Any birthmothers, adoptive parents or adoptees out there?

Question

The son I placed for adoption will be turning 18 very soon. This was an open adoption & his mother has always been kind enough to send me pictures & updates. We had a wonderful relationship during the pregnancy & afterward, but I felt there was a point that I needed to draw back & allow the family to grow without a lot of involvement/inteaction from me. We still have kept in touch - he & his mom even came to my wedding 5 years ago. My question is this: I have been thinking about him a lot now that he is getting ready to turn 18. I am going through a lot of grief, because even though I placed him for adoption, I love him very, very much. I would like to approach him about having more contact, but I am afraid of rejection (he has always been told that what I did I did out of love, not rejection, but I still fear I may have hurt him), I am afraid of hurting his adoptive family-who I love & appreciate. Does anyone have experience & how did things turn out?

Answer 1

My birthmother gave me up when she had me at 17. She was jobless, still lived with her parents, wasn't with my birthfather. I had thought about finding her for years before I did. I was scared she wouldn't want to see me but my mom always encouraged me and would have helped me if I wanted help in finding her. I found her 2 years ago when I was 23. She had been waiting since the day I turned 18 for me to find her. She was afraid I was angry and wouldn't forgive her for giving me up. She was also afraid my mom wouldn't allow me to find her. But we met and talked and looked through pictures. 5 years after she had me she had to have a hystorectomy, so I was the only child she ever had unfortunatly. We talk at least once a month and I visit whenever I can. She is a work-a-holic so it's hard unless I visit at her work.
My mom wants to meet her, my sister, my grandma....my friends.
I will say that the first few times I met her/talked to her, she was still like a stranger to me. It was alittle uncomfortable. But I grew out of that. I am alot like her except I'm not nearly as talkitive as her. I'm shy and quiet. But other than that we are alot alike. In some interests as well.
Don't fear being rejected....he's been told always that you did it out of love, you wanted him to be raised the best way possible. I'm sure he wants a relationship with you. I am sure he understands. Your lucky you had any type of contact with his adoptive family....I didn't know they did that way back then.
Don't be afraid....everything will work out.
Good luck.....hope this helped.

Answer 2

I am adopted. I learned that my mom left day after i was born in 1949. I was raised by grandma and then she was ill had 4 kids to raise and me baby. So her brother adopted me. I was lucky and my dad was a drunk. He finally married and no one int he family remembered my mom. well i learned all this when i was late 30's it was shocker. I had family plus two sisters. One was a mess she had stroke couldn't communicate other one is RN really neat we;re close. The point is finally i came to realize its ok you would never become a mom such as known real mom. YOu could just be a person to the adoptee. But it would be ok i guess i can't see where you could possibly take the adopted parents place in anyway. So therefore you could try and see what happens. But then again he should try and find you i would think and maybe he doens't want to find you. I mean hey there are alot of issues even though it wans't your fault. I dont' know how this shold come out. I had alot of issues till igrew up and 18 isn't that grown up yet. Anyhow I talked to my biological dad before he died of cancer (from smoking and drinking) and my real mom died in 91 and i never got to talk or meet her she was something else. she told every one that she had no family etc. and died a pauper. so i really dn't feel sorry for her she made her life and oh well i dont' hate her though because i had good life but the sisters of mine didn't oh well enough said

Answer 3

There have been so many great answers here, that I will just state a couple of the things that I, personally, wish my adoptive parents had done differently. The first is to state or even insinuate that the natural parents are defective, bad, "less than" or anything else negative. After all, they brought the child into the world, and it is highly likely that the child will feel that he or she must be bad or defective if he or she came from people who are those things. It's the same idea as speaking negatively of the other parent in a divorce situation. Do not expect your adopted child to be like you, or be disappointed if he or she is different from the other family members in terms of mannerisms, personality, intellect, talents, interests and so forth. There is hard-wiring involved in these traits, so you have to keep that in mind. Be thoughtful with regard to name changing. I was 2 when my name was changed. I, personally, was not happy about that. I did always wish that my name would have been respected. Best to you.

Answer 4

From what you have said you have had contact with your son. If you want to have more contact then maybe you could call his adopted mother and speak to her about him. She would know how to approach him on this, and maybe have him call you. Then maybe you guys could start becoming closer without edging out the adopted parents.