i cant get over the fact that my husband cheated and preferred her over me. How can i over come this pain?

Question

been married 4 10yrs have 2 girls we starting having problems he wanted sometime off, eventually found out he was cheating it really hurts me. i love him so much that i still let him use me, why? how can i move on, how can i stop the urge of needing 2 talk 2 him, all he does is treat me bad & call me names & im still there whenever he says jump. I dont know how 2 say no 2 him, i love him but i cant take this anymore yet i practically begg him 2 want 2 work things out, i met a couple of male guys, i tried making friends but the interests wasnt there in both ways. I just want people 2 talk 2, i am not looking for someone else just meet new people. I have also made new girls friends, but he saw my cell phone bill and now blames me for having somethingto do with these 2 guys who i dont even talk 2 no more. what do i do? is it wrong of me meeting new people, is he right? how do i just move forward no matter how much it hurts? he doesnt even help me $$ wise. we are on our own!!!

i am not dating nor am i interested in dating, i just happened to have meet this 2 people who talked to a few times on the phone and didnt find myself having a conversation with them, that;s all!

Answer 1

The immediate question is are you separated or living separate lives? If you are, then there is nothing wrong with meeting/making friends.Just take it slow;Sounds like you may be more dependent on him than actually in love.You cant make someone love you who doesn't.Remember his cheating is not about you directly; he has issues of his own.
.sometimes the hardest part is letting go...Give him his freedom and build a life of your own.He may very well see what he is missing with you and come to his senses if not...But if he doesn't let him go.Hold your head up and call a good divorce attorney..I'll give you her number...!

Answer 2

As hard as it sounds... sometimes you just have to grin and bear it. You will find another guy, when you are not looking for one. So right now, concentrate on your two daughters. Give them 100% of your spare time and attention. Take really good care of yourself. There are good men out there like me and what they look for in a woman is one that takes good care of herself and her children if she has some from a previous marriage.

Get out of the house if you can. If you have family to stay with, grab your girls, all the stuff you can, and go live with your family. If that is out of the question, as you have no family near you, then seek the courts help. Tell the county child welfare department that you need assistance raising your two daughters because your soon to be ex-husband has cut off your access to money. If that's the fact.

When two incomes, become one it is difficult, because you were both sharing money to support your home, now you have only half the money and now a new home. You're going to have to make some sacrifices and give up a few things you were used to, atleast temporarily.

I was married 13 years and she decided to re-live her partying days, she met a couple guys, I tried to forgive her for the first affair but the second one was too much and I had to get a divorce. Money is tight, but this too shall pass.

I'm looking online now for a new love. Thought I'd try something differnet since the woman I want, I can't find in a bar or dance club. Those women are not looking for a serious relationship.

Love your kids, love yourself, everything else will fall into place.

Answer 3

Hi,

I understand your situation completely and hope things get better with you.

First things first- If he knows that YOU know about his extra-marital affair and gets upset when YOU talk to your friends(may not be boy friends, but just male friends), then he is wanting you to adjust to everything that he does without considering you as an individual who has her own life.

Now, lets talk about the problem of he cheating on you. What is it that you can think about would lead him to cheat on you? Is he not satisfied with you emotionally, physically or otherwise? Does he not find you attractive? Is he burdened with some problems like financial, office, etc? Does he not think worth sharing his problems with you? Are you non-approachable by any chance? Do you support him emotionally when he needs you? There has to be a reason why he is not interested in the relationship with you and trying it out; and to make this relationship work out you'll have to figure out the reason behind it and then work out on the solutions.

For e.g. if one of the reasons behind him not being loyal to the relationship is that he doesn't find you attractive anymore (no offense intended, just an example), find out the ways of how you can make him pull towards you. May be a new hair cut? A change in the dressing style? The way you project yourself to him? what is it? Work on it and it will improve.

I would encourage you to keep on talking to him and make him understand his importance in your and kids' life.

I wish you all the best.

Umang Taneja

Answer 4

well...if you don't have a job...get one. you need to have your own source of income. and you need to find a way to stop being desperate to this loser of a man that don't want you. where is your spine? yet all you do is just sit there begging him and nagging him while he is banging some other girl. you need to find a way to say no and mean it. change the locks on your place...if you have one. if you don't have one (get a job first) then get your own place. honey...he could have given you some unknown diesae (hiv) without telling you and you still want him? is it worth risking your health and your sanity and your self independence and your dignity for someone that don't want you? i'm not trying to be mean...but no man wants to be around a woman that is desperate. and not many women want to be around that either. because of focusing on the friendships that you have just made...you are putting your energy into a relationship that has long been dead. you need to regain your indepdence and have your own cell phone in your own name. if your husband doesn't give him any of his personal details then why should you? a relationship is a partership...not ownership. it is not wrong for you to meet new people...but you need to divorce this loser before you get involved in any other serious relationships. he is not right. he just wants to cover up his wrong doings and maybe even justify what he has been so wrongly doing to begin with.

