I'm trying to be a good step mom to my new husbands 7yr old son but his ex wife hates this what am i to do

Question

tom deeply loves his only son and i really want to be part of his life too.the problem is toms exwife is very bitter,jealous of me as i have what she wants,tom.she controls/hangs on to tom the only way she can by using her son.she makes it very hard for me to be involved in her sons life.for example not allowed to be alone with him for any amount of time,can't have ANY contact with his school,dr's and the list goes on.this makes it very hard for me as we have him 50% of the time and tom has joint custody.tom has been divorced for over 5 yrs so the divorce is not "fresh" and i had nothing to do with it.the problem also is his ex "has him by the balls" so to say,he loves his son so much he will not stand up for me in fear it will hurt his son.what is the best way for ME to handle his exwife?

Answer 1

Ignore her. When she sees she isn't getting to you she'll find somebody else to be mean to.

Answer 2

1

Answer 3

This is a very common problem for second wives, so you're not alone. If your husband has 50% custody, then I don't think his ex can dictate what happens when the boy is with him, such as leaving him alone with you. As for contact with the school and doctors, leave it up to your husband.

The thing you have to remember is that no matter how much you may love the boy, he is not your son and not your responsiblity. Chances are his mother may be trying to convince him to not like you. So don't come on too strong with the boy, don't try to be a 'mother' to him.
Also be prepared for him to become a 'spy' for his mother, reporting everything you do. This is another common thing that happens in these situations.

Your husband may not ever stand up to the ex, or at least not for a few more years. If you nag him about it, he'll only come to resent you. Even though it will be hardest thing you've ever done, learn to bite your tongue and step back from the whole situation. It will drive you nuts seeing him jump thru hoops for his ex. But you have to realize that he probably won't change and you're going to have to learn to cope with it and not get sucked into all the drama.

Please consider joining these Yahoo groups, the members can give you advice and support because they are in the same shoes as you - stepmothers!
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Step-Support/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/stepmoms/
Good Luck!

Answer 4

I would either request a meeting with the ex-wife individually or with your husband there as well. You need to respectfully explain to her and/or them both how much you care for your husband and the child between him and his ex wife. Explain you have no desires to replace her, you know you never could. But you would like to be involved in his life to some level, because you've grown to love him as well. Tell her you understand that her and your husband are the parents, but you would like to assist in any manner. You can not allow her actions to corrupt your marriage because you love her son too. If you didn't care about her son it would be a different story, let her know that. But how could you truly love your husband without loving his child. I say it's damn near impossible. Your not the evil step mother that wants him shipped off to boarding school or somewhere. But you also must know there is only so much you can do, and your place is wife foremost, and stepmother second. As long as your husband and his son know your heart your family will survive.

Answer 5

We are in the same situation (technically) I met my now husband 10 years ago and his ex was having his child. They were not together anymore when we got together but she was having his baby. The ex hates me because she told me herself that I have the family that should have been hers. There is nothing we can do... they will always feel bitter about us. As long as we know in our hearts that we are doing the right thing, that is all we can do. Our husbands need to take control of the situation and make get us involved with the son. The son should be the only concern. But because the son comes into your home, your husband either needs to talk to his ex or there could be a deeper problem. They also need to respect you because you too take care of their son. You too grew to love their son like your own. I wrote the ex an email. As long as you said your peace that is all that matters.... Save everything if you write to her, email her... be humble. They will never like us but that's not our problem. We were not the cause of their separation. It's our husbands duty and respect to us to fix his past and continue with his future.

Answer 6

Hard question but possibly easy to solve. You are at one advantage, you dont have to act like a parent to this child, therefore you can be his friend. The ex wants to take all the responsibility for the boring things involved in your step sons life. Things such as the Dr and his school. Make yourself out to be a friend and confidant instead of a parent. As you know, many kids distance them selves from their parents only to be close to their aunt or uncle. So use this to your advantage. Make it where he can talk to you about anything, and because the ex doesnt want you involved with punishment or anything like that, then there is no reason to become upset about what he is telling you. You can act as his friend instead. Set up fun things to do, making dad see it as his idea and become his pal. Otherwise there is no way to handle this woman. A scorned ex is impossible to deal with so just have fun with him.

Answer 7

This is very hard situation but the only way that it's going to work is if your husband stands firm against his ex. What goes on in your own home is really no concern of the exwife unless it affects your stepson, negatively. Your time with your stepson is with your home and her time is with her own home. She does not control your home and your lives, as a family. Your husband needs to realize how important you are because your stepson is not only going to learn from his mom and dad, he will also learn from you as well and if he doesn't make it known how important you are then it will make it hard for your stepson to except you. Your husband needs to stand up to his exwife and stick by your side. He needs to tell her to respect his wife and realize that YOU ARE FAMILY to their son. You came into a readymade family, not a bad thing at all, and it is not your job to tell everyone to except it. It is your job to be FAMILY from the day you said I do. I know this is a hard situation but, with a strong marraige, you will make it. Take care of your home.

Answer 8

Continue showing the child that you really care about him
and want to be the best step mom you can be without
talking about his mom and the bad things she does. What
you need to do is talk to your husband and get him to talk
to his ex and tell him he needs to get her to back off be-
cause you are showing him how you are stepping in and
accepting his child when the child is with you. If your
husband is loving and caring about you then he will step
in and lay the law down on his ex. Do your part as you
are doing but let him know he has to do his part also to-
wards his ex, which he should be doing as now he is
married to you and you and his son are his priorities now.
Good luck.

Answer 9

you need to talk to your husband and tell him your feelings and he needs to talk to the ex and let them hash it out.. but being an ex my self as for the Dr's and school you have no rights its between the parent's and you may be a step mom but you are not mom, and may be can tell this to her let her know your not trying to be mom just a friend she may see things differently. my ex's new wife tried to take over and that didn't settle with me but when i talked to her about this and said put your self in my shoes what would you do.. and she shut up and did things differently so ask your self what it is she is seeing and then talk to your husband and then talk to her woman to woman....good luck its not an easy place to be but if you where in her shoes you would see its not easy for her either,.........

Answer 10

BE GRACIOUS.

Support your husband and do not make him choose between you or his son. That is not loving. When his ex is ranting on about you or whatever- ignore it. Her opinion of you doesn't matter- it's your husband's opinion that matters.

This is just a stinky situation and you need to make the best out of it. :) good luck

Answer 11

all this is too much have you called a family therapist to deal with all of you and TOM? You do not need to handle the ex as you are no part of her. HE is TOM needs to Hadle the ex and YOU need to handle tom.