Help with this introductory paragraph?? [[editing]]?

Question

Jack London’s “War” is an intense short story filled with suspense and irony. On a heated day, a young scout is sent on a mission to kill his enemies. When the young scout finally has a run-in with a thirsty ginger bearded man, he spares him with a heart full of compassion. At the end, the man who the young scout had spared turns out to be his enemy and shots him in the back. Evidently, through the young scout’s experience, the reader learns that there is no room for compassion when it comes to rivalry.

I need to make this stronger with stronger verbs/adjectives/nouns as well as make it more concise...please help!

Answer 1

"Intense, suspenseful, and ironic, Jack London's "War" takes the reader on a journey behind the eyes of a young scout in the midst of a war. When the scout comes across a ginger-bearded man in need of water, he compassionately spares the man's life, only to be killed by this man later. Clearly, there is no room for compassion when it comes to rivalry."

Saying that the piece is a short story is unnecessary, it's like saying "this letter is to inform you..." when the reader knows it's a letter already. Listing adjectives (and keeping them parallel) lends more emphasis to the object, rather than the adjectives themselves. "A heart full of compassion" is unwieldy, though poetic, so making compassion an adjective rather than a noun is more useful. "Evidently" suggests that you have no confidence in what you believe Jack London is saying, so using an adverb like "clearly" suggests that you support what you think 100% and are going to back it up with some hard facts.

Do improve this and make it your own.

Answer 2

Just a suggestion.....

Jack London’s “War” is an intense short story filled with suspense and irony where a young scout is sent on a mission to kill his enemies. When the young scout has a run-in with one of the enemy, a ginger bearded man, he compassionately spares him. In the end, the pardoned man turns shoots him in the back. The reader learns through the main character that there is no room for compassion when it comes to rivalry.

Answer 3

You know, I think you're doing a pretty good job and are on your way. Get away from this for a few minutes and do something else you enjoy. Then come back to it fresh and give it another shot. Maybe change gingered beard to peppery. Anyway, good luck.

Answer 4

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