would it be wrong to propose to a girl from canada i love that ive known for over 18 months?

Question

weve established a relashionship, she seems to love me. i love her so much. she said she even wants to move to england. and she said on a blog on myspace that she would like to get married in her 20's. shes just turned 20. im 29. but im worrying whether i should make such a move in spite of the tough circumstances im in? and would it be wrong? i would love to tie the not with her..i live in my own small one bedroom dark flat, im lonely . i have no friends. im waiting for a second opinion from a psychiatrist, ive suffered with mental health problems since 15. ive had a lot of trauma in my life and have such very low self esteem. i have constant low moods and racing thoughts which flood my mind all the time. i have disorganised thoughts. i have inner rage which i struggle with. i feel so desperatly unhappy because im nearly 30 and i should be more established in life by now..i should own my 1st home, i should be working, have money in the bank. this girl doesnt no my struggles,but i

love her so much, and feel i would like to devote myself to her...even though i despair feeling i have NOTHING to offer this girl, in the way of possessions or any thing financial. i would love to just take off find my own home somewhere nice, and build my own life with this girl. but i feel trapped because of my circumstances. the fact that i couldnt cope with work right now. and wouldnt no how to break away and feel fully independant..im 29 and depend on my mum and dad still for support. im battling all these symptoms which just make it difficult to go out. i feel trapped in this small flat, like i can never leave..i get fed up listening to the gangs of youths outside shouting obcenities, riding their motorbikes recklessly. instead i dream of a life where i could be far away from this existance..somewhere in a nice comfortable home with this girl, with the love and security of a good job..i dont no how i can make this happen..seems like a long long road, and ive left it to late

Answer 1

i hate to be the one to break it to you but how can this girl really love you as it seems she barely knows you. if she does love you she is loving what you let her know about you - not the real you. that is not to say that she won't love you if you tell her the truth! lots of people have mental health problems - mental health is a spectrum from good to bad - we're all on that spectrum somewhere. I can't say whether you should ask this girl to marry you or not, but it does sound like you have some problems you should sort out first. I think your low self esteem is a major issue for your depression and disorganized thought processes. it's a difficult circle to release yourself from - you're depressed and have no self esteem which prevents you from having the motivation or confidence to achieve normal everyday goals, but you won't achieve confidence and self esteem until you do achieve everyday goals. there are no easy answers but try and listen when I tell you that many people of your age don't own their own house and still live with parents - you are actually showing how independent you are that you can survive on your own in your dark one bed flat! living alone is depressing for anyone so don't beat yourself up for having normal feelings. it is probably made worse because you don't work - so you're at home on your own quite a bit. I think you're relying on this girl to 'save' you from your situation but please don't rely on her - you're happiness must come from within. please don't get bogged down with the stigma of mental illness - many people with poor mental health lead happy and valuable lives and contribute to others' happiness too. Good Luck and if you want some advice on your problems visit www.mind.co.uk xx

Answer 2

In reality Canada would be a wrong move - only at the moment.
You are having NHS treatment here and to live in Canda the
costs for healthcare would be high. You need to get your
personal problems sorted out before you make any decisions on what to do. Never say never, you have much to look forward to.
By going away don,t you think you are running away from a
situation? Why don,t you ask this girl to visit England? Go
to adult classes, don,t worry about what you should be doing
now. Live each day as it comes and accept help that is being
offered to you. Could you possibly live with your parents for a
while? When you say you are waiting for a second opinion
from the psychiatrist does this mean you are waiting for a
name for your illness? If so, you will feel better knowing the
reason for feeling the way that you do. My lovely close friend
has bi-polar (manic depression) and she is such an inspiration
to us all. She herself went out to Canada last year (her parents
lived there) while there her mom died. So her father who has
Alzheimers disease has come back home with her. She is now
caring for him (24 hour day). A year ago she would not have
thought it possible. As she spends so much time looking after
her father she does not have much time to worry about herself.
(I don,t know if this is a good or bad thing).
You and your friend do have a close relationship so just tell
yourself that you WILL get better. Your life is in your hands.
Be practical. This girl needs to know of your problems because
she is a lot younger than you. Would she be able to cope? Don,t
be afraid of telling her. Many people have problems like yours
and do get pulled out of that dark tunnel. I wish you all the best
in the world. I,m sure one day you will make a lovely husband
and dad. You have plenty of time....

