What would you do if your fiancee told you if dont want ex upset with him so he will pick up daughter instead?

Question

Asked fiancee to pick up daughter on saturday morning instead of friday so that we can spend time together and he said he does not want problem with the ex wife or his daughter and that I was being selfish but then he wanted to spend time together on monday morning like a quickie breakfast what would you do .

My biggiest problem with his daughter is that she is 13 and when she comes over she doesnt like to clean up after herself and he allowes her to just watch tv and play her game all day.She doesnt like to bath doesnt like to clean but always loves to eat and dirty.

Answer 1

You better get used to it. Once you are married, it may get even worse. Alot of ex's get very jealous once you are married and try to make things miserable for you. The daughter may do this also.

This is going to be a constant, ongoing problem in your relationship. It doesn't necessarily go away when the child turns 18 either.

Don't marry your fiancee thinking you'll be able to 'change' him and the way he acts towards his ex and his daughter. If you don't think you'll be able to cope with the turmoil and stress, don't marry him.

Please consider joining these Yahoo groups, the members can give you advice and support as alot of them are in your same shoes, you're not alone.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/stepmoms/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Step-Support/
Good Luck!

Answer 2

When kids and exes are involved you, as his new partner may often find yourself taking a second priority to his already standing obligations. If he has already set a pickup schedule regarding his daughter, his ex might have already made planes accordingly and if you ask him to switch around it might get complicated.
I think the best way to deal with this is make sure that when he sets a schedule for his daughter to be picked up, do stick to it, and do not change it at the last minute, work around it, and do not make him choose between you and his child, or get into confrontations with his ex.
Soon enough, he should make sure you meet his daughter so the three of you can do things together, and it would not be a problem of either/or.

Answer 3

Everything becomes more complicated when there are ex's and kids involved. His daughter always should come first and if the arrangement in advance was for him to get her Friday then that takes priority. If you had a child with him you would want her to come first before his new fiancee. If you are having trouble dealing with this then really evalaute if this is the guy you truely want to marry because there will be many dealings with his daughter and ex wife.

Answer 4

Unfortunately divorce and visitation are very complicated. Maintaining the visitation from the divorce decree (more likely stipulations) is extremely important.
I think you should give your fiance some room to honor his obligations and keep the divorce situation calm and cool. I messed up and sure enough she turned every little detail around and it came back and hit me hard.
Now, having said that, if he wants a Monday morning quickie, you need to assert your right if you don't feel like a quicky. But tell him in advance you don't always like mornng quickies or never like morning quickies. You need to compromise and make time for a nice slow romp.

Answer 5

U need to understand that the set up with his ex and daughter are in place and it disrupts everyone if it changes. Unless it's for a special occasion, I don't blame him for not wanting to rock the boat. You were being selfish, you know about the plan and his daughter, so you need to find time together when it does not conflict the schedule! Get used to it, or find someone without a child!!! Quit being selfish!

Answer 6

Legally he has to pick up his daughter at the time the divorce decree states, unless the ex agrees to the change, she has every right to refuse. And like the others said, his daughter obviously will come before you. The times he has visitation with his daughter are important, don't be a wedge, cuz you'll be the one driven away.

Answer 7

He probably knows that it will avoid problems. I think that is reasonable, making an -ex upset can just cause needless child support lawsuits and grief. Also, spending a bit of time alone with his daughter is a good idea, too. If he's the visiting parent, he only sees her a minimal amount of time. Some of it should be one on one.

Answer 8

How often does he get his daughter? IF it is every other weekend like most fathers, then you should plan your friday nights on the weekends he does not have her. Now if he gets he every friday and throughout the week for a visit, it is not unreasonable to ask him to for go one friday night. But, it should be for something special.... like VALENTINES DAY. Your not even married to him and want him to chose you over his kid.... bad mistake. Over his ex.... well hell yes. Why not rent a couple of movies.... one to watch with him and his daughter, then when she goes to bed.... you two can have some alone time.

Answer 9

You have to understand that your fiance's child is probably the most important thing in his life. It is hard to realize that since you are about to marry him but it is probably true, I would think there was something wrong with him if he didn't think so. In order for him to see his child he must keep his ex wife semi happy with him. A 'problem' with the ex could in-turn create a problem with his child.
If this was my situation, I would find another day or time to ask to spend time with him, especially if he lived with me and the child did not live with us.

Answer 10

Being a mom and grandma, I understand the importance of him being there for his daughter. I'm sorry, but daughter should come first and you need to be understanding and supportive.
What if the tables were turned and it was you and your child?

If you can't handle the situation, you probably need to move on. I say this with kindness ... not malice.