Please help my marriage is failing??

Question

Hi i am 24 yrs old and just about to turn 25.I have been married almost 2 yrs now the first 6-8months of the marriage were the only good times i can think of where not everything was a fight.I have a daughter from a previous relationship who is 7 yrs old and i am concerned of what the impact is on her when she see's us fight.I try not to fight with my husband in front of her but he will purposley start fights in front of her to limit what i can say back to him.The problems started when my daughters bio- father was released from prison.His crime was committed while we were still in highschool he was driving home from a party drunk and hit someone killing them.He spent 5 yrs in prison for this but i wrote to him every once in a while and sent some photos of his daughter.When he was released he showed up on our door step with a stuffed animal for my daughter wanting to see her.My husband has since gotten very controling and possesive of me ?

I should also add that my husband is a police officer.He also has taken to saying bad things about my ex. to my daughter and will not allow her bio-father to enter our home.At the moment my daughters bio-father is paying some form of child support he visits on the weekends only to take her out for a special breakfast or lunch so i dont see the problem?

My ex. and i are only on friendly terms.We only really talk about his daughter.

Answer 1

Do you not think that is to be expected of him? Look at it from his point of view - you already had a child from a criminal, and he still took you in and married you and loved you etc. But, now the father has come back... how did you react?

Sure, you want to protect your daughter and do right by her - but your husband is going to feel out of place... this isn't the family he married into. Of course he feels threatened.

Now, what's the solution? Have you tried getting your husband and the father of your child around a table (with you, obviously) and talked about proper parenting arrangements? If it is made clear that your daughters family is with your husband now, your husband will feel more safe AND you will put the father of your daugher in his place.

Answer 2

No matter what you say to your husband he is feeling very threatened by the ex returning to town. If he has a good relationship with your daughter that can only make it worse. Even if you tell him otherwise he can't help but think that you are still interested in the ex. I think I would make sure that ANY contact that your ex has with you and his/your daughter is done legally and through the Friend of the Court. This may show your husband that you are only interested so that your daughter can get to know her father which even under these circumstances she has a right to do. Don't be swayed by what your daughter may be feeling about wanting to see him either. Get it legal.

As far as the fighting you may want to just say that you will only discuss any problems you two are having without your daughter present. Stick to that! Let him know in a gentle way that it is not good for any of you to use her presence to make a point in an argument.

Ask him how he is feeling if you haven't already. Make sure he knows that it is HIM that you love and that you feel caught in the middle. Deep down you alone know that you will always have feelings for the ex but only becasue of the beautiful child that you made together. Your husband doesn't has to verbally be reminded of that. Becasue you made a mistake so long ago doesn't mean you should have to suffer for that now either.

Tell you husband you love him. Tell him you want to make it work. Tell him it is unfortunate that it is happeneing like this and will HE help you make everything work. it will never be over but you can make it work if you both try!

Good luck.

Answer 3

That shows a lot of insecurity on his part if this is indeed the case and the reason for him behaving that way. Do you want anything with your daughter´s dad? Would you ever consider getting back with him? Essentialy, does your current husband have any real reasons to be jealous? If the answer is no, I would sit him down and have a serious chat with him about how you feel about the whole thing and about how this guy being release from prison doesn´t change how you feel for him [husband]. And must definetely talk to him about having the arguments in private not in front of your daughter. How it is important that she has a relationship with her biological father if that is what she would like... Hope that helps. Good luck and stay strong.

Answer 4

Unfortunately, your husband is a little jealous of this man, thinking you may still have feelings for him - yeah right! You have to sit your husband down and let him know that you love him, however, your daughter deserves a relationship with her father. Let him know that your ex won't take his place, ever.

Now as for the fighting, you have to fix this - DO NOT allow him to start fights while your daughter is present. If he does, tell him that you'll talk about this later. If he insists, kindly tell you daughter that there's a little disagreement and if she'd step into her room, the two of you will handle it. She is old enough. Or - walk to your bedroom when he starts fussing - he will follow. That's when you shut the door and discuss it out of her presence. Let your husband know that you want it to be like it was in the beginning. Also, let your ex know that he can't just show up at your door like that. There is a civilized way for visitations (supervised, initially, or course).

