what do you think of my poems/writing skills (poem #2)?

Question

please be honest but not too brutal :) thx

advice is welcomed, minding the previous statement^^^^

-----no matter what-----

dedicated to my deceased only brother, joshua

i'll stay with you,
as long as the wind blows
i'll always be in your heart
you know i didn't leave you all alone
i am of eternal essence
my spirit is within you
live my life for me
do all that i cant do
be the one that i once was
conceal the chances known as flaws
and if contentment immerses herself
or sorrrow fills the air
you will hear my moral
and you'll know that i am there
there for you when you cant see
theres more to life than missing me
i wish you well, my sister, dear
for keep your chin up and wipe that tear

allan y - it is supposed to be a letter from my brother to me. thats why he says sister.

upallnight - thats the idea of the poem. its supposed to inflict that impression on you, that hes here in one sense and gone in another.

upallnight - like i said to allan -

its supposed to be like a letter from my brother to me saying its gonna be okay (im his sister so thats why it says sister at the end)

Answer 1

i am confused, is it your brother or your sister?


k, i got it now thanks for the clarification.
i suffer from slow mental pickup(SMP).

Answer 2

wow, the more I read your poems the better they get. You definitely have some talent. This is the best one yet as far as making the reader "feel"....there are tears running down my cheek as I type. Also, very intersting idea to write a poem from your brother to yourself. I suppose that's a good thing to do to help with the healing process. Great work and very sorry for your loss.

Answer 3

It became into relatively nicely written. yet, i might could say that some punctuation is mandatory. As a fellow author of poetry I to have a punctuation issue. I regularly use to a lot, yet i'm coaching myself the place it relatively is mandatory. on your poem i might insert some as follows: Are those flora on the path forward Sucking the water from mondays rain residing off of yesterdays sorrow? (<--- right here) They bloom pink. (<---- right here) Is that the solar (a comma might desire to bypass right here after solar or...) Hung hopefully above (...after above,yet no longer the two) changing clouds with gentle Drying puddles and tears? (<---right here) life is renewed. (<---right here) And nonetheless the wood have burned away the eco-friendly buds have fought to stay to tell the story changing previous life with new. I comprehend a writers form, and that i'm sorry in case you're taking this too harsh. yet, to even it out, your over all poem became into out of the issue-free. large notice determination, bypass, expression, and experience. Mail me a while and we are able to talk extra approximately poetry. (=^_^=)

Answer 4

Your poem is so moving..it made me cry..its really beautiful. I am so sorry for your loss. I´m sure that your brother would have been really touched by your words.

Keep writing, you´ve got a wonderful ability to express the deepest of feelings.

♥

Answer 5

I think it could use some tweaking. It's a little confusing. It seems your sister is staying in one part and leaving in the other part.

OK, I reread it, and I'm more confused. You say it's for your brother, but in the end it's for your sister.

Sorry for your loss.

Answer 6

u know, i am a writer myself, and i am really judgmental over some of the poems i read on here; however, i really enjoyed your poem. It sounds like you've written it from your hear, which makes the poem even better. astonishing job. Keep it up

Answer 7

That's pretty good! I write poetry/ songs, so I like to hear about/see other lyricists and authors. Keep it up! You'll improve even more! =)

Answer 8

excellent! very moving and the wording really flows well! keep up the good work!

Answer 9

That's beautiful. Sorry for you loss.

Answer 10

wow. your writing is amazing. Keep up the good work!

Answer 11

It is very good and true...to your heart and created with your love.