Judge me all you want...but you dont know the whole story?

Question

Ok so maybe I need advice, or maybe I just need to get this off my chest. Yes I am with a married man, I am separated myself. Yes she knows, doesnt appreciate it but only because she is all about playing the perfect family role, but they are not happy and are "stuck". We dont rub it in her face he tries to respect her and the family, they play the role basically. She doesnt do a darn thing for him except make for more stress, more work, less rest (he is a full time cop and medic with little time off) Before you say he doesnt deserve anything, she's driving a brand new loaded minivan, he makes sure she has a good xmas and bday, makes family time mainly for the kids.They arent in love anymore. But I am in love with him, The time he makes for me is priceless, and Im happy when I can make life a little easier for him in anyway. He loves me I know this. I just need to know if ANYONE understands or can relate. Its been 2 years I couldnt let go if I wanted to. Keep judgments you never know.

His wife and I were friends...so yes I know both sides. We arent friends because our personalities dont mesh and I lost alot of respect for her when she neglected a major medical issue with one of their kids resulting in the child losing hearing, and has done similar things such as wait a week after they get sick, when they are worse to go to a dr, but when she had a stomach issue had every test known to man...EEG EKG, muscle reaction, cat scans blood work even colonoscopy..you name it...nothing ever came of the abdominal pain it just went away but every other system was healthy too. She has the kids put thru unnecessary testing for nothing but doesnt take them for a legit illness. So us not being friends has nothing to do with him being with me but with her as a person.

Answer 1

As for judging you I will leave that up to the Master. It
seems like a good love story but only on your part as you
speak for you and for him also. Just remember he still
has a wife and you are on borrowed time with him. Al-
though you feel good now , you really can't say how it will
turn out in the end. Marriage is between two people and
you are the third so that automatically puts you as the
outcast. If he goes out with you now what's to say that
later he will do to you what you are doing to his wife as
you are having a realtionship with a married man. No
matter what kind of problems he has with his wife he is
with his wife: You will know for sure if they are not in love
anymore when they are divorced and he is totally comm-
itted to you 100percent. Right now you don't have that.
So be prepared and just remember if it doesn't work out
then you will know why.. Feelings sometime can get in
the way of truth. Take care.

Answer 2

This happens a lot and many people can relate but it still doesn't make it right for anyone involved. he is cheeting you also. It has been two years and he hasn't decided to leave his wife to be with you or let you go to be with his wife and are you sure there are only you two involved. Is there a question that there could be anymore. If anything else think of the kids involved and how you would feel if you were them and then go what you are most comfortable with.

Question, you worry about be judged, but I am sure you only have one side of the story and that is his. You are judging his wife by what he says, not by the whole story, so are you sure you aren't be judgmental and are you feeling a littel defensive and guilty yourself. Self judgment is the hardest.

Answer 3

Not only have become a homerecker but now your man is leeping around with you and more than likely his wife. While you may say you don't want anyone judging you cause they aren't you. You are just like every other hoe. Except instead of spreading your legs, you bend over. If he really wanted to be with you and loved you he would end it wit his wife. If the kids are so important to him, he wouldn't have destroyed his family by cheating. He'd be a man and leave and use his custody rights as a parent. Either he is ashamed to come out, or he is ashamed of you. Either way you both ar losers.

Answer 4

Are you really looking for honesty with no judgements? Because I see you making judgements of her, her parenting and her motives -- wouldn't you consider that making judgements. That to me seems unfair and you sound like you are trying really hard to justify the animosity between you. This just seemed a little hypocritical of you. Let's really be honest, here. And for your own good. I don't want to come off sounding harsh, I would really like you to have an open mind and be honest with YOURSELF.

I will start by saying I have been on both sides of the coin in this situation. So you will get the brutal truth, but the truth none-the-less.

It has been 2yrs. Nobody is "stuck" unless they want to be. If the shoe were on the other foot and you were the one married, I think you would have filed for divorce and have gone to be with the man you love come hell or highwater, would you not? Don't be a fool and find reasons to justify why he has chosen not to leave his wife. I believe he loves you, but he loves her too. So far he is getting everything he wants -- the comfort and security of family, having a wife who will satisfy his needs at home and he also has a girlfriend whom he loves very much to satisfy his need for excitement and provide him an "escape" when the pressures are high. The two of you are being used and it's working out for his convienence.
You seem to feel that you know that they are both miserable in their marriage and staying together in order to continue with the appearance of a happy family -- Marriage is constantly a work in progress and filled with a roller coaster of ups and downs, but love is staying together and working them out. Don't look at this as opportunity to find weakness in their marriage for opportunity to fulfill your own desires. The best thing to do is to step back, and allow the marriage to disolve on it's own (if thats what is meant to happen). Or you can continue wasting years of your life for a man who can never give you what you want. He is not the "end all, be all" of men. You can find one of your own that you don't have to share!!
p.s. He is a cop -- I work with cops. If you are not in law enforcement yourself, you are in WAY over your head!!! It's very common for them to have a "something" on the side. They go to war everyday, they need the distraction and the "escape" and the fantasy that an affair provides for them.
BE HONEST with yourself. You deserve more than being the other woman. Love yourself first and don't tolerate anything less than you deserve!!! The right man is out there, waiting to meet you.

Answer 5

I will tell you the same thing I told my ex wife.Those moments you spend with him are stolen moments that belong to another person.When the two of you are together things are good because both of you know that time is short and problems can't get in the way.As long as both of you are slipping around to see each other it will always be exciting.More than likely if something were to happen and the two of you became a couple out in public your views of each other would change.When you start having a life together and bills start coming in,the day to day grind irritates you both your attitude towards each other will change also.It's hard to build a life from a fantasy world.It's even harder making a fantasy come to life.

Answer 6

I'm all for you!! I'm in a similiar situation. My mans wife left him and his 4 kids for another woman. He says they are divorced, but I'm not sure. He is a religious person so I tend to believe him. We love each other dearly. He is a lot younger than I am and it bothers me some. He is in debt beyond what you can imagine and works 2 jobs. I am a widow and financially stable. I do wonder if he is only after financial security or if he really loves me. When we're together I don't doubt his love, but when we're apart I wonder. Like you, I will never let him go. Hang in there!!

Answer 7

You say they aren't in love anymore, yet they still live together. Are you sure they don't love each other. If she left him and you have him to yourself, do you think he won't cheat on you? Ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life as a mistress. Wouldn't it be better to move on and have a good life without having to cheat? There are good single men out there. A married man should be hands off. Would you want to be married and have your husband publicly cheating and making a fool of himself and you too?

Answer 8

I knew a woman that was involved in a very similar situation for 20 years. Yes, 20 years he had his cake and ate it too. It was always something. One of the kids was sick, his wife may harm herself, etc. etc.. He passed away. She was 50 years old by then. She had also had a child by him during that time. He left nothing in his will for her or the child.

Answer 9

Once again, more proof that the religious right is full of sh*t when they talk about "protecting the sanctity of marriage" between a man and a woman.

I'm not casting stones here, as I am divorced as well. Just thought I would make the point.

Answer 10

Why should I judge you?Because at the end of the day,at the end of your life.You are the one that will be judged for the choices. You chose to make in your life.You are the one that will stand alone on judgment day..you are the one that will answer..for the choices you chose to make..not his wife..not her husband..Just you.You do not want people to judge you for being with a married man.Yet it seems to me.You are judging his wife in order to justify your relationship with her husband.It is your life.Your choices.I just hope you can justify it in the eyes of GOD.