If I am unhappy, but pregnant, should you stay?

Question

I am pregnant, 3 months almost, to a guy that I married in November. We both are in the military and met in June when we went to boot camp. After boot camp we went to the same command to attend our A schools and we spent all our time with one another. I thought I was in love, but now that I am married to him he has told me so many things about why he married me, such as I only married you so I would know that you weren't sleeping around, I only married you to keep you with me, and stuff like that.

I'm really confused. He isn't always nice to me, and when I get an attitude with him he thinks it's because there is another man around. He don't understand that pregnancy causes mood swings. He just acts like a jerk to me. He keeps saying that when I go home for leave for a couple days next month that I'm not coming back to him, I am staying home and filing for a divorce and leaving the military and him behind.

What does it mean when he has such little doubt in me?

I have suggested we go to counseling, and he says "Why, our marriage is fine we don't need any outside help."

It's like he just don't want to try. He's even told me if you want out there's the door. I just don't know what to do.

Just to add, he is 22 and I am 18. I joined the military when I was still 17. He has a baby from a previous relationship, and my husbands mother takes care of it.

Answer 1

it means that you guys got married too fast and should have gotten to know each other A LOT better before getting married.

i dated a guy like this and we were engaged. no matter what i did i could not convince him that i loved him and was not cheating. i quit my career to work p/t and be around more. i moved in with him. i agreed to marry him. i lost contact with all my friends. i got depressed and realized that he had just sucked all the life out of me. i felt like a shell of a person. i rarely laughed and i rarely smiled. i felt distant, even, from my family.
once i realized what had happened i left. i made a clean break and got out. it was awful. i am convinced that if i would have stayed that i probably would have ended up getting beaten. maybe not right away, but eventually the fist would have hit me.

SO, i recommend you think long and hard about your marriage and if you think something could fix it. you could go to counseling in town and remain anonymous, so the mil doesn't know.
if you don't think counseling would work, then get out of the marriage. seek help from your superiors and explain that you need some help to get out of your marriage. go to legal and ask for assistance to file for divorce.

you have a great support system in the military and just remain focused on the baby and your career. you can do it.

take care.

p.s. i tried counseling with my ex and he didn't feel that he should have been there so it was pointless. we went a few times and then stopped b/c it can't work if you both aren't on board.

i would get out of the relationship and move on. it'll be hard, but you can do it.
plus, i'm a military wife and yes, the military marriage is hard, but you have to be SOLID to survive a mil marriage...not rocky, like you guys.

i hope you get help and find a support system for yourself and the baby. your responsible for you and that baby, now. make sure the baby has a good life. the power to do that is in you!

Answer 2

Whether or not he wants to get counseling -- you do it for yourself.

I don't want to scare you, but I had to same situation. It just started out as being a little controling, just as you mentioned. I would have never believed, nor would his buddies, in a million years that it would eventually escalate to violence. I didn't want him to get arrested and jeopardize his career. I know some people won't agree with that. But that was my choice. I did however, end up leaving.

You may find, like I did, when I tried to go to counseling on my own, that he'll Object. It's usually when you try loosen the grip, get some help, or leave, the situation worsens. Make some phone calls. United Way is free and confidential to use and can give you some referrals. (United Way even has programs where if you're in the military, they can give you a low interest loan for an emergency.) If nothing else then, talk to your OB/GYN about it. That's where help started for me.

It's a good idea to have an escape plan and a safe place arranged to go, just in case. I know you don't think it will come to that...but it is best to be prepared in life just in general. Take precautions.

Statistically, murder is the number one cause of death for pregnant women in the USA. Did you know that? I didn't. Not before me and my unborn child almost became a number. I would have NEVER believed that would happen to me or EVER with him. Never say Never.

Get some help. You need it.

May God keep you and your little one safe from harm. And give you the strength and wisdom to make the right decisions to keep you all healthy, alive and thriving. Prayers alone won't help. Action is required.

Answer 3

I am going to assume you are both no more than 20. Getting married so young and without knowing each other makes things much harder. He seems immature, and controlling. The things he's said make no sense at all. Being married isn't going to stop you from doing anything you want, it's just a paper the will is in the heart. HIs behavior is a big concern to me, his comments are those of a person who is controlling and can or may become more controlling, and maybe even abusive. Obvioulsly he's insecure. I would say wait a little longer and see what happens, but your hormones don't cause his stupid comments. If you're not happy, and you are sure you can't work it out, then it's better you move on before it becomes intollerable for the both of you. Maybe you can prevent a lot of bitterness, and still raise this child together. There's no reason why you can't raise the child and not be married. It's just a little harder, as long as you are both willing and flexible.

