What hurts the most?

Question

When you find out your spouse is having an affair what hurts the most? The affair itself or the lies and deceit told to cover it up? For me, it was the lies and deceit. Knowing that my husband (now ex) looked me in the eye time and time again and lied. Knowing that he could have been honest and chose not to over and over. Why are cheaters like that? All my ex had to do was tell me he had feelings for another woman and things might have been different. At least I could have retained some respect for him.. What is your opinion?

Answer 1

Its not easy to have to face this issue, I did it and so do many females.

Men do not look at things the way females do, and seldom think of the consequences to the actions they do.

Altho there are females out there who do the same thing, the honest good females suffer the reactions of a situation someone else caused.

Men and some women will never get it, to be honest and upfront with their feelings is much more important than 5 mins of glory in the bed and all the drama it causes afterward.

I guess they think with the wrong head,

Sorry but thats the way the world has changed.

Answer 2

I have had the same thing happen to me and I agree with you with the exception of respecting him. He lied and cheated to you over and over again and took away the most precious thing in your marriage and that was the intimacy you two had between each other. Even if he had been honest with you and told you there was another woman things would not have been different you would have still been crushed, but remember something in your marriage that he was not getting caused him to go out an have an affair. If the two of you had been getting along and were happy in your relationship and communicating he never would have gone after another woman. I am not trying to put the blame on you but both of you must be at fault for something that was not right in the marriage for this to happen. Adultry hurts and sometimes cannot be forgiven and in order for you to move on you need to look inside yourself and figure out what part you played so this doesn't happen in future relationships or marriages. This is what I did and it worked. My next husband has never cheated on me.
Good luck.

Answer 3

When I found out my ex was having an affair I was really hurt that he could do that to me after 15 years of marriage. But when I found out the woman he was having an affair with had a child that was 7, I was really pissed! He had 3 kids at home and he chose to spend time with her and her kid (he admitted the 3 of them did things together). I guess the realization that not only did he cheat on me, he cheated on his kids was the most hurtful. In order to be a cheater, one has to lie, many times to get away with it. I don't think there's anything worse than knowing in his eyes, you're not worthy of his honesty and respect. Good for you for moving on. There are honest, faithful people out there.

Answer 4

Cheaters suck and frankly its all of it ...the lies, the deceit, and the other woman. Your ex was not mature enough to man up to the situation and be honest with you or himslef. You just have to realize at the time he was acting cowardly. Trust unless you cheated on him first, he was just being selfish and doing him...eventhough it affected you. A least you got out....Good Luck and in time all wounds heal and you will be asking us a question like what color should my next wedding dress be. Peace

Answer 5

I can't imagine the hurt and betrayal that you are feeling. Does it really matter what is more painful?

Would things have been any different if he told you that he had feelings for another woman? I doubt it.

It won't be easy but you have to move on. Put this in the past and let it go for now.

My guess is that at some point you will hear from him again. Be aware that many cheaters realize how good they had it in their marriage and often try to get back together with their exes.

Find someone who respects you and when this jerk does come back, you can say you aren't interested...

Answer 6

My Ex lied to me from day one of our relationship, we were married 20 years. He always made our relationship troubles my fault. I lost all my self esteem and had a hard time believing in myself after the divorce. I doubted my sanity at times during the divorce because he kept telling me I was lying and things were not as I thought they had been until some of his, mine and our friends told me different. What hurts me 9 years later, after I filed for the divorce, is why I lived 20 years with a lying cheating man that not one so-called-friend ever so much as hinted to me about. He got away with it because nobody had the Heart?? (dignity) to say what was going on, letting him lie to me in front of them (alibi's) doing without because his lady of the night needed entertained on the household budget or the trips that were for spouses were more enjoyable with his latest girlfriend. The lies and the affairs hurt enough in themselves but the silence of others was more painful.

Answer 7

the lies and deceit told to cover it up. Just remember what goes around comes around and he will one day be treated like the cheater that he is.

Answer 8

The lies and deceits is my thing but now that he is an ex. Why give it a second thought. Find someone for you and no one else cause once a cheat always a cheat....

Answer 9

I think the lies & deceit hurt the most. He was just not MAN enough to tell you the truth. Be thankful you don't have THAT problem in your life anymore.

Answer 10

I think it is lies they tell you. I am not sure why they keep
on telling you more lies. When you know they are.
your ex husband, not man enough to be honest.
he is still a boy. And needs to grow up.