How do you like this poem?

Question

Prisoner



Gently stepping in this world
Hesitantly and unsure

Getting caught up in the storm

Dispersed and tired lying on the ground
By the rough sea

Stuck on an arid land
Prisoner in the shallow crowd

Struggling with the inner self
At conflict with the self and with the crowd
Separated from the crowd by a wall
Not alone in isolation but isolated in a crowd

Attempting to define oneself time and time again
In disappointment crying out in the rain

Trapped in a crowd yet free in the mind
The real self trying to find
The confidence we left somewhere behind

Answer 1

I think this is an improvement over the last poem I read of yours. There is some definite potential in this one.

Again, I would suggest leaving out some of the heavily connotated words ('self' and 'mind' in this poem) or use them and back them up with more solid imagery.

Also, it seems that there are huge changes in theme for such a short piece. For this number of lines, I would expect a sharper focus.

Some good stuff: "Dispersed and tired lying on the ground" and "Prisoner in the shallow crowd". I liked these specific lines though I'd rearrange the words in the former line (only slightly). And after reading it again (for the fith time), I really like "Trapped in a crowd yet free in the mind" because you can read it as if the crowd is trapping "yet" is still free in their minds. Interesting.

As one of the other answerers suggested, read more poetry. It doesn't hurt to learn some of the conventions. Take some classes. Some writers of poetry often deride the 'workshop' poem, though I think it's one of the more valuable ways of learning about yourself and how you write. Just don't take what everyone else says as law (kinda like on Answers).

Read... and not just poetry. Grow your vocabulary because poetry is sometimes all about word choice.

And rhyming is all about personal preference and the mood you may wish to establish.

I noticed your rhyming triplet, by the way.

Answer 2

Poems don't have to rhyme, but they should have structure.. It's good creatively, but I reccomend you read some poetry, and maybe take a poetry class to learn about formatting... Once you've learned that, you can creatively "break the rules". Don't stop writing though! You have something to say, and that's what's most important. Plus, if you keep doing it, you'll get better and better at it. Don't get discouraged, and your'e smart to ask for opinions... Just be sure to keep an open mind, and listen to people you trust.

Answer 3

You have great thoughts but when reading this poem as a whole, it's like you're jumping around... it doesn't flow smoothly. Maybe if you add more "why's", like why do you feel tired??? Why by the rough sea??? This poem seems a bit raw, that's all. I hope this helps you. Thanks for sharing your creativity.

- A poem doesn't need to rhyme but you probably already knew that. (^-*)

Answer 4

For me a poem has to have rhythm. It would not inevitably ought to rhyme even though it needs to hit my thoughts. i imagine readability of expression is significant as well. i do not pick to 2d wager what i'm interpreting about. I continually seem for what I time period "poetic gem stones"interior the textual content.

Answer 5

I loved this!
I only have this comment about rhyme: In my personal opinion, poetry has to rhyme because music is an essential element of poetry. It's always better to put thoughts with no rhyme in prose, this is just my personal opinion, so try to put it in prose. Other than that, I think its amazing seriously :).

Answer 6

It's the true description of an intellectual, artist man. I like it.

Answer 7

I'm sorry, but nothing rhymes; therefore, it is not a poem.

Answer 8

Hey nice poem. i love it.

Abbie