Should I stay or should I go?

Question

Married for 6 years with 2 kids. I love my husband but more like a close friend and not like a lover. I can't make myself love him like he needs me to and it's been hurting him. We have been mutually agreeing that I should go but if I leave I will feel bad for my kids. What should I do?

Answer 1

What would you advise your children to do if they found and important project hard to do? Give up?

At the risk of being blunt, you are viewing marriage and family as if it is disposable or easily exchanged like a pair of shoes that doesn't quite feel right.

At some point, you did fall in love with your husband. Why not retrace those steps together and work like you have no alternative but to make it work?

Work as if your life and your children's lives depend on it.

I guarantee that if you both view it that way, you will find a way to succeed - even if you need to get help.

Answer 2

Marriage goes through many stages of intimacy during the relationship. At times you are close friends, partners, and lovers. Sometimes these stages are not all at the same time, and because there are two of you they aren't always going to coincide. Just because at the moment you look at him as though he is just a close friend, doesn't necessarily mean you will always feel this way. It could take just one small moment and you will then feel as though he is your lover. Before you leave you should really ask yourself some tough questions, ie. are you willing to see him married to someone else? The kids, they will make it, but it's extremely hard for them. If it was me, I wouldn't rush, or seek another relationship to replace any voids at the present time. I am glad to hear that you have enough in your relationship that you can discuss this with each other in an amicable way, which I hope you keep that close in mind when making a decision. Best Wishes.

Answer 3

A close friend? Stay with him. Get counseling. Make it work. After 6 years of marriage, I know, things change. I am married 18 years and it has been up and down and there has been times when neither of us "feel" like we are in love. But we are. And you guys are too. After some years of marriage and children, marriage takes a different direction and it is all in the process of marriage and growth. I would much rather have my husband as a close friend and lover, but I wouldn't complain and doubt my relationship, especially that I do not hear any signs of infidelity.

Answer 4

I have been married 19 years and we have 4 kids. I was in your same situation as I felt I did not love my husband as he deserved. I know for a fact that we would make better friends than spouses. But when you have children involved and there is no physical or mental abuse, you need to try to make it work. Go to counseling, go on a vacation together (without the kids), look at the benefits of marriage, and most of all find all the good qualities in your husband. Remind yourself of why you married him. Look at how great he treats the kids, remember no other man will every love your kids the same as their own father. Make an honest list of the pros and cons of staying married and getting divorced. If you truly feel you will be better off without him, then decide if it is going to be worth putting your children through this. The children will eventually adapt to the situation, but you and your husband must make an extra effort to help them in the most positive and nuturing way you can. Love is not something that comes overnight and stays forever. It must be catered to and taken care of on daily basis. Marriage is very hard work and sometimes you feel as though you have more down times than up times. But believe me when I tell you that if this man loves you and treats you as his queen, your love for him will eventually come. So please don't give up on your marriage so soon.

Answer 5

If you both have a mutual agreement and are not feeling fufilled then you should leave..my child's mother and I was in the same situation and I cant speak for her but I didn't feel appreciated nor did I feel I could live up to my potential with her.. I moved on but since it was never any hostility .[. it is a period of time truthfully you go through your hurt but time heals all .. ] after some time we decided to act civil and have outings together for my son's sake and became good friends in the process.. no games - no on going conversations about issues just mutual respect from both ends with a humble understanding of the sitation.. all that will come with time.. staying is just going to prolong the process and believe me it's going to get worse before it get's better. Make arrangements as far as the kids and stick with them. Kids are best delt with when told teh truth everything else is up to a higher power just do the best you can to keep peace and maintain your peace of mind.. You're no good to anyone if you're not stable.

Answer 6

Marriage is something you have to work at. You are an adult and made an adult decision when you were married and when you had a children. You know you need to show more interest in your husband but choose not to. Sounds like you have someone on the side and are just waiting on your husband to kick you out, that way he is the bad one and you don't have to feel guilty for leaving your family behind for your own selfish reasons.

Answer 7

Try counseling, You should always try what you can to make a marriage work before you end it. You just might need some time alone together. A lot of couples feel the way you do after the kids come, they didn't keep up the together time and the kids take over
lives completely but they don't allow that space for just them. I hope you can give couseling a try it really can help.

Answer 8

It happens to all married couples, well, most that I know. I know how you feel, was in the same situation. I chose to try to fall in love again because my children deserve to have both their parents together, happily together. Some days are great, some crappy, but we chose to make a happy life for our children and put our feelings on the back burner until our kids are grown and who knows we might just find that we still love each other. Good luck, it's a decision that only you can make and having children weighs a lot on your mind, I know.

Answer 9

I think you need to stay for the kids. Its not good for the kids to see one parent go and to be bounced back and forth in 2 homes. I know i see how it affects my sisters kids. You may not love him but you should at least wait till the kids are old enough to make a decision too. Plus after you leave you may regret it.

Answer 10

A close friend is better, than a bad husband. I think you should stay, although you want to go. Try a little harder. Because once you get out there and find out there are a whole bunch of jerks out there, you'll say once you were lucky to have someone like him.