Answer 3

Well, when you say you 'know' her, what do you mean by that? Have you met her in person, dated her? Or you 'know' her from the internet, in that case you don't 'know' her! Anyway, for a start you need to love yourself before you can start loving someone else. There is nothing wrong with being single at 30, you are still very young and your whole life ahead of you! You should go out of your room, get a job and make friends. Unfortunately these things won't come to you, you have to go out and grab opportunities. In the meantime, i hope that the psychiatrist can help you build on your self confidence. I wish you all the best X

Answer 4

I agree with purplegurl. But if you think it's worth a shot, you could eventually find some excuse to go to Canada, then tell her "I'll be in your province in two weeks for [reason], should we maybe meet up for coffee or dinner or something?" If she looks excited to see you, then you know she at least likes you enough to want to meet you. That DOESN'T mean you're meant for each other, just means you're good friends. The reason I say you should go to her country is because it is a more disarming situation that gives her nothing to be afraid of. Also, if she wants to meet you, let her pick the meeting place. That way no one can accuse you of being a psycho stalker.

Answer 5

...I am slightly similar to you in that my Childhood upbringing left me with low self-esteem, and I didn't meet anyone special until I was 32 - but when she came along, she was beautiful in every way, a real Upper-Class English Rose.
I grabbed her quickly and didn't let go!
We were engaged after 6 weeks and married within 5 months!
She was on the rebound from her Parents, who were ultra-Religious.
I represented another side of Life to her, and showed her a good time.
She fell for me Hook, Line and Sinker!!
Then, after a year of bliss, she had an horrendous Miscarriage and, soon after, she ran off to join Jehovah Witnesses!
I didn't know where she was for 6 months, then she casually told me that our marriage wasn't meant to be!
It tore me apart - and I still haven't recovered 20 years later!!
So, what I'm saying is, be careful! Maybe try to find out a bit more about her - but, there again, if you need her Love, grab it while you can - it may change your whole Life?!?
The Choice is yours!
Even if your Happiness doesn't last, at least you'll have it to remember in later years!!

Answer 6

You need to stop, look, listen, freeze! This is the first thing they teach you in kindergarden. Now, I do understand that you are 29 yrs old.
But, you need to start some where, and sometime. Why not now?!

Ok, we got over the first step, because your still reading this. Now the next step is: You need to find happiness within you. Know that, no one person can make you happy only you can make you happy.

Your using this girl like a badage. Your hurt inside and she is the bandage to make the hurt all better, when in reality, you are just covering up the hurt.

You need to heel your hurt and pain, not cover it with a badage. You are right, you need to get out of your place that is keeping you unhappy.

Maybe by joining other groups of people and helping in your local church or like groups, you can meet other people then, through them perhaps you can find a new room mate to live with.

Or, join the armed forces. Then you can leave your place, have a roof over your head, be fed, learn new things, travel and get paid. And you can save the money to start your dream life. And if your 20 yr old friend who may be 24 when you are done with your term, is still available then you can be proud of yourself, and can provide her with a home and a man that you both can be proud of, "YOU!" And, if she's not, then you will meet someone who you are meant to spend your dream life with. You and only you have the power to take control of your life, and make it your dream come true!

Start by getting your life in order, your mental state of mind solid, and putting a plan together and putting it into action. Write this all down, and have a daily things to do list, to get your plan rolling, and you do these things. Don't ever stop dreaming. Dreaming is what takes us to where we want to be! It creates our future!

Life is always a do over. If you don't like the way it's going then re-write it! Choose the charactors who will be in your life script and decide who will not. When ever your life feels stuck, just remember that life is as simple as you want it to be, or as difficult as you want to make it. YOU ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE!

Good luck, may the angels bless you!

Answer 7

If your psychiatrist says, "Yes, this is something you should pursue" then you need to find a new psychiatrist...

Seriously, you can't be serious. You may have a lot of things to work on, and well all do, but trying to marry someone you hardly know will not make your life any better. If you're not happy now, life after a wedding day isn't going to be any happier.

Answer 8

I don't know whether she will accept you as you are .Think deeply before you come to such decision because it will cause more frustration if she changes her mind .Just tell her about every thing and find out if she will like to tie the knot with you irregardless of mental history .Good luck .May be she has been waiting for so long for someone like you.

Answer 9

Canada is a good place to live. Marry the girl change your life style and you will find you will get mentally stronger. You are lonely and brood too much. Go out and change things. Book that ticket now. Good luck

Answer 10

To be fair to her and to yourself you have to put aside the idea that marriage will solve your problems...it won't!

I know this is easy for me to say, but you have to sit down and work out how you are going to get your life back on track. Then when you have actually started the process, you must be completely honest with her about what is going on in your life...you cannot love someone if you are keeping the truth from her. Remember...loving includes the terrible risk of losing...that's what makes it so worthwhile.

You have reminded me of something a comedian said about himself when he was younger...he said, 'I was not so much depressed...as paralysed by hope!'

Makes a kind of sense to me! Good luck.