Best ways to stop someone from verbally abusing you?

Question

What are the best ways to stop someone from verbally abusing you. When walking away isn't always an option. I need to speak to him about my son at some point, and he just rages and name calls. Even on the computer, phone, with people present...and any wonderful ideas on how to stop myself from shaking and trembling everytime I have to deal with him?

Answer 1

Dear Daisy,

I'm a former law enforcement officer. And getting verbal abuse was part of my daily life, and I assure you, it's not pleasant being on the receiving end of it. But during my years doing that job, it gave me a better perspective on people who do abuse others, so I hope I'll be able to help you.

First of all, you sound to me like you're a very passive person. You are non-confrontational. There's nothing wrong with that, whatsoever. But when dealing with a person who is confrontational, you have to use different tactics, or they will walk all over you.

I'm assuming that this is the father of your child, because you mentioned that you had need of talking to him on occasion about your son. So I will go with that.

This man "rages" and "name calls" because it is a means of controlling you. It is a power thing. He knows it works because he can see it's results in you, so that seems to be his preferred method of dealing with you. And that seems to ring true, because you stated that it causes you to "shake and tremble". He is certainly achieving the desired results. Ok, now it's time to turn the tables in your favor.

I realize that you're in need of "talking" to him. But I want you to begin doing this on YOUR terms, not his terms. When he rants and becomes hostile with you, tell him that you're not going to listen to the abuse and tell him that the phone call is terminated until he can speak to you with a civil tongue. Then hang up immediately. If he calls back, check for his tone, if he continues to attempt to control, hang up again. Do this until he decides you're not going to communicate until his tone changes.

E-mails- You have control over e-mails. It's called "blocking". YOU control what comes into your box. Until he can send a civil note, block him. When he decides to be a good boy, allow the mail once again.

People present- ALWAYS deny him an audience. He thrives on abusing you publically to humiliate you. It's a control technique. NEVER engage in any conversation with him that becomes out of control when others are present. Always set up the place of communication yourself, never let him dictate those terms.

Another option- Temporary restraining order. That includes phone, e-mail, visiting, etc. Tell the courts that you are in a constant state of abuse with this man, and that you fear it could escalate. There is a reason why I suggest this to you. First of all, I'm quite sure he does not need legal problems, neither does he want to risk going to jail. And I doubt seriously that he has the backbone to act this way in front of a judge who has the authority to lock him up! And this also gives you the degree of control you need over him, not the other way around.

I know you're passive, and I know you're trying to do the right thing calmly, but when you're dealing with a person who has a controlling personality, then you need to obtain control over them, or you will continue to be in an abusive situation. When you gain the upper hand, then he will be forced back to the negotiation table, and hopefully he will have installed a more civil tongue in his mouth!

Hope this helps you. Please, don't be victimized anymore. You can be passive, because that's who you are, but when you need to seize control and put bridle and bit in the mouth of your abuser, take the steps to do so! And don't tremble, make him tremble. You will sleep better at night, trust me.

Best wishes!

Answer 2

Go to counseling. If you love him, that is the only way to get the abuse to stop, and even that isnt a sure thing. Men who abuse women in any way (be it verbal or physical, sexual or any other abuse) have issues with themselves that they need to work out. It would also sound like the two of you have issues as a couple if you cant get him to sit and talk with you about it honestly. Staying with him at this point really isnt healthy for you, but I can understand that you dont want to give up on something you have spent 3 years on. If he refuses to see a counselor there really is no way that you yourself can make his behavior stop... its not something simple like his other bad habits ( burping at the table, leaving the seat up etc etc) its a major issue that could take years for him to work out. Often verbal abuse leads into physical abuse...just be careful and weigh your decision carefully. Personally I would leave him, but if working it out is really what you want to do I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 3

This is sort of a two part question, so I will address each in reverse order. As I take it, your first question is how to discourage, or even stop the behavior. The second question is what can you do for yourself to build confidence when confronting him.

I will address the second question first, as it is probably the more important of the two. In order to build your confidence, you must begin by calming yourself. There are many easy ways to do this, such as breathing exercises, or counting/distraction techniques, and each is very effective. However, what might serve you the best in this capacity, since he is someone you will need to speak with semi-regularly, is to try taking martial arts and begin learning to meditate. Martial Arts will build your confidence, and allow you to feel safer in this situation. Meditation will help by providing you with a method of emotional control and mental relaxation.

As for the first question. The behavior will only stop once you have established control. Due to insecurities, he will continue this behavior in order to try to enforce a sense of superiority and dominance. This is not to say that you need to go kick his butt. Quite the contrary. You simply need to step into the Alpha position, by showing that you cannot be badgered or abused. Instead of stepping back and cowering, stand up to him and confront his verbal abuse. Only then will he begin to back down. Right now, he has no reason to, because the effect he seeks is working.

Answer 4

Ask him several times to repeat what he just said . They usually begin to tone it down around the third time they have to repeat it .
Try a long pause . He can not verbally abuse you if you do not let him .Do not let him ruffle your feathers . When he does that to you in fron t of others , he's using them for his "power" .You might say , "there you go again , trying to embarrass me if front of others ". Ask how he would like it if you embarrassed him in front of others .
If you can not get it together to stop shaking when you must deal with him because of his rages - you may want to pass messages thru a reliable source for both of you -like a parent . I would let him know in a calm voice , that he is no longer allowed to try and intimidate or verbally abuse you .Give advance warning that you will not subject yourself to anymore rants or rages . From now on you will relay messages thru so-and-so . When he sees that you are no longer willing to be his target child , he'll have respect . He may not be able to control his rages - but at least you will not be the one dealing with them . Bullies don't play fair .Don't put yourself thru that .

Answer 5

Sounds like it is your boyfriend. When I was married my husband never verbally abused me. Now I have a boyfriend who plays head games with me. It all started out great put me on the pedestal and pretty much took me out of life. He talks about my adult children who are great kids. He has two adult children also and three grand kids...and I have never said anything about them. So what I do is just let him go on and on and on then when he is done....I just end up attacking him back verbally and tell him I do not want to see him anymore. Not great advice but it seems to work because he ends up apologizing and calls me and wants me back. I don't even know what to do he can be the nicest guy on the planet but boy when he starts up about things I don't feel too comfortable to be around him at those times. So sometimes I just try and overlook or just pretend to listen..sometimes these guys are just jerks and sometimes they also need to be heard...I must admit I dump alot on him too. Good luck I think we both need to get out of these unhealthy relationships but damn it's hard!

Answer 6

If it is about child custody or something get a court appointed liaison, or refuse to have any contact with him unless in court. You do NOT have to put up with that, and the law can help you. There is no reason why you should have to put up with that or agree and pretend in those situations! Get a restraining order if you have to. Good luck hun, he sounds like an ***.

Answer 7

Whatever he says about you, just agree with him "yep...I am" that will really get him. He will not have any recourse.