My ex died yesterday...?

Question

My ex died yesterday from cancer. Eventhough we ended in bad terms a few years ago, he and I remained close, esp. the last couple of months. I feel very broken because he tried to call me yesterday morning and I missed that call. I tried calling him back but never got through. His brother called a few hours to tell me he passed away.

I wanted so badly to say goodbye but his family had him cremated today. To make matters worse, my current boyfriend isn't being to supportive about this. I needed him the most but instead he called the next day to tell me he was sorry (he sounded like he didn't care).

I did cared for him and forgave him for what he's done in the past, but it hurts so much that I wasn't able to say goodbye. I just don't know what to do. His brother also told me that my ex's lawyer will call me about something about the life insurance. I don't know what's going on. I'm just too broken right now.

The worst part about it, my guy friends (who all have girlfriends) are more there for me than my own boyfriend. Even when I was with my ex, he was there for me when things got rough.

I only saw my ex 2 weeks ago and he looked fine, didn't look like he was sick. I did wished he did a funeral so I can have my chance to say goodbye to him but if he wanted to be reduced to ashes, then I have to accept that. I feel bad for his wife (they got married at the hospital on Thursday) and his family (my ex lost his father 2 months earlier). They are all on my thoughts and prayers.

To the last person who posted (Todd), yes I did married him but mutrally divorced. We remained close as friends and felt that we were meant to be only as friends.

I wrote how I really felt on myspace but it's set on "friends" so only my friends can see but it is litterly pouring my heart out. The last part was dedicated to my ex. Here's what I said....

"And to you, wherever you are, you're home now, reunited with your father. Thank you for making me grow up and make me the woman I am today. Yes, there was a lot of ups and downs but each moment is a living lession. Be good wherever you are."

Answer 1

My condolances on your loss hon.

Missing the call was unavoidable. Don't beat yourself up. It's not like you conciously decided to miss it. And you tried to call him back.

Tell your boyfriend that you're hurting because you lost a friend. A dear friend from the sounds of it. He should understand that and be supportive of you in your grief. The fact that you had an emotional and physical relationship with this person is irrelevant. A man stands by his woman when she's in need of him regardless of the circumstances.

Death comes to us all. Deal with your grief openly and move on. I don't mean to sound cold or uncaring, but the greatest dis-respect we can pay our loved ones, is to stop living because they have passed on.

My prayers will be with you.

Answer 2

Sorry for your loss. It's never easy to lose someone.
Take this time to grieve, go to the funeral, cry, be there for his family, say a prayer for him. He reached out for you and that should show you what an amazing person you are, and now he is watching you so you can tell him goodbye, with a full heart and a calm mind.
It will take time, but you will get better, and as for your current boyfriend, he probably knows your past with this person and is not so sympathetic, but tell him you need his support right now, and if he cannot be there for you in a positive way, then just be alone at the moment.
You might be entitled to a portion of the life insurance, depending on the policy that was in place. Make sure you take a friend or a relative (not your current boyfriend, that's in bad taste) to meet with the lawyer and see what's going on.
be strong, good luck.

Answer 3

First of all my deepest sympathy for your loss and for the family of the loss. This is never an easy situation to deal with so you must approach it very easy. I would suggest to you to write out your feelings in a diary or just on a sheet of paper. Go to a special place that was a good place for your ex and you. A place that there were very good times and positive times. Read your poem as if you was speaking to him. When you are finish crying, laughing, crying some more and you let go of all the emotions good, bad and ugly. Then you have said your good bye. As for you boyfriend that you are with now, I would say that he may not understand the concept of why you still care about this man due to the hurt that this man gave you. Don't toss him out as of yet unless, this is a normal behavior he had though out the relationship. If so, this maybe the time that you may need to suggest a break. Get your head on right and unclutter your mind. Know too, that your ex is thinking about you because he had tried to reach you. You was a thought or a positive memory that he always will remember. God bless.

Answer 4

Write your ex a letter. Sit down with a pen and paper (or with a computer in word if you are more comfortable) and start writing whatever comes up. Don't edit it, don't judge it...just let it be a stream of consciousness letter...whatever pops into your head put on the page. It is an emotional vomit of a sorts.

Don't be surprised if you have many different feelings expressing themselves as you do this. You might remember the love you had/have in one sentance and the next you might find that you are still mad over some thing he did in the past that you are still hanging on to-don't feel guilty over that...write it down and then move on to the next emotion or thought that comes up. You could even write that you are sorry you missed his call. The important thing is that YOU get out what is within you...that is how you heal.

This, I have done many times and it really helped me thru the grieving process with my parents (when they died) as well as some friends who I no longer have a relationship with.

After I do it and have expressed everything in my head (and emotions..lol) I rip it up and burn it. After writing (and a good cry!) I always feel better!

Answer 5

Awww, you must feel so bad. Yesturday you had no idea he was going to die so you returned his call like normal. It has nothing to do with you that he died. Don't regret not being able to say goodbye because regret is so devastating, it can really ruin someone's life. I'm sure you guys talked about what would happen if he passed away and you told him how you feel. Just pray to God that he is taking care of him and tell him you miss him. Everything will be okay.

Answer 6

I am sure your ex knew that you still cared for him, calling before he passed makes me think so. He was probably trying to get your forgiveness which he did, just not on the phone....Try and take some solice in the love you still have in your heart for him that is what matters.

You can not go back and change anything in the past, you do the best you can everyday and that is all you can ask of yourself.

It is to bad that you boyfriend isn't being more supportive of your pain, its possible but not healthy that he may be jealous. If this is the case talking to him about it might help both of you get through your pain.
If he is unsupportive in general he may not be the one for you, you sound extremely caring and should have that returned.
good luck sorry for your loss

Answer 7

It's pretty tough when it's your first time having someone close to you passing away. I think if you want to, go see his parents. Nobody's stopping you, right? What should you say? Here's what I would say, but you should just say what comes to mind. Plain and simple- "I'm really sorry for your loss." The important thing is to be there for his family if they need the support! I hope it works out!

Answer 8

Hi Bibi, I know you're looking for support from your boyfriend. I don't know why guys have this problem but it's hard for them to show that they feel bad. I know he cares for you and he does care. Don't let it come between you. I'm sorry that your ex passed away. I can't imagine what you must be going through. It's not too late to say good bye. Go ahead and do it now.

Answer 9

Sorry to hear about your ex... Your bf needs to be a bit more supportive. I would try and go to the memorial if there is one and pay your respects, that would go a long way to heal your heart.

Answer 10

he is in a better place girl dont let this get the best of you. my mom said god always takes the good ones first as long as you no in your heart that yu left off in good terms dont worry about it. Its just that you still loved him and its your heart tat wanted to hear him one last time. your mind will get the bst of you if you let it all he wanted to tell you was that he still loved you. He is in heaven and you wil see him again. when god calls for you.Let him rest now in heaven