Answer 4

Think about if you are being to emotional. I know the thought crossed my mind while i was pregnant to leave my husband because of lies he was telling me. I stuck around because I did not want my child to grow up with out his father. I loved my husband very much but I was having a hard time dealing with his lies. I was also very emotional so it was a very hard time. I did stay with him and we worked on our problems. After we had our son our lives and relationship changed dramatically. We were so in love with each other and we were able to put the past behind. Marriage is not easy especially when there is a baby on the way. If he is truly that bad then you need to think about what is important for you and your baby. I am a strong advocate for fighting for a marriage to work and so far our efforts have paid off. Only you can say what the right thing for you to do is. You have to think about if your love for him is worth fighting for, is he worth putting up the fight. He sounds like he needs some help with self esteem and if you love him then you will work through it with him. But if you are done and not in love with him anymore then you need to get out before the baby gets here. It is more harmful to the baby to be in a loveless marriage so you need to make up your mind. I also know that things can change and I am so happy that I stayed with my husband. We are such a happy little family and I wish that for everyone. It sounds like you have already made up your mind, but I would ask him the questions that you are asking us. Why does he have doubt in you? Have you given him any reason to be so insecure? Why does he tell you those horrible things about why he married you? But only you and he know those answers and I wish the best for you.

Answer 5

The problem is within himself: insecurity and so on. He's got "issues"! He's got to make an effort or this can't last--it isn't healthy.

That said, EVERYONE has faults, and marriages never last if they think they have to be happy every day the rest of their lives! Even the best marriages have highs and lows.

Please try counseling and marital books first, for your child's sake, like at least 6 months. Military covers counseling, so don't wait!!! He needs to understand the damage he's causing and how to improve.

www.marriagebuilders.com has great articles and questionnaires, and Dr. Harley's books are great. John Gottman has good marriage books too. See the base library to save costs.

If you try your best and it works out, that's great. If you try your best and it ends in divorce because of him, you'll have a clear conscience. You can't control him, only yourself.

If you see him make an honest effort to improve over time, keep trying. Military life is very hard on marriages. What will he think when one of you is deployed? Does he think you'll cheat because that's what he'd do?

I'm sorry for your situation.

Edited to add--if he won't go to counseling, go without him!!! You need support, and to know what is about you that got yourself in this situation, so you can be healthier too.

Answer 6

Like you, my husband and I met in the military. I got out when we had our son, but he's still in. Military marriages can be hard sometimes. But that doesn't even sound like the issue here. Sounds like your hubby has some serious trust issues. I would definitely recommend marriage counseling. You guys should really try to figure things out before the baby is born. Otherwise, it's your child who will suffer for it. He/she deserves to grow up in a loving, caring home where the parents treat each other with respect. I would also recommend you read the book, 'A Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy.' I read it when I was preggy and it really helped me out a lot! It covers everything a girl can go thru!

Answer 7

When you get married, you vow to stay together "until death," not "until I don't feel happy." If you're unhappy, then get happy. Improve your marriage by improving yourself and by improving the way you communicate with your husband. Start having rational discussions with your husband in which you address his insecurities and tell him either to tell you how to make him feel OK, or else to stop bringing them up. Additionally, he wants to treat you like property, so be sure not to inform him that you are not his property. When he says that you are going to divorce him when you go on leave, say, "Bet me. I'll bet you $500 right now that I don't divorce you." Call his bluffs! Stop being a doormat and make him prove that he really believes his statements, and tell him if he can't put his money where his mouth is then to shut up and stop being such an insecure little child.

Answer 8

Seems like he is very insecure, not to mention jealous.
Although I'm not a big fan of divorce, I think that maybe you both jumped into marriage a bit quickly.
Even though you want to leave him, your always going to have to share your life with him because of the baby.
Try to get some consoling, he might be struggling with issues that your not even aware of hence making with act this way towards you.
Talk first, divorce later.

Answer 9

It means he resents you and getting married. I don't think he was ready for commitment. He could also be jelous or confused about becoming a father now. You are in a time that you need to think about yourself and the baby you are carrying. Since he has said that you are not going back to him when you go home then just stay with your family and people who do love you and will help you during your pregnancy.

Answer 10

Well - You are really young and at any age that's a lot to deal with. We have the freedom of choice and we decide at the end what is best for us. In your situation you have two people to worry about - you and your baby. You need to ask yourself and decide - Am I happy with him? Is it worth staying with someone your unhappy with and is having this baby healthy for you and the baby? Bringing a child into an unhappy situation is not fair to that baby. There's always hope. You can be a single mom and be ok or be a single mom and be miserable. You have choices.