My high school boyfriend and I dated for over 4 years and have been apart for 3, In that time I have had a baby, and his best friend and cousin has died. Our lives have changed so much, but I still can't stop thinking about him. When I had my son 9 months ago, alls I kept thinking is the last time I loved someone this much is when I was with him. I'm 20 and he just turned 21, we have VERY different priority's, but we are still in love with each other. He drinks nearly every night, and as his concerned friend and a mother, I don't want him to be around my son when he's like that. I also hate seeing him drown his problems with alcohol. We hung out for the first time in a long time, he and I ended up cuddling at the end of the night... I'm not sure if it was the alcohol, or if he really wanted to. I can't get him off my mind, but I don't want to push it, I am finally getting to be apart of his life again, I just can't figure out how to help him...
2007-02-06 06:26:20 · 3 answers · asked by allisonbowler 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
I am sorry my dear but I personally have zero tolerance for a person who overindulges in alcohol. No one who drinks too much can possibly have much of a plan for his life beyond drinking. I ignored such similarities with my first husband. Guess what, he ended up abusive and drunk. He did not want to help himself, did not admit his problem, and finally he lost me and his daughters. There was no way I wanted to start the cycle of abuse within my family and he was gone the first time he "lost it" while under the influence. This was still traumatic for my daughters.
This boy has problems and he will not be a man until he solves them. People with drinking problems need help but they can only get it once they accept they have a problem and want to fix themselves. It does not sound too promising.
It is a shame to see Western youth throwing their lives away with drugs or alcohol but it is becoming increasingly common. Long live the freedom to drink at an age too young to understand what it does to you! Many people handle great losses and do not become drinkers. To do this is a sign of great internal weakness and no woman wants a weak man do they?
The fact that you cuddled and he was drunk does NOT mean he wants you in his life as a girlfriend. He was drunk and you were a comforting presence, a warm body. Nothing more.
Your child does NOT need a drinking manchild in his life. And I guarantee you, the child will see this if you carry on with this boy. You already know this is improper and seek to protect your child. Do you think of yourself as being of lesser value or protection? Do you think you can really help this boy? Don't even go there.
It is your responsibility as a mother to protect your child! Put your child's interests first. That is your job, not helping an overgrown child try to fix his life. That is his job.
All you can do for this kid is be there as a friend. Do not, do NOT, NOT, NOT let him back into your bed! If you do, you will be lost into this situation and your child will come out the loser. It happens all the time unfortunately. We women are wired to want to "help" and it is truly not one of our better traits when it is applied in a matter that effects our lives negatively. Again, been there, bought the t-shirt, wore it out and finally tossed it.
The only suggestion I can think of is this. IF you want him, tell him that if he enters a programme and stays dry for at least a year, you MIGHT consider him. This does not sound like it is very possible from what you say. And, it is certainly difficult to keep an eye on him to know if he is honest. If, however, he loves you as you claim, he will make every effort to dry out and let you know of his sincerity by his actions, you MIGHT make it work. But this is doubtful. Drinkers, like all addicts, are notorious liars, especially to family and those they love. His only love is booze. They lie.
Is it that important to be part of his life? Livng with an overgrown child at the risk the rest of your own life? Not to mention that of your dear son? If you need a male in your life, look elsewhere. You are very right, you are both VERY different people now. Best to just let it slide and stop remembering the past. What you had then, you had then. Today is a different story and play by what is TODAY, not back then.
This is a lost boychild and your son needs a MAN to model himself after, just as you need a MAN who gives rather than takes. And believe me, boys like this, are very very selfish. How would you feel to wake up and find your walled emptied, your boy drunk, and no milk for your son? It can happen.
Dear, be strong and move on from this loser. If you are really lucky, he will run because you are a decent woman and he is afraid to give up his alcohol. Just end it. Only he can help himself. Only he can admit he even has something to help.
You have a child to devote yourself to. And I bet you could do very well seeking a decent mate. You are young. Do NOT throw your life away on such a boychild.
2007-02-06 07:06:58 · answer #1 · answered by Noor al Haqiqa 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
the best way to help him is by not bothering him with realtionship issues at this moment. Your main goal should be to draw him away from life's problems and take him to a place that reminds him that life goes on. Try a picnic, a funny movie, or a road trip. Just do something that shows him that you care. He is using alchohol to take him to this place...and that's wrong. When he drinks, don't be around him. Tell him you don't want to talk to a drunk...tell him that you will only hold a conversation with him when he is sober. But don't bring up anything about a relationship because that may draw him away. Right now, he needs a shoulder, and a rock! be that. be there for him but don't baby him. he has fallen and he needs to get up...guide him...don't go into the cave a get him. Your the light at the end of his tunnel and unless you shine bright as can be he won't find you!!
2007-02-06 06:58:03 · answer #2 · answered by askandilltell 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Stop trying to be his mother.. and i am being serious.
If you are both "in love with each other" then things would have worked out before you wrote this.
It sounds like no matter how much you were in love this is just left over infatuation. You are already showing that no matter what is going in his or your life that you think that he has what you want.
Just let him go make his own mistakes and move on yourself.
Good luck out there.. take care of your baby before anything else
2007-02-06 06:31:47 · answer #3 · answered by Prof. Timpo 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