Answer 5

I have seen situations like this before--baggage from previous marriage creates problems for the current one. It will not get better, it will only get worse. The problem is that you cannot stop the bio father from seeing his daughter, but at the same time your current husband is protective because he doesn't feel comfortable when there's another man (used to be very close to you) around. You need to have a talk with your husband, and work out a deal with your daughter's father. Like allowing him to have her once a month on a weekend. You work that out. It's tough, but if you don't do anything about it, it soon will explode.

Answer 6

You're the only one that can help your marriage. I take it that he knew about the father of your daughter. He and you need counseling. He needs to know the your daughter will need her father in her life. And that your daughter father has a right to be in your daughter's life. Your husbands needs to know that. You need to tell your daughter's father that he can not just show up when ever he wants too. Have it scheduled so he can see his daughter at certain times away from your home. Maybe you will have to work this out with an attorney.
You should never fight in front of your daughter no matter what. You are doing great harm to her by doing this.
Don't forget it takes two to fight. So you can start there. So when you think a fight is going to start you just leave. You need to talk to your husband in a lam way and tell him that he is the one you love and want to be with. By all means get help. That is professional help.

Answer 7

You need to explain to your husband that you don't want to be with your ex you just want him to be a part of his daughter's life but that doesn't mean he can't be a father figure too.Tell him that he can come with you and you will meet your ex somewhere half way between where he lives and you live,so he doesn't have to come to your house.Neither of our ex's are allowed on this property we both have kid's with ex spouses.It works fine that way.Tell him that his step daughter is not trying to replace him she just wants to see her dad and build a relationship.Its very hard in a situation like this because you love your husband and you want to respect him but you also don't want to cheat your daughter and make her hate you by not letting her see her dad.As a police officer he should know this behaviour is totally irrational and you should bring that up to him,stress very much that you want no kind of relationship with the ex that you will take your daughter drop her off and go back and get her he can go too if that makes him more comfortable.You can make this work if your husband is willing to stop being childish and step up and be a man about it.People do it everyday I do it every other weekend with my stepdaughter and my daughter plus I have a new baby.It can be done if everyone involved will grow up and stop acting like kid's themsleves....good luck

Answer 8

Your husband needs to realize that you had a relationship prior to your marriage. He can't ignore the fact that your ex is the father of you daughter. I think it's really inconsiderate on his part in the first place to fight in front of a child. It shows immaturity and disrespect. This is going to be a tough decision for you, if you stay will the fighting continue or do you get out of this because of the fighting. Tell your husband in private how you feel and you can't imagine what he feels with your ex showing up on your doorstep. If your ex is trying to get back in your life, that might be the concern your husband may feel he's going to lose you. Go with your heart on this one and life's too short to be unhappy.

Answer 9

Your husband is probably mad because you had communication with your ex and because he came over to the house instead of calling and making some kind of arrangement to see his daughter. Perhaps he may feel threatened by the fact that your ex is out and that you might still hold feelings for him. You should sit down and talk to him and let him know that this man is your daughter's father. I don't know if you have given your ex any visitation rights or not, but if you have you need to let your husband know that your ex is going to be seeing your daughter.

Answer 10

Wow, sounds like your hubbie is threatened by your daughters "sperm donor" Let him know, with out your daughter present that he is her "dad", if that's how your relationship is going. You may have to contact a lawyer and work out some kind of visitation with your ex. but you must let him know that just dropping by will not be tolerated and that you have your own life now. If you can work it out satisfactorly between the three of you then do that. Otherwise make sure your husband knows that he's more important to you than your ex and that you love him. If the control lasts or gets worse then you need to think about the safety of you and your daughter and get out of the relationship. I don't think it will come to that.