I will divorced for a year in March. I got divorced because one day I came home ...?

Question

I came home from work and opened the mail and found that my ex(now,then wife) moved money from our joint account into her own account. She also had a large car accident settlement and did not tell me about it. I did not want the money but I thought we could at least discuss what to do with it i.e. retirement, kids college etc. I filed for divorce, got joint custody and my share of the proceeds from the house. We tried to work it out but when I said let's go to counseling she said only if we do not discuss what happened to the money. To this day I do not know why she did it. I never cheated on her or abused her and had a good job as I still do now. I am trying to let go about the whole matter but it still eats away at me that someone I was married to for 13 years would do this. I go to counseling and it helps. Any other suggestions to work on to make the pain go away?

Answer 1

That an odd reason to divorce a person. The only thing that I can tell you is that time will heal the pain. Just give it sometime. One way you can help the pain is to start dating again. Good luck.

Answer 2

The divorce is still fairly new and after 13 years don't expect it to be easy. But you basically found out that you were married to a dishonest person so who knows what else she held back so remember it could have been worse. Remember everything happens for a reason and time heals all wounds. I don't know whether or not you are a spiritual person, but if you are pray about it everyday and ask God to help you through it. Also go ahead and forgive her and then you will also amazed at how much better you will feel, because in a way you are not only hurt but angry so forgiveness is the key. GOOD LUCK!

Answer 3

Doesn't that just make you NEED to know the reason? That'd make me nuts, "not discuss what happened to the money." Not discuss why she made a major family decision on the sly? Put you at risk financially? Is dishonest about a major event in her life? Phooey on that.
If it were me, I'd say:
"we find a counselor we BOTH like, you spill your guts privately about your actions & motives with the money, and if the counselor thinks I should 'let it go', I'll work on that. If counselor says we need to get into those issues, you work on that." That's a halfway point, the give-and-take you need in order for therapy of a couple to be effective. You can find peace by counseling alone, but to be bonded in a union, it'll take two. If she's unwilling, that's the writing on the wall, things'll likely go downhill, for there's not enough trust.
Best wishes for mutual honesty and growth.

Answer 4

Keep in counciling. It will get better with time. My ex got money from his grandma and mother's estate, who I helped take care of for almost a year that was bedridden. He never shared any information on how much he got or what he did with it. He forged my name on several car titles, he forged my name on 6 notes against my home. He purchased carpet for his mothers home out of our joint account and we then did not have the money to pay for the daughter college tutition one semester. I spend 37 years putting up with that stuff. He purchased cars and trucks and motorcycles like they were candy , yet he did not work 33% of our marriage I got that job. He had his own private checking account I found out about . So, I finally had to get my own account. He was too busy having affairs to work. I too never cheated on my ex. I have been divorced two years in December .The hurt and betrayal you feel is terrible. I feel like I will never trust again. I don't know if I will ever trust again. The hurt does get better, you see your ex in the light of what did you really lose. A liar, a thief and a cheat. We deserve more than that in our live. You are a good person , and you just had a self centered dishonest person in your life. Just take a day at a time keep in counciling . Life does go on and is going to get better. We already have been thur hell, we are now headed for the good times life has in store for us. Good luck and God Bless. Keep your head up you are a good person.

Answer 5

Saving up money may be a precursor to a divorce, but there may be one other thing I can think of, and that's her upbringing.
If she came from a family with certain attitudes about money, either too much or too little, if it was used to control or empower, that may have rubbed off on her. Sometime the person who does this may not even realize how unfair or strange her behavior is, it just leaves the other person shaking his head and wondering why, but you cant' have an answer because she may not know the underlying reasons for her feelings about money herself. You can't change her, but you can stop feeling it is something you did, you aren't responsible for her idiocy. She is.

Answer 6

we do learn from our hurts, sometimes the hard way, u just didn't know her even after all those years. she needed to discuss things with u, going to counseling would help but if she is going to refuse to talk about what has hurt u than u need to get out of this marriage, stop trying, the pain is something that leaves us but it's a process there is really no time limit on it, it happens when we accept what they did to us, and when we get out of denial and begin seeing that person for who they really are. she is not honest, kind nor does she have any respect for u.

Answer 7

It is hard really. I have been there. Try to make new friends go out enjoy and then you will see life is better without. Now you think that it can not be any worse than that but when you will think only about yourself you will the life is great. Take a holiday go to parties and spend time with you for you only. You must be always the first.
Take care.

Answer 8

I've so been in a similar situation! I was so upset for a long time. I started to feel like I needed ANYONE to fill his place. I went from a happy home to alone at a moments notice. Thank God I had family and friends that wouldn't let me settle. I moved in with a girl friend of mine and just started to focus on making ME happy. As soon as I stopped worrying about getting another guy I met my husband that had no problem committing and taking care of our wonderful family. I think that my ex was right for telling me before he wasted anymore of my life. Although it was completely shitty... Your ex did you a favor. He saw that you two wanted completely different things for your life and he ended it before an innocent child was brought into world were their dad never wanted him. Take care of yourself, maybe get a room mate or pet. You're next husband will pay for your ex's mistakes just like mine had to. But if they pass the test, they are truly your soul mate.

Answer 9

There is no easy answers for getting the pain to go away. But first you have to acknowledge that the whole thing was painful.
Second recognize what you did or did not do to contribute to the problem.
Third: Allow yourself time to grieve and feel the pain.
Fouth. Make a decision to let it all go..... open your heart and mind to new possibilities.

Answer 10

I think the answer to what happend is related to "what happend to the money".. she does not want to discuss this, perhaps she has a gambling addiction, drug addiction-- something she is using money for. Maybe knowing will give you closure or perhaps help her solve her problem.

If I were you I would just try to move on if you can't work through the relationship.. for your own mental well being. Good luck to you!