What would you do if your spouse did this?

Question

I am wondering about what to do. My husband and I have been married 4 &1/2 years. We have 2 children. My husband and myself have really been distant for a while now. In the past month or so, my husband has been having angry outbursts. He is breaking things around the house when he gets angry. (Ex: kicking in the front door)

He has not physically hit me or my children. But I feel a fuse has been lit and I can not extinguish it.

I have now resloved myself to leave if this behavior happens again. I will take my children and we will move into an apartment across town until he works this out-if he ever does.

I am not really looking to get divorced. Everything that I have read about kids and divorce is devstating. I want to get a "breather" I suppose.

What would you do?

Also, I might want to mention that he has had a massive ego lately with a complete cavemen mentality. "You have sex with me, clean the house, keep the kids happy and quiet and we will be all set."

Answer 1

He's being abusive and I don't care what you believe about a "breather" nothing will change. You had better get out!

Answer 2

I think your attitude is completly the right one - leave if he has an outburst again.
I would do the same as you, perhaps suggest anger management, or marriage councelling.
Also beware - the kids, divorce is devastating, but so is having a violent parent - the kids might be hearing these outbursts, and getting scared, and may in turn start acting out the anger , copying it from their father.

His anger could lie in work (this is just a theory of course), perhaps things arent going so great, for whatever reason, and its stressing him out. Maybe a female in the workplace has been promoted over him, or a female boss? That would explain, when he gets home, the "caveman mentality", a power kick basically - something along those lines - it does sound like some sort of power kick.

Personally, I would talk to him, tell him (when he was calm if it happens), that i was unhappy, with x y and z, if this resulted in an outburst, brushing off something that doesnt result in change, or an understanding of the consequeces - i would go across town - and plan for two situations
1. he gets help, how to deal in the mean time, and make sure the kids have someone to talk to - an understanding of what whats gone on is not ok.
2. he refuses - prepare for rocky times, and probably look into seperation- because of the kids. Divorce will be hard -but recanting to a therapist 10 years later, acting out aggression in the same way,etc etc, or even having you or them hurt, is so much worse.

take care x

Answer 3

Agree with the cat saying that something may have changed. He may be feeling very ambitious for some reason and lacking satisfaction. He may have read something or be surrounded by friends giving him bad ideas. He may be earning too much money or feeling unsatisfied for his finances going down. He may think you are not enough for him also besides other things...

But... if he's kicking things and such I guess it isn't only an ego that got inflated. Really maybe something worse is happening inside of him and he may be having a bad time and not wanting really to hurt his family but trying to get your attention.

Personally I would take the kids to a safe environment. Remember separation and divorce is better than emotionally menacing environments.

But... don't leave him. Talk, open your feelings to him. Stay open, remember it's the person you love and are commited to.

Seems like a tough situation but nothing is really terrible if you believe in God.

Good luck girl.

Answer 4

He may have developed a chemical imbalance which is leading him to act in a violent and angry manner. Could be even worse, he may have a tumor growing in his brain. I say this because i'm assuming this behavior has just started recently.

I'd make an appointment with your family physician and have him checked out and include a CT scan just to make sure. If no physical signs are the cause have him see a psychiatrist and be tested and counseled to determine the possibility of a chemical imbalance.

If he doesn't have a history of this type of behavior over a long period of time, i would tend to think it's a new chemical imbalance which can be corrected with medication.

Answer 5

First of all do not leave the house. It is him that has to go. Do not up root your kids. As far as everything else you said I think your husband wants out. Try talking to him and see how he reacts but make sure you have back up in case he gets violent. Does he drink or do drugs that could be causing this erratic behavior. Children are stronger than you think. Don't subject them to violence there is enough in the world already. Right now it sounds to me like you are his door mat for his frustrations. Be strong stand on your own and do what is right for the safety of you and your kids.

Answer 6

After 4 and a half years he's changed?

That's very strange.

1. Have his friends changed?
2. Job changed?
3. Financial situation changed?

Something has changed, you should try to find out what it is.

Divorce may disrupt the family however, the most damage will be done to your children if you stay with a man who is abusive. What you are experiencing is called "emotional abuse". He seems to be asserting himself in a violent way around you in order to manipulate your behavior in a way. It sounds like it is to make you more submissive to his demands.

Be very careful of this behavior because the children will pick up on it and it can be damaging to their psyche as well as to yours.

Get counseling now.

Answer 7

I'm sure he has another girl that is taking care of him..... that's why he has the balls to be all in your face...

Is he always leaving the house for say 3 or 4 hours? Does he run many errands to the supermarket or hardware store, when he never did?

Does he have a pager, or is doing alot of overtime cause of a new boss?

He is probably not happy with you or your apperance.... did you put on alot of weight?

Alot of guys go though this,,,, in the end, either his new girlfriend will get tired of him, and he will come back to earth, or you will leave him, before he gets that chance....

good luck.

Answer 8

To start with divorce itself isn't necessarily what damages kids.It is the behavior exhibited by the so called adults in their lives.These once sane loving adults turn into selfish children who's only goal is to see who can hurt who the most.I would be more worried about my children's sense of security they cant feel safe in the environment you are describing.You should get out why the getting is good. The grave yards are filled with woman whom said I will leave the next time.I know that this all sounds harsh to you but I have been the child in your kids situation and my sister has been in your situation and it took her husband snapping and almost killing one of my nephews to get her to stop saying next time.Not to mention she herself was almost killed by him.You hubby needs some help help you are not qualified to give him.I know you don't think your problem is that dire because he hasn't hit you or your kids yet.But you don't have to hit a child to hurt them the things you say to them or they hear someone say to someone they love hurts them sometimes worse than if they were actually psychically hit.You are their mommy which to a small child is the whole world.And what happens to you happens to them.

Answer 9

Okay this is abusive behavior no matter what he is kicking . If he has that much anger he needs some anger management classes and you need to take you and the kids and leave for a while untill he gets some help cause instead of the door next time it might be you or one of the kids . please see if he will get help if he wont then you need to leave . it is too dangerous to stay . good luck .

Answer 10

Either
A) drugs
B) another woman
C) bipolar
What ever you don't make him mad. Has he been on any prescription drugs even? It could be with draw. Tramadol is known for this type of behavior. I would check his pockets, receipts, phone calls, anything that could give you a clue. And now he wants sex at his convenience? You need to figure this out fast and go from there. What ever you find, if you are afraid of him, do not confront him. Good luck.

Answer 11

How about getting separated until he learns how to control his anger? Tell him your leaving if he keeps this behavior up it is no good for you and the kids to be around. Maybe he needs to go to anger managment classes? Yes divorce is devastating to kids but so is violence in the household. He is getting mad throwing things kicking things around you and the kids that is not a good environment for any of you. Sticking around and trying to save your marriage for the sake of the kids never works out.