This is my First Poem ...plz critique....?

Question

I wanna feel some pain.
I wanna feel some pain.
I wanna die again.
I wanna die again.

cut me slowly
with a razor sharp knife.
hang me by a rope
and dont let me die.
hit me with a bludgeon
as hard as u can.
make me feel
the pain again.

cos
pain is the god
and pain is the satan.
pain is the hell
and pain is the heaven.
pain is the shield
and pain is the weapon.
pain is the nectar
and pain is the poison.

pain is everywhere
and u can't hide.
pain is the time
and pain is the tide.
pain is in the water
and pain is in the fire.
pain is in the womb
and pain is on the pyre.

so my fren
dont be afraid.
I wont kill you
and leave u dead.
I have an offer
u wont refrain.
give me pain
and I will give u pain.

thanks for the comments...actually I was singing it in my mind when I was composing...so basically this is not a poem....this is a song rather....with the music in my mind....thanks to all of u

Answer 1

its ok....needs a little work with more metaphors. Maybe describe the cause of the pain a little more to support the main idea, you know, show some "how?" ...but not bad for first timing it out...

Answer 2

nicely, for my section the completed manage the rythm grew to become right into somewhat off at cases, or perhaps nevertheless i'm surprisingly dure you probably did not recommend to there have been places the place it may rhyme for a at the same time as and then end and then rhyme for a at the same time as and then end...it sort of harm the final effectiveness....that's advisable to re-examine by and seek for places the place the rhythm is off and small info like that that rather make the poem. as a good distance simply by fact the concern remember is going, that's sort of like "it is quite like that different poem" ya' be attentive to? Why not use extra similes and metaphors to make the completed element look extra...i dunno, only much less angst and extra like a distinctive inspect issues. additionally, there are some places the place issues you're saying conflict like "i will say i dont love you and recommend it" and the final line "yet i such as you"....they conflict and it only does not make lots sense. it is a solid poem in case you strip all of it the way down to the scaffolding and tricky on it and build it larger and extra sensible than before. ~Brittany~

Answer 3

I would say stop feeling sorry for yourself, use different words than "pain," and try punctuating with more than just a period at the end of every other line.
I don't mean to just out and insult everything about it, but come on; yes, you'll feel some pain in life, but it's not your entire existence, nor is it this all-consuming thing you seem to feel that it is. Try hoping for something.
It sounds so remarkably cliche and commercial that I almost threw up in my mouth.

Answer 4

Nice and sad at the same time. It also makes u think a little which i like in a song or a poem. I can relate to the feeling no pain, sometimes we can make our emotions go numb and that can be a sad thing, when we can not feel.

Answer 5

it's a halfway decent rough draft - you know what it would remind me of if you actually worked it out with about 20 more revisions? It sounds a little like Abraham Lincoln's "Suicide's Soliloquy". Yes, the prez was a very depressed guy and a poet - go figure!

Answer 6

People express themselves in different ways, and this is your way. It may come across as dark, but sometimes people can become so numb to everything we are exposed to, maybe you need to feel some pain in order to feel anything at all. Personally, I think it would make a great heavy metal song. I think a lot of people would relate to it.

Answer 7

You diffenetly put a lot of feeling into this poem, and it doesn't look like one of those poems where you have to read between the lines. those kinds of poems confuse me, i liked yours, you could actually turn it into a song.... to me writing a poem is harder than writing a novel, so congrats you got a gift... good luck with all of your poems to come :o)

Answer 8

I'm sorry, cause I know I am not a very good poet but you just sound like a depressed nut case. Sorry, better luck on the next one.

Answer 9

I know nothing about poems an I stopped reading after the 2nd line BUT you are very brave.

Answer 10

It doesn't exactly rhyme- which is fine- but I think it might be a better alternative rock song instead! Or maybe a rap song!