. She wants them, and I don't. I'm willing to risk it to find a woman with the same desire to not have kids.
2007-02-07 05:29:37 · answer #4 · answered by Back in the game... 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
How about your daughter? You aren't happy-you don't think your wife is happy. You don't mention how your daughter is coping. Do you want her to grow up and think this is what her future relationships will be like? You and your wife are role models. You both need to provide her with a healthy environment-separately or together. Good Luck to you all.
2007-02-07 05:41:45 · answer #5 · answered by kdbsk71 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
STAAYYY!!!!! :'( :'(!! :P umm... well I wont be on much during may... but after may im on... and then its summer sooooo I will be outside but I will come one here at like 2 am or so if I dont have anything to do... plus july 27 im going over seas... and my sleeping time will be screwed upp soo I will be on at the night times where everyone is asleep lol
2016-03-29 09:37:13 · answer #6 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
How are you making your wife feel desirable and sexy? Are you holding resentments and hostility towards her? What would you do, actually do, to make her feel like a sexy woman??? You need to give, give, give, give... and give some more.
If it's not working it would be better to stay married anyways if you want to remain in your child's life every day... would you want to just be a "weekend dad?" When the kid is 18 you can reconsider your options.
2007-02-07 05:37:47 · answer #7 · answered by ♥Humble Proclaimer♥ 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
only you can answer that question. you have to start with yourself. if you're not happy, there is nothing that you can do to make her happy and in the end you will only resent one another. do you both want to try to make things work? have you sought counseling? sounds like you're biggest fear is more like insecurity - you'd rather be miserable with someone than alone? are you only staying in the case that you may not find someone else?
2007-02-07 05:29:58 · answer #8 · answered by soon2bstepmom 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I'm not sure how old you are but most females now in days are single mothers. It is likely in searching for your next love she already has kids and doesn't want more either. You should be happy, and if you happiness is not with your daughters mother you should leave.
2007-02-07 05:29:26 · answer #9 · answered by Hotcakes 3 · 0⤊ 2⤋
If you feel its not going to work out - please leave and get on with your life. If you find another woman and she does want children - never fear, the vasectomy reversals do work, my boss has twin daughters to prove it.
2007-02-07 05:30:21 · answer #10 · answered by wild_orchid_tx36 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