Answer 5

I'm sorry but this sickens me to no end. I know you are in pain from him cheating on you but you need to take your kids and drop him like a bad habit. This is not a relationship you are in and I would not want my daughters thinking that it's alright for a man to treat a woman like that. You are scared to be alone and thats why you want him around. Move to a different town, away from him. You need the time away from him to move on. You aren't going to want another man in your life because you are depressed. Stop being sad and get mad. About the phone bill, Hello, does he pay the bills, doesn't sound like it. Tell Him to f*** off and get out! Have that phone and 911 ready to go, cause thats what it sounds like to me.

Answer 6

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. It'll be hard to get over him. You can't talk him into returning to the family because he's not interested in doing this. So now's the time you need to start thinking about your girls. My advice to you......hire an attorney that is experienced in divorce.....the hit him hard......child support, make him have health insurance on your girls. If you don't decide to do this....he's just gonna keep using you, keeping you hanging on by a string. Just remember, he's the one who cheated....it's not worth getting a disease from him. If you need, email me or IM......I'll be happy to just be a friend (I'm happily married). Best of luck to you........

Answer 7

Look, he's the one that made the decision for both of you to split up while he was cheating. He has no room to be angry at you for meeting a couple of guys.
As far as letting him use you? Apparently your heart and your head knows he's doing this to you, so train your mouth to just say no. And once you start to say NO, you will feel so empowered over him, regardless of all the crap he's put you through.

Answer 8

Your hurt could be from bruised ego.

If you just want friends, stick to women or even church/volunteer groups for now because you might be projecting mixed signals to men in other social settings. Get a divorce so you are officially available, then you would not feel bad dating others of opposite sex when you are ready.

Answer 9

First, get a lawyer and file for child support and spousal support if possible. Nothing makes a man an enemy faster than gettting between him and his money.

Unless he pays it, your phone bill is none of his business.

This guy is trying to manipulate you because al long as you want to reconcile, you delay in taking care of your needs, which will come out of his wallet. It is to his great advantage to delay you with false hopes as long as possible. He'll keep throwing you crumbs because you keep coming to get them.

If you have no income, go to social services, you can get food stamps, and if you get welfare to support is children, they have to file on your behalf to get support and get you off welfare. Once an order is obtained, they will get his pay garnished.

Many mothers get into the trap that they can't afford to work and pay child care--don't worry, as long as you're in that predicament, they may not press you to get work to get off welfare.

If you go on welfare, he will have to pay it all back to the state, they will garnish and they will intercept tax refunds, and they will sieze bank accounts.


Sooooo.

1. Get down to social services and get help. It may save you step number 2, but check it out anyway.

2. Go see a lawyer.

As far as getting over him, you'll be over him when you're ready, but your priority should be taking care of you and your girls, and don't let him derail that process.

Answer 10

If you want him back(don't no y u would) you are going to play his game.Best thing to do let him think you are interested in someone else.You need to make him jealous. Right now he knows he has you when ever he wants you.How did you get him to fall in love with you in the beginning wasn't there things you had to do in order to get him coming back for more.Love isn't something that stays with you ,you need to work to make it interesting for him.He fell in love with a young pretty girl and somewhere down the line you became a mother a caretaker. We have so much to do that we forget who we were.What this other woman is giving him is what you use to.In order to get him back you need to become the person he fell in love with .One thing a man can't stand is a woman that is weak and helpless and desperate. He really does want you to stand up to him,he won't tell you that and he won't like it but in the end he will start looking at you totally different.You need to tell him he isn't to come over without calling first and you want your key back because you can't have him walk in when ever he likes.This is what I did when my husband lelf me for someone else . I no what you are feeling and going through .I had to play these games to get my husband back.He did come back to me and he keeps telling me to this day how much he loves me and respects me.This is just one trick I played on him .I told him I was going out with some friends that he did not no .I did this over the phone,he tried his best to keep me on the phone but I told him I needed toget ready .Before I was out of the shower he was in my bedroom.He hated the fact that I was going out but their was nothing he could do about it.He gave that right up when he walked out the front door.I did go out but not with anyone I went to the store .You see just by him thinking I went out was enough for me.Around 2am the phone rang it was my husband I wouldn't answer it he kept calling until 3am I was loving it.I took off my top and threw it like I was in a hurry to get it off then my pants I left in the hall way leading to my bedroom then came my sexy under clothes I put them on the floor of my bedroom got in bed with nothing on. 8AM the next morning he came running in my bedroom didn't say a word to me he look in my bathroom then opened the closet doors I said what are you doing acting all stupid. What time did you come in last night I said I don't remember anyway it's none of your business.You see he didn't have control over me and he didn't like it .That was the turning point that's when he started to spend nights with me. Do you see what I'M getting at here. Don't let this man use you any longer.He still loves you ,you need to help him find it.