My husband keeps leaving us as he cant cope - he knows he has a problem but cant sort it out - what can I do?

Question

my husband is in the british army (I dont think this has anything to do with anything other than the fact the boys are mollycoddled).

We have a 3 year old girl, a 2 year old boy and a 4 month old baby girl. They are all healthy and beautiful and I know we are lucky.

My husband since the eldest girl was 5 days old has just got stressed and walked out for up to a week this has happened more times than I can count. He is uncontactable and switches off his phone and that is not being a responsible parent or father.

He drinks and sleeps in his army mates rooms and his office floor when he is away. He has left me when I have been 2 weeks off my due date for having my last baby and I am living abroad and could have gone in to labour at any time with no family to look after the kids or a partner in labour with me.

We do love each other and he is not having an affair he just cant cope. He does not think I will leave him - I am near to it. What can I do to change this?

Answer 1

Your situation breaks my heart - and I am sorry that you have to endure it. Especially with the little ones. The answer isn't easy either.

First, your husband is going to have to WANT to change. You can't convince him of this. He has to make a conscious decision to change the way things have been going.

Second, he is going to have to make an effort to make things right. It can't be just you, both of you have to be commited to make the marriage work.

Third, talk. Talk about everything - but be proactive. Center the conversation more on what can be done, then what has already been done. To keep things moving forward and to help give hope that things can change. To only talk about the past, about what has been happening means that you are going to be stuck just reliving the past over and over again, instead of being able to move forward.

Fourth, be prepared to get outside help. Get a support network of friends and family and even a therapist to help you out. To provide both emotional support and family support. Surround yourself with people who are willing to help you get this marriage worked out. Who are cheering for you and your husband and children. But who are also willing to be with you in case things don't come back together.

Fifth, be prepared to take the step of leaving. There comes a time when one has to think about themselves and the rest of their family. The emotional and physical stress that your husband is putting you through is not good for you, and is not good for your children. Your children need you, you are their mother and they love you dearly. To see you under so much stress because of what is going on between you and your husband is only going to hurt them more and more. Also, although this should be the last step, it might make him realize everything he is about to lose and want to stop that from happening.

Sixth, forgive yourself. Sometimes things just happen, no matter how hard we try to make sure these things don't happen. Don't hold yourself responsible for your husband's decisions.

I wish you the best.

Answer 2

I feel so sorry for you, he has literally left you holding the baby(or babies).You cant really change him , he just needs to grow up and face his responsibilities.If he cant handle fatherhood and you need support, i would give him a bit of a scare and go back home to your family for a break and see what happens! He may then realise what he is doing to you and the children by not being involved, then again he may realise he enjoys his freedom more than family life.You have to make that decision, as you are the responsible adult in the relationship.Good luck to you whatever you do!

Answer 3

"We do love each other and he is not having an affair he just cant cope. He does not think I will leave him - I am near to it. What can I do to change this?"
WHY ARE YOU MAKING EXCUSES FOR THIS MAN????
Sounds like he is confused as to whether or not he loves you, but keeps coming back because he feels guilty over the children. Why on earth would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you with their whole heart? You deserve more and your kids deserve a better example of what to expect out of love...get some counseling, with or without your husband...either way it will help you become stronger and more secure in yourself. Good luck.

Answer 4

The only thing you can do to change this, is to stop putting up with it. As far as him not being able to cope, enough is enough already. He's got three children depending on him, it's time for him to pull his knickers up and play big boy games now.
You've already proven you can live without him, or his support, so why do you keep allowing him to do this to you? I know it's hard, and scary when you really do love someone, but there comes a time when a "line has to be drawn in the sand"...and you have to say, "Cross this line, and you're walkin' the plank!"

Answer 5

I think you need to give him an ultimatum here,you are looking after three children full time which is a lot of work,he needs to grow up nad face his responsibilites.Mean while you need to get some help of your own.yOU CANNOT carry on being unsupported..and you need to be upfront with him about this.Is your mother about?..your feeling s are very natural so do not listen to any excuses he may have,you cannot just decide to up and leave when you feel stresses out,he has to start supporting you,or you have the right to leave with the children and get on with your own life..you deserve much better..you need love and support..not this!..he needs to get a grip otherwise he will loose everything,sometimes as i have experinced..you have to love someone enough to let them go.You could do with a weekend by yourself,see how he would run a house and 3 children.

take care of yourself...mother of two..Janine..in Devon.

Answer 6

Why cant he cope??Why should you be left to do it?parenting is the responsibility of the 2 parents.You know all this anyway.My bf used to do this all the time,he`d go out and leave me to deal with our special needs son for whole weekends.He left us for 6 weeks in July was back for 5 months and again left us a month ago,i wont be taking him back again.

Your husband is being very selfish,let him know you mean buisness unless he changes his ways,and if it comes to it then do leave.Hopefully that will teach him a lesson.

Answer 7

Every one has hit the right note in some way, but until he stops drinking for say, six weeks you will never sort things out!! I know Believe me!! Not being able to cope is a symptom of drinking! You MUST address this! LOL X

Answer 8

Does the military offer psychological evaluation and counseling? Your husband may be suffering from depression or he could just be immature. You need to insist on counseling or you should seriously consider moving back to where you have family and friends who can support you. This is not the kind of behavior a grown man should be displaying. He is not emotionally healthy and making excuses for him isn't helping him. He needs help. Check with your husband's company commander or his regiment's administrative offices for assistance with counseling. I suspect they have a psychological support system just like the U.S. has.

Answer 9

Sounds crazy but maybe better he leaves when he does.... if he stayed he could end up venting... which wouldn't be good for you, the kids or him......
Best getting time out with him (without the kids) and try and find out what's at the back of it. Then work together to get through it... it'll take time and effort and a lot of patience.... a lot...
But it'll be worth it!!

Answer 10

Poor thing can't cope. Sounds like he just likes to take off whenever he feels like it. I would read him the riot act. He needs to grow up and face his responsibilities like a man. Tell him to either grow up or you're gone.